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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why did he not say he is engaged?

20 replies

Fondorlat · 25/06/2014 09:19

So, for a few months now I have been friendly with this guy Adam (not his real name), we see each other two or three times a week as he is the football coach of my ds. We have been flirting a bit lately, he is always looking over in my direction/holding my gaze for longer than normal and the last few weeks he asked to walk together to the train station and when we see/leave each other he kisses me goodbye (3 x on the cheek). He also pulls me in close to him when we are talking and held my hand last week! We talk to each other a lot! He always asks me if I will be attending any of the (many) events outwith normal training. So, I had thought perhaps this mutual attraction might lead somewhere.

About a month ago a woman appeared at training a few times (Penny), but he never introduced her to me despite the fact she was sitting right beside me and he was talking to me! He didn't engage with her at all!

Last week as we were walking/talking he confirmed directly with me that I am no longer with the father of ds (2nd time he has done so), and he told me how long he had been split from his wife. So far, so normal.

Yesterday through a friend of a friend I discover that he got engaged to Penny last month! She has posted the engagement on fb (I know I know Facebook!), pictures of them together etc. He isn't "tagged" in the photos at all, and nor has he commented/liked any of the comments (he uses fb regularly for work its not that he hasn't seen it).

Why didn't he just say last week he is engaged (also, not sure if its entirely relevant but he isn't divorced from his current wife so, engaged?)

Did I just misread the signals? Tbh its possible. Have I just misinterpreted friendliness for something else? I live somewhere where the people aren't known for being overly warm/friendly. I will see him tonight, should I mention it at all?

I appreciate this isn't a huge issue on the relationships board, but its really puzzling me. I also realise I sound 15 or so, we are both mid/late 30's.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 25/06/2014 09:23

Nope I don't think you misread the signals. Seems like some mutual flirting was occurring between you. Next time you see him don't forget to say congratulations on your engagement and take it from there.........

Avoid hugs and kisses at the station too. I'm wondering if he thought you knew about his relationship already?

dollius · 25/06/2014 09:24

I don't think you sound 15 at all, but he does!

He is clearly stringing this other woman along and keeping you warm on the sidelines in case he decides to end things with her.

Either way, Not Good News and definitely Not Boyfriend Material.

I would back off for now and just stop engaging with him.

PlumpPartridge · 25/06/2014 09:25

He's bad news - clearly not the faithful type.

Do not engage further!

deXavia · 25/06/2014 09:26

So my gut feeling is he was/is attracted to you, wasn't sure about Penny and so tested the waters out with you and either a) realised what he would lose and so got engaged or b) was on a path to get engaged and didn't know how to stop it.
Either way avoid like the plague.

Be interesting - in a purely nosy way and none of anyone's business - to know if he had an affair to leave his first wife? Is he one of those people who can't leave one relationship until the next one is lined up or just an uncontrollable flirt who likes the ego trip?
Again either way avoid like the plague

Fondorlat · 25/06/2014 09:27

No, I really don't think he thinks I know about his relationship. Penny just appeared out of the blue a few times, he didn't introduce us. It was only a random conversation yesterday about something completely unrelated that friend of friend even mentioned it in passing! Friend of friend doesn't even know Adam and I chat to each other a lot! He specifically told me he was separated from his wife!

OP posts:
Fondorlat · 25/06/2014 09:29

From what he said it was his wife who said she didn't want to be married any more. He didn't elaborate as to why....

Is a shame, I was really beginning to like him and was hoping it would go somewhere

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 25/06/2014 09:29

Maybe this Penny is a bunny-boiler and has invented the engagement stuff, or maybe anticipated it. it's very odd that he hasn't the same status or been tagged in the photos.

Something is going on and all of it sounds far too complicated to get involved in

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 25/06/2014 09:32

I think he was massaging his ego with you. Probably enjoying the attention and the boost he got from seeing you respond to him. I'm sure he was/is attracted to you but had no intention of pursuing it. He has behaved like a dick and your role now is to back right off, no more cosy walks a deux or lingering looks. If he asks what's up just tell him you don't think the way you were interacting is appropriate now you know he is engaged, friendly but distant smile, walk away.

HecatePropylaea · 25/06/2014 09:32

I would say that although it is possible he is just an over friendly flirty guy it is probable that he is a toad. Who doesn't introduce their fiancée for crying out loud? And didn't she contribute to the conversation? Or look interested or anything?

Next time you see her, introduce yourself and say I understand you are Adam's fiancée? congratulations.

I'd also drop into conversation with him. Just so he knows that you know and that zippo will be happening.

Of course, it is just possible that he is a really nice friendly flirty tactile chap who likes to get close to you and to walk you home and just forgets to mention that he is engaged and acts like he doesn't know her when she is right there. He might not be a creep, just a friendly person, stranger things have happened.

Like that time it rained frogs in Hungary.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 25/06/2014 09:32

Above all don't act hurt or angry to him as that will further boost his sad little ego.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/06/2014 09:33

A football coach working his way through the Mums.... Now there's a rarity... Hmm Dickhead.

Fondorlat · 25/06/2014 09:41

Thanks for the replies, you can see what I couldn't/didn't want to.

She didn't contribute to the conversation as she doesn't speak our language (German), she did look at us but he just didn't look at her at all!

I will do dignified and distant tonight.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 25/06/2014 09:44

well she could be his stalker.

or he could just be an arsehole. i would ask him though. if he confirmed that you are single, you're quite within your rights to do the same to him.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 25/06/2014 09:45

Kisses on the cheek and holding hands, lots of eye contact, no he knew what he was doing, you didn't misread.

If I were you, I couldn't resist asking him this evening, "How's your fiancee?" then walk off.

lowcarbforthewin · 25/06/2014 09:45

I have met men like this. It seems to be an ego boost for them, they don't stop to think that someone might actually be thinking they are seriously interested.

That or he could be an utter rat and hoping something might happen between you two despite the engagement.

Sorry you got hurt. It never feels good however old you are. His poor fiancé! Sounds like she's not being treated so well.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 25/06/2014 09:52

If she doesn't speak German then he was pretty rude to talk to you in German with her sitting right there unable to understand

Fondorlat · 25/06/2014 09:55

I do feel like a bit of a dick tbh. ffs, someone's ego boost! I thought he liked me, and I thought he was nice!

Really thanks for the replies. Was with xp for 15 years, since I was 15! I know nothing about the ways of men. fml.

OP posts:
wallypops · 25/06/2014 09:56

It turns out that my ex-husband viewed our engagement as taking out an option to buy. Unfortunately he omitted to tell me, or take any precautions in terms of contraception.

BeCool · 25/06/2014 10:02

He's lining you up to be his bit on the side.
What a shit.

BeCool · 25/06/2014 10:02

sorry - TRYING to line you up!

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