When is it time to let a friend go?

[rissoimni]

Hello, I'm looking for some advice based on personal experiences.

I have a close friend who moved away from my city several years ago, we have used social media and email to keep in touch in between visits to each other. A few years ago she had a baby (we both have teenagers) and since then it's been a struggle for her to find time for me.

At one point she went 6 months with no contact, which wasn't good enough for me and I expressed my upset over this. We got back on track until another episode of several months. Same again, I told her I'm upset that we have no idea what's going on in each others lives. Now it has been another 4 weeks since my last contact to her, awaiting a reply.

She is active on facebook (we had a very brief chat a few weeks ago on there and it seems she thinks that will tide us over for a while). The thing is, and I've told her, this is not good enough for me. I've raised two kids, alone, whilst working full time, and if I wanted to stay in touch with friends I always found time somehow, even just a quick call. I fail to understand how she really cannot make 5 minutes in a month to update me on her life or ask how I am? Especially after the 6 months gap, I told her that I had been mugged at knife point, and 2 aunties had died from cancer and she (we call each other best friends but are we really?), was uncontactable - therefore unable to offer any support when I needed her.

In one respect, I realise that I shouldn't expect others to put in the same effort as I would, we are not the same people. But no matter how hard I try, it really bothers me. Why doesn't she want to know what's happening in my life?

Am I being unreasonable and expecting too much, or is this just not working from an outside perspective?

(Please no digs about using social media/email for contact, I hate using the phone, and it makes it more difficult when there's a screaming toddler and she thinks I can hear her speak).

I just think you are wanting more than she can give right now. She obviously has her hands full with the baby and although some peeps can manage brilliant communications with a baby some can't.

Can't you lean on some other friends at the moment?

well i think you are more invested in the friendship than she is and perhaps now is the time to step back and let her take the lead.

just because you managed with 2 kids on your own, doesn't mean she's coping. some people withdraw when they are in a bad way, rather than reach out.

i get that you're hurt the relationship isn't what you'd like it to be but you can't force it.

Things may have run their course. You've made it clear that you'd like more contact and for that contact to be meaningful and her response is to withdraw. If she gave a fuck she'd find five minutes out of her busy schedule for you but she hasn't. Take the hint.

Eddielizzard - That's an interesting point. After the 6 months, she spent a long time telling me of the bad time she's been through and that she did withdraw and didn't know how to get out of it. I am fine with that, although I'd like to help her through it I can understand, but she apologises and promises things will be better and they always are for a while.

Quitelikely - Usually with friendships, I'm quite needy. I want to know everything about my friend's life and I want them to be the same. I do have other friends that I can get that from. But I want her! She is my oldest friend and our memories are the best.

When we do talk and meet up it's amazing. A few months ago she randomly sent me a box of very personal and meaningful little gifts. I've never done that for her, I don't even send birthday cards when she never fails to forget.

Perhaps I'm so hung up on not understanding this aspect of our friendship, I'm forgetting the good things she's done?

I know this post is a complete u-turn on my first, but my mind figures itself out as I go.

" I want to know everything about my friend's life and I want them to be the same."

This is your problem right there. You are not a priority anymore. Her child is. Get over yourself and grow up..Just because she isn't in contact with you as much doesn't mean that she doesn't want to friends.

Yes, I sort of agree with Smiles - friendships can still be fulfilling when you don't have any contact for periods of time in life. But obviously you're not fulfilled by it, so you'll have to decide how you want to go with it.

But if you've already 'expressed your upset' a couple of times over the same issue, I would assume that she's not as invested as you.

I know it's hard but you aren't being fair at all. She is finding it hard with a little one and you're just berating her because she's unable to meet your needs right now. I don't blame her for backing off - you sound very demanding.

She probably loves you just as much as she ever did but just hasn't got the time or energy to fulfil your emotional demands now.

You used the phrase 'not good enough for me' more than once. Maybe your support and levels of consideration aren't good enough for her either?

Sorry to sound harsh. I know it's tough to feel like a friend no longer cares. Sounds to me like she does care but cannot fulfil all your expectations. Tell her it's ok - take the pressure off.

You can't force this one.

I think you have massively unrealistic expectations; you sound very demanding to me although by my own admission I really struggle to maintain close friendships and have recently come to the conclusion that I much prefer to be alone.

she actually sounds pretty wonderful, that box of personal gifts.

Perhaps step back a -little- bit and give her time, still text sometimes but not quite as much. If she's a withdrawer, then when she's ready she'll emerge again. But by still sending some texts, you show you're very much there for her when she does.

Agree with Bitter I think the relationship has run its course.

Smiles, you know what... people like YOU ruin this forum. Who do you think you are telling me to grow up when I post with a genuine problem, having not done anything wrong to anyone but maybe expecting too much?

Thanks everyone else for your input. I won't be posting here anymore, due to keyboard warriors who jump in on every thread to insult people.

I would LOVE to have had you say that to my face. I'm guessing you're a coward though.

Smiles was a bit abrupt but there was a valid point in her post. Your most recent post almost makes it sound like you look to take offence. Give your friend some space and stop looking to other people to meet your needs.

I think Smiles is right (although worded it rather abruptly) and your reaction is very telling. I have two small children and have been going through a horrific divorce over the past 18 months. I had a friend tell me recently that she thought I wasn't putting enough effort into our friendship and my reaction has been to back off even more. I genuinely thought she came across as immature - I can't imagine saying that to a friend... we're not 15 any more! Friendships become redefined once you've had children - I remember being upset when I realised that because I was one of the last in my peer group to have children, and there was a period of readjustment for me when I realised that the most important people in those friends' lives had become NOT the group of people they used to socialise with, but their children, partner, and immediate family. We all see each other far less now, and have far less frequent contact, but we are all happy with it. I would wonder how you have so much time to want to know all about your friends lives, I don't!

Good lord, if that was your reaction to Smiles no wonder your friend is backing off.

I agree with Smiles as well, and your posts do come across as quite 'into' yourself (''Why doesn't she want to know what's happening in my life?'' - hmm maybe because she has her own life?). It's also a bit telling that you react to being told to grow up in the way that you did and then flounce off like a teenager who doesn't like what they're being told. Why is your reaction to the lull in the friendship all about how it's not good enough for you, rather than concern about your friend?

My most treasured friendships are those where it really truly does not matter if we don't speak for a while - be that weeks months or on some occasions a year or two - because we are busy with other areas of our lives, living in different places etc. But as soon as we sit down together again, the conversation starts where it left off. These are people that I imagine will always be in my life, but we don't need to speak every week or see each other every month in order to validate each other or the relationship.

I had a friendship a few years ago that became quite intense, she stayed with me for a while, and then we lived in different countries but kept in touch via emails/skype etc...during which time she went through a lot of difficulties which I supported her with......about a year later I received a pages and pages long email from her complaining that I didn't pay her enough attention/reply often enough/never had time to skype her any more/didn't seem to care what she was going through etc etc...... true, it had probably been a few months since our last detailed conversation, but she completely failed to appreciate (or even ask/notice) that I was going through some stuff in my own life and this one long-distance friendship was simply not my priority. Her immature ''me me me'' messages simply served to distance me from her further and I've felt no need to revisit that friendship since.

I told you to grow up because you are acting from your posts like a child. "Wahhhh, she wont play with me anymore" and even with this quote from one of your posts "but I want her".

Between that, your neediness and your demand that your friends should know everything about you and you them is why I told you to grow up.

Yes, I would say this to your face and I am no coward. I have had to with someone else who was like you.

You have a wonderful friend who has a lot on her plate bt everything has to be done your way. You wont call because of her toddler which I am sure she will have picked up on and you are putting a lot of pressure on this friendship that doesn't need to be there.

Just because you have kept in contact with everyone while raising 2 kids and working full time does not mean that everyone else can.

You are demanding and hard work - or at least coming across that way. yes, you have been through a rough time of it and she hasn't stepped up as much as you think she should have, but that does not mean that she doesn't want to be friends with you. Maybe she doesn't know what to say or do for the best seeing as nothing at the moment is good enough for you.

Her priority is her child, not a grown up woman who should understand that and calls herself a friend.

You say you haven't done anything wrong, but you have. You are taking offence because it isn't the answer you were looking for, from your reaction, I think you tend to do this a lot.

I haven't insulted you. I told you to grow up and get over yourself.

smiles has some very good advice, maybe not what you want to hear though.

Friendships change over time for so many different reasons and you need to adapt or, if you can't cope, walk away.

Another thing is that different people have different communication styles. I have a friend that moved abroad - I liked to send her emails/facebook messages to find out how she was getting on, she wanted Skype sessions.

We had a couple but I found it really hard to talk - DH was there, there was a time lapse, I had to look at my ugly mug in the corner of the screen when I was talking to her - it just really did not work for me at all. As a result we haven't contacted each other at all for a long time - mental note must send email.

Also I used to speak on the phone to my friends a lot, now I feel annoyed by the intrusive ring of the phone, I'd much rather communicate online as it's much more immediate, either that or see each other face to face. If someone told me that FB messages were not good enough for them I'd stop troubling them with said messages.

OP you've had some good advice here and you don't like it because it's been given without beating around the bush. It would be a good idea to come back to this thread and try to read the messages putting your immediate emotions to one side.

You need to make a mental shift. Stop thinking of her as a best friend and start thinking of her as an acquaintance.

You'll feel much better when you've "downgraded" her because you'll expect less.

Then cultivate a group of casual friends(join a group maybe) rather than having an intense relationship with just one.

Much healthier!

You sound like a lot of hard work tbh. I have friends who we just Message or quick call to say hi, everything ok? If I know that my friend is going to need an in depth hour long session it might put me off every time I have a few minutes and just want to message her quickly.
You say you are needy, that's usually enough to make people want to go the other direction.

I kind of expected to hear I'm too needy to be honest. It's just the way I am. I put everything into friendships/relationships and get disheartened if it's not reciprocated.

I get about her being busy, honestly I do. When I say "it's not good enough for me" I'm just acknowledging that I know I need more. It sounds as though I'm completely hung up on her in my posts, but honestly it's not really like that. What I should say, is I value her friendship and don't want to give up on it.

I value all your advice, I was aware when I posted that I need to be open to people not agreeing with me or throwing another perspective in that I hadn't considered before. But I'm not up for being spoken to like a naughty child.

I think I'll take the advice of backing off and not seeing her as a close friend until she is ready for that, and focus on the friends I do have, who I'm also close to.

Thanks again!