Who can I talk to?

[WhereCanIGo]

I am really unhappy in my relationship. DH has done some horrible things over the years but equally I have done a couple of things that make me just as bad. I'm terrified if I leave he'll use this against me to make things more difficult. It's so hard to pinpoint what the problem is because he comes across as well meaning and like his heart is in the right place but I just don't believe a word he says. I can't work out if this is because I know him well enough to see through him or if I am assuming stuff about him because I can't get over things that have happened in the past.

I need to talk to someone. I need to tell them everything and for them to be able to tell me how bad it really is. I need to know if I sound as bad as he is? Is it me all over? Is it because I should have left ages ago and I didn't but things he did made me distant and now it's only fair that he feels/behaves the way he does? I have read so much and he ticks so many of the boxes for being narcissistic but then I actually do wonder if maybe I read tOo much and over analyse things. Actually I also wonder if I am the narcissistic one? Or if I am twisted in some sick way and I don't think like normal people. I've got beautiful dc, a job I love and a nice life generally. I don't know why I can't just relax and enjoy life. I worry that I'll look back and feel like I wasted years thinking about how bad things were when actually they weren't that bad at all.

I looked at the women's aid website but their helpline says it's for domestic violence and he hasn't been violent for years. He's much better now than he ever has been. Which indecently makes it worse because after everything that it was like before I don't really know what I'm moaning about, in fact I think I'm worse now, he's much more calm and rational now and it's even more confusing. I thought about going to see my gp but I can't exactly just phone up and say I need a chat when the receptionist asks me what I want to see the doctor for! The counselling service available through the gp is just self help groups and sessions on confidence and things. There's no way I could afford to pay for a private counsellor. Does anyone know who I can talk to? Sometimes I get a hold of it and sometimes I can barely hold it together. I just need someone to tell me what they think from a rational outside point of view, someone that can be brutally honest with me about all of it. Thank you in advance.

Emotional abuse is still DV www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_topic.asp?section=0001000100220042=Emotional+abuse

Please call Women's Aid. Speak to them :)

he hasn't been violent for years - Oh well that's OK then?

The reason is because he doesn't have to be anymore.
You have probably changed your behaviours entirely to accomodate this and now he only has to keep you in line by being emotionally abusive.
Putting you down, making you feel worthless. I could of course be totally wrong but you are already stating it might be you. And that is classic abuse. The abuser can twist and turn things around and make it feel like it's you.
You are kept walking on eggshells wondering what sort of mood he might be in.

Please look up emotional abuse and check out the thread for support.
It'll be quite high up here on the relationships board.
They can certainly help you clarify things.

But how does your DH make you feel about yourself?
Do you feel loved? Respected? Listened to? Supported?
Does he do nice things for you? Bring you tea in bed, anything little like that?
Does he help around the house with washing, cooking, cleaning, hoovering, shopping etc....?

Or you can tell us a few things and I'm sure there are many on here who will be able to help you recognise signs.

What is going on right now that is causing you to be so unhappy?

Sorry, I meant to say in my op that I don't feel I can be too specific on here as he knows I go on here and it's such a long story that it would be easy to work out it was me.

He does lovely things for me, he can be really thoughtful and helpful. That's why I wonder if I'm just ungrateful. People put up with so much and I've really not got it that bad. It's such small subtle stuff nowadays I honestly can't work out if he's just taken a while to grow up and it's just because of stuff in the past that I can't just enjoy life. My biggest fear is that I am modelling a really shitty relationship model to my dc who think things are normal when I know they could be much better. I want better for them but how will they know if this is all they see?

If it doesn't feel right, chances are it isn't right.
Call Womens Aid and they should be able give you an idea of what this is.
If you can't share it here then share it with them and let them guide you.

If you believe your children should not be modelling their future relationships based on this, then there must be something wrong.

Don't doubt yourself - call WA.

Hi Op

Sorry your feeling so low, you mention that he has do e some horrible things in the past but ing is now that you feel unable to cope.

It sounds like back then you may have been on automatic pilot and just did what you had to do to get through the days. Now that for want of a word he has calmed down, you now have some mental space to process those feelings and thoughts you might have repressed.

So instead of it being in the past because you've dealt with it, it's now haunting you in the present. The human mind and body will in times of fear, pain or trauma do what ever it takes to protect itself, because it maybe now you don't have to do that so much, your mind is now remembering and your reacting to the memories and hurt.

This won't go away and you are entitled to feel how you do delayed or not. I wonder if there any well women groups or womens aid groups who offer counselling in your area for free.
There are a lot of charities about that offer this type of service, please google your area to see what's available.

Have you read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft? It might help you pin point what is going on.

Thanks, I've heard that book mentioned before I might see if I can get a copy.

guilty it's funny you say that, I've wondered before if you can suffer from a sort of mild post traumatic stress type of thing because of what has happened in a relationship. I just cannot deal with stuff. If I act like everything is fine and life is good, I feel calm and life ticks along nicely. If I try to confront what's happened or question things in my head I feel like I'm falling apart.

I just don't know how people are strong enough to take control of their life, I really really don't. Everyone would always say I'm strong but I'm not, I'm scared and weak, it's pathetic actually.

It is NOT pathetic at all.
You've been conditioned by him.
It takes people great strength to take control. But many women (and men) do just that.
You've taken the first steps. That's the hard bit.
Have contacted any support services yet to discuss your situation?

No not yet. I really feel like a fraud contacting women's aid but I am thinking about it. I like things better when I'm not trying to deal with it if it makes sense? Life seems more normal? I hate it when things feel unsettled in my head, it makes it feel uneasy at home and I've always hated that feeling.

Mostly I'm just so sad that I've made so many shitty decisions in my life and this is where I've ended up. I only get one life and I feel like I'm going to look back and think things could have been so different. But then I feel guilty because I'm so lucky to have my lovely healthy dc and I wouldn't have them if it wasn't for him.

Nearly every woman who comes on here and WA are suggested think they are frauds for calling them.
But every one of them has it confirmed that they are in a very abusive relationship. You just don't realise when you are living it day in day out.
Please call them. You are not a fraud.
You cannot change what happened in the past.
It has happened and you have healthy DC from those decisions.
I'd love to have made different decisions. We ALL would. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but we can't do anything about it.
You can however, change your future to be a happy one.
Call WA, get their understanding of it then you can start to get your head around everything and make the decisions needs for yourself and DC to have a better future!
Good luck.

Hi op

The thing is once the unconscious gets wind that there is a crack or chink in the everyday armour, ie home life is a bit calmer and maybe you have mental space to take these thoughts on, they will not be ignored.

I often say if you try and hold back the water for too long cracks will appear in the damn, if you don't try and let it out a bit at a time in controlled circumstances eg counselling, there then is the potential for you to snap and react in a way which is out of control.
The damn will crumble and the flood waters will gush through, these thoughts and feelings have been denied for too long, your trying to ignore them and put them back in the mental box ain't gonna work I'm afraid.