The back-story: I grew up in an emotionally and mentally abusive family due to my dad's alcoholism. He stopped when I was 9 and left the family home to get sober. From thereon in my older brother (2 years older) bullied me relentlessly and because I wouldn't back down I was often threatened and hit. This went on until I left home at 16. My mum claimed we were as bad as each other and we were left to it. I admit that there were many times when I lost my temper and hit back but this was usually after being goaded and called names by him mercilessly. It was only years later that my oldest brother validated what had happened as he had witnessed it and had tried to intervene on occasion but he was quite a bit older and wasn't around as much.
After I left I got involved in drink and drugs and spent the years up until I was 23 getting into trouble and treating myself and others badly. I then got sober and have spent a considerable amount of time trying to repair relationships and generally living a decent life. I cut contact with my brother when I left home but have recently had dealings with him again as I thought things had really changed. He had married a lovely girl and I thought this proof that he had changed. Wrong!!!
We have just come back from a family holiday to which my brother and his wife were invited and it would seem that my brother is now treating his wife in the same way he treated me when we were kids. Although he hasn't hit her yet he has threatened violence, puts her down, gets raging angry with her and generally appears contemptuous of her. However none of this is done in public. We discovered this after she confessed to the problems they were having.
I am left feeling gutted, for her, for myself and for our family. I am so angry that he has gone on to treat someone else in this way and still does not recognize it as abusive (he typically blames her for his anger). And what makes it worse is that my mum is still making excuses for him suggesting that she has a part to play, which I am sure she does but that still does not make threats of violence ok. I am so angry with my mother for still defending this abusive behavior and feel like it has opened and old wound between her and I that I thought had been healed.
I even started to think I was overreacting by calling the threats abuse and thinking that I had got it all wrong and he really was a poor chap who meant well but just gets a bit angry. I know this is BULLSHIT but this stuff is so powerful and I can see why so many people get trapped by it.
I just needed somewhere to put this to stop it festering and any suggestions on how to deal with my mother would be appreciated.