Is it easier just to stay single?

[kirsten123]

Hello, I'm 30 years old, no kids (can't have any of my own).

Have only had 3 boyfriends (all of whom apparently ok with the "no kids" thing)

1. good for 6 years, then cheated on me and left
2. long distance didn't work out (1year)
3. narcissistic, emotionally abusive psychopath (1year)

Maybe I've been reading this forum for too long but is it worth the gamble to try again? Or will the vast majority of men eventually, whether after 1year or 30 years, disappoint/betray/hurt you? Is it easier just to be on my own, focus on career/hobbies/extended family given that I can't have kids anyway? (Don't want to adopt I don't think).

Thanks!

You must be due to find a true honest guy, after 3 duds. They are out there.

It's terrific being independent. Not as a way of avoiding adult relationships necessarily but as a way of learning to appreciate yourself, building your confidence and enjoying being thoroughly free & self-indulgent! If someone happens to come along, they have to be worth the inevitable compromises... and that's a great way to sort the wheat from the chaff, I can tell you.

Yes it's easier to be single and no it's not - it depends on the situation. But deciding to be single is a bit bizarre. (I speak as a single person.) Just let your life evolve. Don't put it on hold looking for a heteronormative monogamous relationship concentrate on enjoying it. If you meet someone you like enough to share your space with, great. If you don't, great. Either way, you have one life and you need to make the most of it, whether that's as a single person or a coupled one (and most of us are both at different times of our lives. Roll with it).

Hi Kirsten
I think it is unnecessary to select a new boyfriend only if he is potential Silver Wedding material. One might be good fun for a dirty weekend or another might be good for a summer romance.
If you have trouble with your twat radar then some time studying the Red Flag list would be sensible, but mainly just go with your instincts and decide whether a man will be kind to you and good company. If he turns out to be otherwise then he has to go, whether a week or a decade in!

I Find it helpful to think of my "default life status" as single - any action or relationship I get into is just a welcome distraction.
I've never met anyone I could see a long term future with. But I wouldn't never shut the door on any possibilities!

Is there a link to the red flag list please?
Also it sounds like you are writing yourself off. Yes it's good to be a confident single person but still keep your heart open.

Yes, default life status as single, is an excellent concept.

It means you don't settle for some crap bloke.

It means you don't settle for some crap bloke.
It does! I mean, I don't get it right a lot of the time. I've been messed up through some traumatic sexual experiences when growing up and in my early 20's and I just never get it right when it comes to men. But this concept of "default life status = single" means however badly I fuck up with men, or pick a wrong in yet again, I still have my independence, my house, my health and my happiness. And they count for a lot.

Kirsten I've been feeling much the same way recently! Out of four proper relationships I've had I've been cheated on by no fewer than three of them, and quite frankly after the last one I've just given up. He was lovely, thoughtful, caring, incredibly affectionate, ridiculously supportive, wanted to see me all the time....and was exchanging filthy messages with some bird on facebook whilst refusing to have sex with me. Everyone says that after a run of bad ones you're due for a good'un, and everyone was so very happy for me that I'd finally found 'someone nice'! More like I spent ages weeding out the idiots and still ended up with one anyway. What do you do when 'the good one' turns out to be another shit? Like everyone else who's posted, I'm trying to redefine myself as being 'single' though I've got to admit I'm not particularly happy about it....

Tbh, yes it is easier but at the same time it is human nature to want the opposite sex. I find men and women so different though.

"I've never met anyone I could see a long term future with. But I wouldn't never shut the door on any possibilities!"

That pretty much sums up my situation. It's difficult enough sometimes to find anyone at all that I can really really get on with, let alone find a woman I want to settle down, have kids and spend the rest of my life with.

The problem for me isn't necessarily a lack of nice women about (there are quite a number of nice women that I know), but it isn't always enough to just be 'nice'; 'nice' is just a generic way to describe a person that doesn't go around kicking cats up the tail.

I wouldn't be writing off the possibility of not ever meeting someone worthwhile at only age 30. Your adult life has barely just begun, really.

Still, it's being happy with where you are in your life, and being happy with who you are that makes you an attractive prospect for a relationship. Searching won't and cutting yourself off from the possibility won't either. If your a-hole radar isn't working effectively it possibly means it needs a bit more practice.

30 is not old. I know so many people who went through disastrous dating in their 20s and met their partner's in their 30s or later.

I am very happy with DP, but if - heaven forbid - something happened and we weren't together, I would hope I wasn't on the shelf at 33.

If your twat radar is broken, maybe take a break from dating and try to meet people in different ways? Friends or friends or hobbies? Bit of a cliche but it can work. Also don't feel that every relationship has to workout long term. Just because he's nice and your nice, or he likes you or whatever, doesn't mean you need to make a relationship work. Relationships aren't like job interviews so in the early days it's perfectly fine to discriminate on whatever you like.

I feel like that OP, can't have children, have dated some utter twats.

You just don't know what is round the corner and who you will meet, but for now I'm trying to enjoy being single, value my independence and freedom, and run a mile from guys who are clearly shits. It's a strong position to be in, I think. I've been trying to do a lot of work on myself so I won't be vulnerable if someone who's not nice but sneaky and seems nice comes along.

I think building strong friendships is really worthwhile. I know lots of divorced people who would say that their friends are the ones who have really supported them through tough time, not their exes. And even people our age who are married don't know what their future holds, to be blunt. So friends are very important.