adjusting to partner moving in, financially and domestically

[crazylady321]

My boyfriend has moved in with me on a trial basis as im 3 months pregnant we wanted to try things out before baby comes. We have been together a year but known him longer.

We are currently in the "honeymoon" stage still all going well and think we are both enjoying been together full time although only been 2 weeks.

My problems are financially, I work 16 hours and was claiming wtc and ct as a single parent. We have notified them and now waiting to hear whats what ive done a couple of online calculators which have told me wont be entitled to wtc anymore but based on both wages can get ct still. I was also getting council tax and help with rent which is the 1 were struggling with atm, he is paying it all for me atm but I feel like im putting a burden on him. I get maintenence and my wage weekly which im using for shopping and the kids but I dont want to be totally reliant on him im used to been independant. Due to struggling with morning sickness and also im in a lot of pain in my legs and exhaustion already im struggling at work and he has suggested i cut my hours which does sound great and its possible but I want that independance. I dont want to make him pennyless he has his maintenace and his car etc to fund, hes already broke into his savings bless him. I know hes offered but I dont want him to think few months down the line all his moneys gone. Course he has reassured me but I cant help worrying.

Also I kind of get the impression he still sees himself as a guest, eg asking before he does something. And due to early morning starts he goes to bed early hes been asking if I want anything doing before he goes to bed. Things are quite obvious things need doing ie vacuming floor was a state and kids were playing up last night I just wasnt getting chance so I told him to do that but now hes here full time it be nice if he noticed and just did it, I know hes a man and sometimes they need a nudge. Also in regards to my kids hes great with them at playing etc and they all get on well but hes very reluctant to tell them off or anything, not that I want to be doing but like last night my 2 boys just wasnt going to bed it was 11pm and still both in and out of bed and arguing I was exhausted and He ended up getting up and asking me if I wanted him to have a word with them, I agreed and he told them mummy was poorly and needed to go to bed he was really nice with them tbh, ive told him I dont mind that sort of interaction but hes worried about standing on their dads toes. Its been a long time since used to having a man living with me I know its just a learning curve but any tips on how to get me to make him more at home?

It's probably because you've set this up as a 'trial basis' that he doesn't feel at home. Presumably he's still running some other home and paying bills there just in case it doesn't work out?

No he lived with his parents for a couple of years as he was struggling to fund his own home so went in their spare room, hence my worries hes not used to all his wage just going.

If he's not keeping two places going then don't stand on ceremony. He pays a full and fair share of the costs and you call it a permanent arrangement rather than trial. He is not going feel part of the family until he's properly part of the family.

I can understand why your apprehensive about the finances. It's a shame the government penalises couples in this way. But I suppose there is nothing you can do about it except talk about what yous both earn, see whats left over after all bills have been paid then decide who gets what from that. Probably better to have this conversation now to get it out of the way and at least yous will both know where you stand.

You also need to have a talk about parenting your children. Obviously he isn't their dad but he is a parent to them.

Also re housework, could it be that his mum was doing everything for him in that respect? Maybe you need to have a gentle word with him. Some men just don't realise these things unless they're asked. My dh sometimes doesn't see mess where I can iyswim.

You just need a little chat to iron out all the creases. Good luck with it all and your new baby

Couples aren't penalised! It costs considerably less to have two adults under one roof than two adults under two roofs.

I think it's entirely appropriate that he leaves the disciplining of the children to her. He's not been in their lives that long and it makes him sound pretty respectful.

If he's happy to cover the costs then you should be happy for him to do so. He sounds like a completely decent sort to suggest you cut your hours down if you're not feeling at your best right now. But the financial side of things really should have talked about and agreed before he moved in. Putting your feet up a bit while you're pregnant isn't giving up your independence. You'll need to rely on him when you have a new-born in any case, at least for a while.

If you're only working 16 hours a week and he's full time then I think it's only fair that you do the lion's share of the housework. If he need to be directed to a particular chore then I'd settle for that. But if you're not happy doing the directing you could consider making one (or more) particular duty totally his responsibility and then leave him to it.

I agree with Bitter on the matter of disciplining the children. With the housework issue at least he asked you if there was anything he could do before he went to bed. He could have just gone to bed. You have only been living with him for two weeks and you are both still finding your feet with one another. Perhaps things will improve once you both get in to a routine.

Thanks ladies good advice..

Re finances. Soon as found out I was pregnant (which wasnt planned) We spoke about what we wanted we were both positive we wanted things different for this baby than our others we have both seperated from the other parent. Our relationship has been going from strength to strength as it is so moving in I think was the next step maybe not as quick as this though.
We discussed the financial side and he said he wants to support me 100% and if that means financially so be it, I was worried that its a lot to take on total running of house and 4 children still are worried its all still new. We worked out I do really need to keep working but could cut down to 10 hours just think i would loose childcare element of tax credits although still waiting to find out so may be hard, he has said if I can get some night shifts hes happy to watch kids but Im not 100% sure of that just yet. When baby comes I will be deffinately moving to nights so he can have baby so I guess he may aswell watch others aswell.

Re housework, I think your right his mum probilly used to take charge and I guess as he works long hours hes just used to chilling out and doing his thing. I will have a word with him though, I mean hes not making a mug out of me or anything hes quite good at cleaning up after himself (so far anyway). He likes cooking and has cooked a few times un-promted if hes been home early enough. Im bit of a control freak so wouldnt want him doing all the housework and he has got a physically demanding job anyway he looks half dead when he gets in as it is. I just want him to not ask and make himself at home, instead of practically asking my permission before he goes to bed, I know it wont last btw.

Re children, this is my other concern I guess, he doesnt want to try and be their dad but I guess last night he saw I wasnt feeling great and the boys were probilly taking advantage of that I actually quite liked how he was with them was so calm where as id been screaming the place down for an hour before. He is good with them all the boys bit more so I think as he likes playing football with them and getting the RCs out things like that, where as my daughters hes not bonded with as much I dont think although my 3 year old seems to dote on him. So something else will chat about, just dont want to come across as been a fuss pot