What to do if your partner doesn't fancy you anymore

[sd321]

I have never posted on here before, but wonder if anyone has any advice or tips to help me. I have been married for over 15 years and have two children.
We have had our ups and downs in the marriage over the years but the last year or so has been really tough. My husband has always liked to drink but over the past couple of years he became a very heavy drinker and as he works away from home it felt like he had created a new life without us. Coming home at weekends, drinking, sleeping, working then going away again. Quality time dropped off and we appeared to co-exisist whenever he was at home. Decision making and all the running around became my responsibility, despite having a full time job. I chose not to quibble, avoided nagging and just lived with it. But at times it got too much and at times it would really get to me.
Things came to a head before Easter when he told me he had a drinking problem and that he had had an affair (although this was some years ago) and that he was depressed. He sought help and was signed off for a while. He started to get better and look after himself more. The drinking stopped apart from a couple of blips and he is doing really well. I stood by him and helped him to get help.
This shook everything though and even though we are now talking more and trying to make some time for each other whenever he is home, we still lack the connection that I am so desperate to have again. In the past (and again recently) he told me he no longer fancies me and that I had let myself go, and we have had minimal physical contact for a long time now. I try to look after myself, take pride in my appearance and try to keep fit when I can. I know age is not on my side!
I just wondered if anyone else had been faced with being told that they are not fancied anymore and have had a partner lose interest. I am desperate to rebuild everything and make things better than ever before and I think he is too. I just don't know what to do if he decides he can never like me again in that way. I love him very much and am still attracted to him and even more so now he is not drinking but it hurts so much to feel so rejected. He won't go to counselling so it is down to us to make it work.

Blimey, tell him he's free to go, I hope the younger, slimmer, more beautiful women he's eyeing up find an alcoholic father of two attractive. He may need more luck than you do. You sound nice.

I'm sorry, my answer was flippant.

What is it you love about him? His kindness? his positivity? His loyalty? His good humour? His strength?

And you say you are desperate to rebuild what you had! That is the past. You can't re-create the past. You can't go back in time, and you'd be mad to tell yourself that you love him or that you MUST hold on to this relationship.

He doesnt fancy you and has rather cruelly imo told you that and he won't go to counselling. There is nothing to re-build. Let him have his freedom, and you have yours!

Eh? You're a great woman, who has basically raised his children single-handedly while working a fulltime, while he drank and fucked around, and now he's telling you you're not up to scratch?? WTF?

I think you need to have a long hard look at how little you value yourself if you're willing to put up with this sort of treatment.

Yes, I agree with cailindana.

He had an affair, you worked full-time while he had an affair. And you weren't allowed to 'nag' him.

He was lucky to have you for as long as he did. Your self-esteem has been damaged over the years. You may only recognise this rejection now that he has said the words 'i don't fancy you' but he hasn't valued you over the years. This has damaged your self-esteem no doubt. If your self-esteem was in better shape, you'd laugh in his face and tell him to take his cheating and his drinking off with himself, and wish him the best of luck finding a more attractive woman.

I don't think it's got anything to do with fancying you or not. I think he's checked out if the marriage and you should let him go.

Oh, and "I'm not going to counselling" means "I'm just criticising you to keep you on the back foot, I'm not actually willing to do anything to save this marriage, you have to keep dancing around me and making me happy, I couldn't give a shit."

Oh lovely you could lose 14 odd stone of useless fat just by letting the door hit his useless arse on the way out.

You hear that? That's the sound of peace of mind

Telling you he stopped fancying you because you 'let yourself go' is cruel, and given the attention you say you pay to your appearance, does not even sound true. I think he's simply trying to justify his affair and his drinking, turn it round and blame you. Who's he to talk about letting go when he let himself fall into a drink problem?

I'm not sure why he lost interest, but he's the only one who can reignite that interest. What can you do? You cannot rebuild this relationship on your own. It makes it all the more difficult if he refused couple counselling.

I have to be honest OP I'm not convinced he really is interested in working this out.

Thank you for your comments. On days I agree with some of what you say, but I am not prepared to just give up. I need to know I have tried everything to make it better. I know that him being attracted to me again is down to him. The fact that he has accepted help for his drinking and is making a real effort there must mean something and the fact that we are now talking more than we have done for a long time has to be a step in the right direction. It is a confusing place to be in at the moment.

You have tried. He's not trying though.

You can't do all the trying. You can't do all the compromising. You can't do all the giving.

You are entitled to stop trying. And it's not really giving up at this stage because he's checked out long ago. Really, it's not down to you to keep it all going. He's compartmentalised years ago. How you deal with the fall out is your choice. You accept the bone he reluctantly throws you, or you put yourself in the cabinet, behind glass with the other valuables.

At what point do you stop flogging a dead horse?

Regret can cut both ways: you seem to fear regret if you don't feel you've done all you can before letting go; but you may feel deep regret in the future for more years wasted on a dead relationship.

You've swallowed an affair and drink problem without a squeak, how more do you have to take to qualify as 'enough'?

His getting help for his drinking doesn't really indicate anything beyond his knowledge that it's causing him problems.

He sort of wants to spend more time with you, but he refuses counselling, he's not trying very hard imo.