Refuge advice

[Losgehts]

I've taken someone to a refuge today (don't know her that well but I was in a position to support her). She's been really brave and just turned her phone off so hasn't had to deal with her patrner.

She was crying as I left her and is massively overwhelmed. The support staff and other women seemed great and a couple kept saying how quickly they felt better. She seemed like a broken women although clearly she's not because she managed to summon up the strength to make this huge step.

I'm going to see her in a few days but am just wondering how she might be doing then. Is she likely to get a lot worse before she gets better or do women generally gather strength really quickly? I know everyone's different of course.

She seems very determined not to go back to her partner but also very worried about his happiness. I think the biggest thing is for her not to contact him and she's done so well so far.

Also, what can I do to help her practically? I managed to get clothes and shoes for the children before we left. Towels too. The refuge have been amazing at making sure they had their own new toys to open which made them so happy.

We're going to try to buy a TV for her room and buy a local bus pass. Also a food shop and some washing powder. She's got toiletries already.

Any other advice you can think of please as we're planning to stick around for her for the foreseeable future and would like to do whatever we can.

Is she being supported through anyone else? Via Women's Aid, for example?

I'd think that helping her see a good future ahead of her would be fundamental to prevent her from going back. ATM I think that's the greatest danger, even without contact.

You could offer to read and screen messages and emails from her partner, so that she doesn't have to deal with them directly. It can be very stressing.

Freecycle can be a good way of getting stuff for free, btw.
You may be able to get things like TVs. Particularly if you make a request for specific items. That would leave money to spend on perishables.

Everyone's different regarding how quickly they recover and what support they need. Was she subjected to violence? Is she frightened she'll be tracked down or anything like that?

Staying away from her partner is important. Good or bad he'll have formed a big part of her life so just by being there, being a friend & giving her someone to talk to that'll help. Keep telling her she's done the right thing because, once the euphoria wears off, that's when the doubts creep in.

You sound like a great friend. :)

No violence but her self-esteem is on the floor. She has a social worker who will be visiting her.

That's good to know about the doubt. I'll keep telling her.

Any more advice please? We're doing an emergency support run now.

A good gift would be Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft, particularly when she starts thinking it might be ok to return or only remember the good times.
She can make a list of all the reasons why he left and refer to it if he ever feels the need to ring him.

Then, she should enrol on the Freedom Programme by Women's Aid. Their website also has a message board for abused women. It may well be useful for her.

Get her out and about, giving her a good taste of freedom. Particularly things she may never have done otherwise.

Most of all, empower her. Support her in getting things rather than just giving them.

You are a good friend. Stay helping her for a long time. I've left twice and am still with husband now. I didn't get support to stay away. Leaving is actually the easy bit. It's the building of a sustainable life for you and your children which is hard.

I think she's amazed how much support she's getting and really seems to be planning schools and nurseries and is planning to take herself off to look at them.

I think she's doing so well and is keen to get the divorce started. She's kept her phone off but I'm concerned she'll read an email from him and it'll plant the seed. He'll start off threatening no doubt but will then move on to making false promises. I think that might be a weak point.

I'll order her that book and just keep seeing her and listening. Thanks.