Relationship Decision Advice Please!

[zukkermaus]

Hi there, I'm new around these parts. Hey everyone!

I'm male, and wanted some advice / perspective on a relationship decision from a female perspective. Here goes.

I've not been the best husband in the world to my wife of 7 years, however I know where my problems lie after making loads of mistakes and I'm getting help to sort them out. I love my wife deeply. In all our time together I've never even considered looking at another woman.

We have a 5 year old child together.

I got the shock of my life recently when I found out my wife has been spending time with another man. She's been texting him etc, has been deleting his messages as soon as she gets them and deleting her replies as soon as they send. She hasn't had his number stored in her phone, having memorised it. This from a woman who can barely get mine right!

She knew this guy years ago and they liked each other then, but nothing ever came of it. Recently they bumped into each other in the street apparently by chance, went for coffee and it all went from there.

She's been going back to his flat to "hang out", they've gone out for arm-in-arm walks and drinks and stuff. She swears they are just friends although she admits that they shared a kiss. She swears it was all emotional, nothing physical, and was mostly in her head. She's been lying about going to a female friend's house to spend time with him. It's been going on about a year.

When I found out about it and challenged her, she swore she'd give him up but kept in touch until a few days ago when - according to her - she gave him up for good.

She says she admitted feelings for him and he for her however in their final phone call - unwitnessed by me - they agreed to not have any contact again.

She refuses to allow me access to her emails, phone or social media accounts. She doesn't accept she's done anything wrong.

After being livid for days, I've calmed down, forgiven her and am no longer pressing for info about it or access to her contact stuff.

I love my wife and am extremely hurt by her actions, however just as she's forgiven my faults I want to forgive hers however I doubt if I'll be forgetting anytime soon.

My questions are:

Am I over-reacting being mad about this?
Did she actually do anything wrong?
Am I letting her off the hook too quickly and easily if she DID do anything wrong?

Honest female perspectives appreciated please!

Thanks for reading.

Eh?

As far as I'm aware, the op isn't hitting his wife.

The other bits sound a bit contradictory, LumieresForMe. Unless I'm reading it wrong.

BTW, unless you're a saint op, I don't think you can move on from this. For her part, she'd lose any shred of respect for you (if she has any at all).
On your part, you'd never trust her again.
It's not some pissed up one night mistake. It's a years worth of lies and deception.

Have a look for the cheaters script - basically minimising... we just held hands, it was just one kiss, it was just one night, it was just twice, thrice, four times etc

Thanks everyone.

Some good perspectives there. Cheers to everyone who took time to respond.

So what's the plan zukker?
Have you gained anything for this thread?
I do hope so.

Yes I've gained a lot.

What now? Truth is I have no idea.

She has issues. I've known this all along. As of today she's getting help. It's for different stuff than what's led to this but it's for lifelong stuff anyway.

Today though, she's described what she's done as trivial, is frustrated, bored and wants to get out on her own.

Hmmm

Bottom line - I can just about make my peace with what's happened. I'm probably never going to find out the truth of what has gone on, so when I ask myself the question "can I forgive" the answer is "yes"

It's the here and now as well as what's to come that are a different story. Can I put up with the attitude towards what's happened? No. Can I put up with the attitude towards a repeat performance? No. Am I confident these attitudes will change? No.

Regarding any way forward, whenever I try and work out what to do I've started asking myself "or I can just not bother and get a divorce instead?"

when I ask myself the question "can I forgive" the answer is "yes" I find this astounding when she has had at the very least an emotional affair, I would assume a physical affair and she thinks it's all fine and dandy. I couldn't forgive someone when they don't think they have done anything wrong and aren't asking to be forgiven.

So she wants to get out on her own?
So let her.
She won't be on her own though. The OM is waiting in the wings.
What would be the situation with house and kids?
You need some legal advice to understand your rights.
It's not sounding good though.

I feel for you on this one. Fair enough you have been no angel with money but I think cheating is emotionally a lot harder to forgive. Don't be a door mat and tell her how it has made you feel. If she does not accept responsibility then she quite clearly is being a bitch and purposely hurting you. Is she punishing you? Deep down us women don't think men hurt as much as us. Although I think when a women starts to look for something else then she has reached the end of the road. You deserve to be happy but life will always throw you a curve ball and challenge us in different ways

Forgiving always sounds easy at this point. You've rationalised it that you're no angel and I suppose you'll run with that idea. But forgiving someone who doesn't want to be forgiven is a thankless task that could leave you feeling bitter and resentful. The scorn she has for you is likely to increase. So she has issues... who doesn't? Shame she couldn't address those issues with the person she's meant to love.

Good luck

She's not remorseful and doesn't think she's done anything seriously wrong which means nothing's changed and she's capable and believes she has the right to carry on as she has in the past. I hope you're willing to accept that as the likelihood is that it's likely to happen again.

"Today though, she's described what she's done as trivial, is frustrated, bored and wants to get out on her own. "

She don't give a fuck about you. Seperate, keep your head up high, make sure you see you kid as much as you can. Don't say your ending it, just that you're leaving and see what she does then.

If after six months she's saying and doing the right things to get you two back on track then fine.

She's now accepted that what she's been up to was wrong, has asked for forgiveness and has promised no contact with OM and no repeat. She maintains it was never physical beyond a kiss she claims he initiated.

It's a long road ahead but she's said categorically today that she's willing to do whatever I ask to make it right.

Good luck!!!

Be strong. I'm in tears tonight over a guy but I wish u could meet someone a bit more emotionally involved.

Do you never give up tashaben? I've reported you.

Apologies for the zombie post however just wanted to give an update.

Well, it's been an interesting few weeks.

We've tried to sort it out but it's a struggle to be honest. Rows keep coming, that sort of thing. I want to know a few details about what's gone on plus some assurance it's stopped and won't happen again. I don't get it and when I insist she flies into a rage, claims it was physical after all, etc, etc. She's started to become borderline violent. When she's not quiet and sullen she's complaining bitterly about her lot in life and how bored she is. We have a nice house in a nice area and she doesn't have to work if she doesn't have to.

She has issues, is now more open and honest about them and is having private treatment to deal with them.

To be blunt, it's now at the point where it's less hassle to stay together than it is to split but only just. Guess I'm providing this update to warn anyone who is contemplating one of these "emotional affairs" of the damage it can do and just how far it can go.

Emotionally cheating is just as bad as physically cheating... Could you work it out only you know. I couldn't forgive it.

Thanks everyone for your help, advice, opinions and viewpoints. I think I know where I'm going to go with this.

The moaning about being bored is, imho, is her paving the way for a split

I know men get hung up on the actual physical act of fucking but to me, the emotional betrayal and "feelings" she has for this man, plus the lying, would be far far worse than sex

She's now admitted that it was physical anyway so the whole "emotional" affair thing is kind of a moot point. Still refusing to acknowledge she's done anything wrong in the same breath and reckons most women would agree with her because "most aren't built for monogamy."