Leaving

[farendofafart]

One of my previous threads should help explain my situation.

I keep having to name change because he keeps finding my threads.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know I told him last night I'm leaving and I put in an application for a rental property today.

Feeling pretty shaky today. He seems fine.

Can't seem to stop crying tonight.

I haven't had any experience in this matter (Just read your other post) but didn't want to just read & run after you'd made such a big move today which couldn't of been easy for you. Hopefully this bumps the thread so you get some advice from people who have been in a similar situation.

Otherwise, I'm here to handhold

Thank you chocoholic.

I'm weepy this evening too. He's gone away on business for a few days and I miss him. He would always ring me when he arrived places and he hasn't - of course he hasn't. He has no obligation. It's not that I miss him being here so much - I just miss his friendly hello.

I find the house unbearably sad. We bought it together over a decade ago. I know I'm going to be moving out and now it just feels like a place full of sadness and full of the past. Like I already don't belong here any more.

I'm trying to stay normal and chirpy for the DC (who have no idea I'm about to uproot them from the only home they've ever known ) but I'm struggling at times.

Yet he seems ok. I'm the one that's ended it and I'm the one who is grieving.

Today I ended up by sheer coincidence in the same building where H and I met, over 20 years ago. That felt sad too.

I'm just a great blob of

I empathise OP...I put xp out of the house at Easter as I couldn't stand the state of our relationship anymore...yet it's me who is grieving what I let go. He on the other hand has bounced right into a new life without so much as a backward glance ... makes me sad but also it's a realisation that I did the right thing.

H has been away working for a few days. On the phone last night (he rang to say goodnight to DC) he told me he misses me and loves me and he will try to be a better husband.

He arrived back this morning, me and the DC were out but we got home mid afternoon - he is going out in a couple of hours because he has work tonight.

He chose to spend that little time mostly facebooking and smoking outside. He said he was getting something to eat and didn't have much time (true) but it upsets me that the little time he had wasn't spent with the DC or even being a 'better husband' by asking me how I am perhaps - he just frittered away the time on facebook.

Feeling now. Had a little heart flip when I first saw his car was here because I thought I'd missed him too, but I'm just disapponted, again.

I think perhaps you're missing and pining for what it could/ should have been. He's been back a brief time and already falling short of what you need.

Perhaps your decision was the correct one??

Yes I think my decision probably is the correct one. I have to wait another week before I find out whether I have been successful getting the rental house, and even then it will be 3 weeks before I can move. I just need to find a way to survive it without crumbling.

For my own record of tonight's 'chat':

He doesn't 'get it' - he can't understand why I'm leaving him.

I should stay and work on it.

I should go out and do more stuff.

Him drinking behind my back and not telling me isn't secret drinking and I'm being ridiculous to call it that.

The verbal abuse he has given me whilst drunk isn't really abuse. Apparently I should apply the "sticks and stones ..." philosophy. (Yes, he really did say "sticks and stones" and he's said it before on the same topic.)

He isn't irresponsible in giving up his job and doing nothing to find another one, he's just lost his motivation (through being in a job he hates) and has got other things on his mind.

I lie about him and slander him all over the internet (he finds every single thread I ever start on mumsnet) and that's worse than the abuse he gives me when he's drunk because at least he tells me to my face. And everyone who posts on my threads are "scorned wimmin" (he helpfully spelled that one out for me) who just want to break up everyone else's home. And I am allowing myself to be influenced in my decisions by these people.

I'm sure there was more but I'm too tired to remember.

Oh yes, apparently I'm addicted to mumsnet and in denial. It's just the same as alcoholism.

It's ok that no one cares about my thread. I'm just using it to vent.

Tonight he is barely talking to me. Actively avoiding me. He is hurting. All of which is perfectly understandable. He is still angry with me too and accepts no responsibility fir what's happening. He refuses to acknowledge that I warned him countless times over the years that his drinking would finish us eventually. And it has - amongst other things.

But what's killing me tonight is the idea keeps popping into my head that just one word from me would make all of this go away again. End the pain (and the hostility) instantly, like an aspirin. But of course I know that whilst we'd both be a lot happier in the short term, we'd soon be back where we are now. I know because we did exactly that just a few months ago. He promised he was done with drinking. That it wasn't worth it. But it took less than 2 months before I caught him drinking (in secret) again. And other cracks making themselves glaringly obvious.

But still, I would just love to be able to say those words and end all the hurt right now. Fall into his arms. It would be so beautiful. For a while.

Hey there, I'm listening and sending you lots of courage. You sound like a strong woman who has made a really hard decision - well done and keep your focus

Well I've been there with promises about drinking.
And they do mean it. Just can't quite do it.
It's not your fault tho.
So be kind to yourself. Alcoholic marriages suck.

Thanks both. Those are kind words

Good luck with your new home

Tonight he has been friendlier. And perhaps more accepting of the situation.

I just want it to be as amicable between us as possible and as easy on the DC as it can be. That's the part that worries me the most now - how to tell the DC and how to help them cope with moving to a new house with mummy and having access visits with daddy in their former family home.

Had a long post but lost it.

Summary: struggling and scared. This is hard.

It's a cliché, but it will get better: it will be worth it.

Imagine not walking on eggshells and coming home to a pleasant atmosphere, knowing that there's no arguments coming your way and not worrying about someone who doesn't deserve it.

That's your future - one step at a time

You know you are doing the right thing.
Of course it's hard.
You've known nothing else for decades.
He's proving time and again that he can't and won't step up.
He expects you to put up and shut up.
Keep strong and keep focused on your future away from what you have described.
Keep re-reading your posts.