Disturbing dreams but otherwise fine (?)

[ALittleBitDisturbing]

Hello. I have NC'd for this as some of this could be quite obvious to those who are in my family/friends and I expect at least one will be on Mumsnet.

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post it to be honest, but don't know where else it should go. It might be a bit long but please stay with me.

I have had 3 serious relationships. My first was a 2 year relationship with someone whom was emotionally abusive and a bit weird/sadistic in hindsight.

The second relationship was with someone who previously had done something not so nice to me (sexual) but I was 16 and stupid/naïve etc and thought he was repentant even though he has done this kind of thing to others.

I was with him from being 16 years 4 months til 17 years 8 months old. I lost my virginity to this person. He wasn't a particularly nice person at all really but I didn't know what to expect from a relationship and what was normal and what was not. He didn't like me hanging out with other men which I understand because I was quite flirtatious; not to cheat or anything, just quite a playful personality and as what he had done to me in the past had spread around and he'd made up stuff about it, it made me look bad so I guess it ended up being a self fulfilling prophecy as people had made things up about me. Sorry this is a bit of a ramble.

So basically when I was with this person he:
-Didn't like me hanging out with males including those kind of related to family i.e. my sisters boyfriend.
-Didn't like me hanging with my female friends although not completely sure why expect he didn't like some of them/found them annoying.
-Was emotionally blackmailing - if you don't do this for me it means you don't love me; if you really cared, you wouldn't do this etc.
-Told me on many occasions he knew how to kill people and described in horrific detail how he'd kill someone and leave no evidence.

He attacked a bloke for giving me a hug before.

But the worst thing about him was intimacy wise. He'd sort of continue even if I didn't want to. Not by being violent but by holding down and just making shushing noises. This happened fairly regularly. I only gave up my virginity in the first place as he'd threatened to otherwise. I honestly didn't know how wrong this was or maybe I did but just didn't know how to let go. Several times he'd told me to be quiet etc and at the time it just seemed so normal, that I didn't think any extra of it.

I then found out he was doing something pretty damn disgusting and gradually pulled myself away from him as instantly separating from him or attempting to just made him be threatening.

So fast forward 7 years.

I have my amazing DP who knew my ex and once found out what he was like stopped talking to him. We are amazing together and we have a 1 year old DD who is completely and utterly amazing. I never think about my ex in waking life unless of course someone brings something up relating to him but otherwise I don't care.

But at least once a week I have dreams relating to him. At least 50% of them are sexually violent in nature and leave me feeling disgusted, sick and degraded when I wake up.

I have studied Psychology myself albeit not at university level but I still can't find within myself why these dreams still continue? It's really horrible waking up next to DD having had a dream like that and they are by no means rare.

Does anyone know how I could stop these dreams and/or why they are here in the first place?

I have tried to be as thorough as possible but as long as it's not too identifiable I'll answer any questions that need to be answered on here.

Thank you so much I feel really anxious writing that down now :o

You're having these dreams because you haven't let your brain process it properly.

I say this as a survivor of abuse (very similar to yours, in fact part if me wonders if they're the same person!)

I bottled it all up for years and had similar dreams and intrusive thoughts/memories. I've now had therapy to help deal with it (and the blame I placed on myself)

I realised the other day; not only have I not had a horrendous dream for ages, I've also not had any thoughts about it at all!

Therapy was the best thing I ever did!

Thank you precious.

I have had the dreams ever since I'd split with him unfortunately although the last year they have been a lot more. I really don't know why but they are truly horrible.

I have had dreams about people being murdered (strangers), being attacked by zombies and plummeting on a spaceship but none leave me feeling so violated, it's really horrible.

I can sit and listen to a book about war, or a detective novel and it's fine I'm not easily upset or squeamish so I just don't know why it's so upsetting for me.

I feel like a fool to be honest.

He's a complete creep so I wish he'd stop creeping into my dreams, no pun intended.

Oh Kitty I am so sorry you had to deal with this I hope it isn't the same person. I feel guilt all the time that he could do this to someone else. I reported him but nothing happened - they probably thought I deserved it too to be honest.

He had a girlfriend after me who he eventually ended up hitting so she left him. She was 15 then I think and he was 20? So yes, that's the kind of person he was.

I always thought I had processed it. In the sense that I no longer feel his actions are my fault, though I did for a lot of my teenage years. It's not my responsibility to protect everyone from him and I realise that now and that's a great liberation.

I am so glad you aren't having horrible dreams anymore and you are moving on. I hope it hasn't left relationships hard for you.

That does make sense precious.

I've read up about abuse and how it's often years later you realise how wrong and messed up it was when you feel safe because you are away from the source of the abuse. It reminds me of war actually - being in the trenches and getting shot at. You don't feel scared and shocked whilst you're fighting but months or years later when you are back at home it hits you what could've happened to you.

Dreams are a combination of "system download" and "system offload" - a mechanism of either processing information but also relieving anxiety (have you ever had a horrible dream, then woken up relieved that it wasn't real - its that sort of escape valve).

There is also another aspect to dreams which is just the randomness, the jumbled up and inexplicable (why the hell did I dream that? kind of feeling).

I'm a very vivid dreamer - many of my dreams I have are related to my Father who died a very awful death from cancer, it is the one recurring dream/nightmare I have had for many years. I went to a counsellor (a bit like you, wanting to try to get the dreams to stop) and I was advised that it is such a complex area, she didn't want to dig too deep as it could easily bring more disturbing thoughts even closer to the surface.

So I would just advise you to be careful not to try and "get rid of them" as it could make matters worse.

As you now have a lovely DP, maybe talk through things with him, get him to help and support you to put those fears to rest and also focus on the great life you have now. That is the best advice I can give.

I have managed my recurring dream by rationalising it that I continue to dream about my father because it shows how much I care about him. Maybe for you, you are just off-loading anxiety about your Ex...

I can see what you mean daisy there are some things I don't remember about my relationship with him and to be honest from my childhood which makes me worried I'll unbury something and it might explain why I'm so weird.

precious My partner is excellent although he doesn't know what to do, if that makes sense. He hates to see it bug me and is revolted by him but doesn't know what would make it better.

I guess I'm worried he'd go near my daughter, to be honest. Or thinks about it. Maybe that's it?

I know she's only 1 but she wont be 1 forever and I wouldn't put anything past him. I feel so stupid saying that, I really do.

Holistic Hypnotherapy is wonderful for getting rid of emotions that are so deep you don't realise they are there.

You don't tell the therapist any details of the abuse, they talk you through a meditation to relax you and then you can physically feel the emotions and stress leaving your body.
The meditation is recorded and you repeat it at home every night (or several times a week) for months and see the therapist every eight weeks or so.

You have to invest your time in to make it work.

I'm not very good at explaining it, but it was recommended to me a woman who had been abused by her mum and spent a lot of her childhood in foster and care homes.

Best wishes to you.

Yes it's