My mum is dying - how should I use the time?

[areyoumymother]

My mum has metastatic cancer. Going by the statistics given on the Cancer Research website, she only has a few months to live.

I'm overwhelmed. What should we be doing with this time? Has anyone been through similar?

We're not the kind of family to take video footage/talk about how much we love each other. We're trying to keep it low-key.

Any advice would be gratefully appreciated.

Going through it now.

I think sometimes you just have to do the everyday-it's too intense otherwise. I try to be very present in the moment, enjoying it rather than thinking that soon I won't have this any more. Which is difficult, I must say.

But my feeling is that I don't want my relative to die a stranger to me. So I've done a lot more asking about the past, childhood, asking for stories to be told and family stuff explained, about culture and belief etc.

Ask the stuff no one else can tell you, or the things you want to pass on to your children. Take photographs. Tell her the nice things you want her to know. Not just 'I love you', but also 'Thank you for...' and 'I really respected you for doing that...' and 'You've always been good at...'

It's hard to be the invalid and feel a burden. My relative loves to be asked to entertain us with a story or pass on a skill, so as to feel useful and involved.

I really feel for you. Best wishes, and good luck.

I've just been through this, areyou, and my heart goes out to you all.

My relationship with my mother was very difficult, but what I did might also apply to you: ask her what she wants and needs; be prepared to be flexible, let plans drop, change plans; accept the many different emotions all of you will be going through; listen to her without speaking when you feel she might be wanting to say something she feels is important to you, and when you do speak, speak from your heart.

There is nothing quite like this experience to give everything a sharp focus, a sense of urgency, a lot of reminiscing, and the driving desire to connect in a way that is both honest and compassionate.

So sorry for you. My mum died of liver cancer a few years ago - the time we had was short.

Couldn't agree more with what Denzel said. There are certain things that only your mum can tell you - about her childhood, her parents, grandparents. Where she got all the bits and pieces in her jewel box from. Favourite recipes. And absolutely tell you how much you love her and all that she's done for you - even in the form of a letter if that's easier.

We've been through similar recently.

Ditto the others about talking about family histoy and expressing positives about specifics.

My one word of advice, don't try to protect each other by not voicing feelings.

Just be there for her
Spend the time with your mum the best possible way.
It's not easy having the knowledge about her condition but try to make the best of your time together

to all of you who are going through or have been through this. How heartbreaking

No advice OP but i just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and your mum x

I went through this with my dad. We spent time together just chatting , laughing, doing things he enjoyed doing like going out for meals and seeing his grandchildren. I wanted to give him the best time ever! I took him special food and met him for coffee - nothing was unsaid and I think he died knowing how much I loved and cherished him. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Just been through it with my mil. She's the same - no memory boxes or that kind of rubbish. Just spend time with her, look at photos, ask if there is anything she'd like to do.

I am so sorry that this is happening.

Not had to do this yet.

On the practical side, has she got a will sorted?
Let her discuss her funeral wishes, it will be easier when the time comes if you know them.

my mum died more slowly, over sixteen months, and not of cancer.
but we had that thing of knowing it would come. near the end, she wanted it, and refused to eat in order to bring it on.

i just went to see her, talked to her about what was going on in my life and for others, listened to what she had to say. they were some of the best conversations we've had for forty years (she liked a laugh, she liked men, and gossip :)). sometimes she'd be nasty and I'd go home early. we've always had a volatile relationship.

If she will/can go through family history and stories, do it because after she's gone you'll wish you'd asked more and been more specific. If you have photos ask her to say who is in them and what was going on. That's brought a lot to mind for my dad. One of the families favourite pics of my mum prompted him to say 'She was round the bend then! Terrible!' (She had a lifetime of mental illness). As a child, I saw that time as her most glamorous, when she was most fun...

We did talk about the funeral but when it came to it, the funeral was different from the one we discussed. But I liked it (I arranged most of it) and the vicar said that it was clearly done with love. So maybe the things you talk about aren't set in stone.

More than anything, talk and listen. Just chat. I can't tell you how many times in the last three months (since she died) that I've thought 'i wish I could phone my mum' or 'I'll just tell my mum...' Especially when little granddaughter got her starting date for school - she'll be two years nine months when she starts in kindergarten.

I didn't want to read and run. I am really sorry to hear your news. I am not in contact with my mum, so I am telling you what I would like... Hearing stories from when she was little, when she first knew my dad and was married. Watching her play and cook with my dcs. Talk about books we've read and programmes we've watched. Get a pedicure and spend a day in the sun at a spa.

I'm so sorry. I only had a couple of weeks with my mum dying, but we did a lot of our usual stuff, which I think helped her. She beat me at scrabble 2 days before she died! We cried together too, and hugged a lot. I know it sounds daft, but I wish I'd asked her how to cook some of her signature dishes. I took lots of pictures of her with dd who was only 3 months at the time too.
Do look after yourself, it is a very, very hard thing to go through

Thank you for these responses. She isn't even old. It's a big shock. I'll bear all this in mind.

She beat me at scrabble 2 days before she died!
Off topic, but my late my mum and I played scrabble a lot. She was a rampant and shameless cheat so I took to writing down every score, and copying each move in a squared notebook (we all have aspergers, I can't help myself). I still have the last of the books. She beat me fair and square on many occasions, but she'd have appeared to beat me every time if I hadn't kept a close eye on her!

We talked a lot about him(Dad) as a young man, I had never really asked him about himself,I didnt want him to die and me not know.
We watched old movies,cried and talked when he was able.
I am so glad I said what I said to him and asked what I did.
A friend her Dad died unexpectantly before my Dad found that side very hard.