Murdered by my boyfriend -BBC3

[Heartofgoldheadofcabbage]

If ever a programme should be recommended viewing it should be this. I have just finished watching the above and thank the stars I (eventually) escaped my bad situation.
Anyone else watch this?

[DrakesEquation]

Oh here we go.....some people are getting carried away, with getting carried away, mentioning no names of course...

[STOPwiththehahaheheloling]

Well done.

[SqutterNutBaush]

Justtherightbullets according to the mankind.org pdf (cant link on my phone im afraid) there 15 male domestic violence deaths in 2012/13 as opposed to the 106 female DV deaths.

Significantly less yes but its still a problem that shouldnt be ignored.

2 in 5 DV survivors are male.

It is worth stating though that there are errors in the national stats as gay/lesbian DV perps are not taken into account and there are claims (completely unverified) that the male death rate is reduced due to self defence claims.

[Ziggyzoom]

I have some experience of dealing with domestic violence and I agree with the comments about this fantastic powerful piece of television. I also agree that it should be shown in schools and should be used in the training of police officers.

I am sure that violent video games have a part to play in desensitising the players to violence. The types where you can run over a prostitute and recoup your money must surely encourage misogynistic views in those susceptible.

What I found when dealing with incidents of domestic violence was that there was often an imbalance in the relationship. The men (generally the perpetrators) were often pathetic characters once inside the police station. Though they could be manipulative and cunning, they were often lacking in basic verbal and social skills. The women on the other hand were articulate and able to express themselves in an argument. I think sometimes the only way these men could think of to reassert themselves was to become violent.

I agree therefore with the poster who said that we shouldn't only look at support for the victims, but we should also look at diverting the perpetrators from this violent path.

In view of what I have observed first-hand I wonder whether the documented problems in engaging young men in education might hold the key to avoiding the creation of these monsters. Better engagement and social education might just improve things.

I don't say this in any way to excuse the behaviour by the way, just to add my thoughts to the possible causes and methods of prevention.

I feel ashamed that the organisation I work for let this girl down so badly. It worries me that we are so strapped now and with more cuts to come that we will struggle to manage similar situations in the future. But rest assured there are some good people out there doing there best to help vulnerable women, trust me.

[GarlicJunoWho]

Argue for the menz as much as you like, but here are the stats - Office of National Statisics, Focus on: Violent Crime and Sexual Offences, 2011/12

Homicide
In 2011/12, as in previous years, more than two-thirds of homicide victims (68%) were male. There were differences between males and females in the pattern of relationships between victims and suspects.

• Female victims were more likely than male victims to be killed by someone they knew. Over three-quarters (78%) of female victims knew the main suspect, compared with 54% of male victims. In most of these cases, female victims were killed by a current or ex-partner (51% of all female victims) while male victims were most likely to be killed by a friend or acquaintance (39%).

Violent Crimes
The CSEW showed that young men were most likely to be the victims of violence. The profile of victims of violent and sexual violence varied according to the type of offence. In 2011/12, as in previous years, more than two-thirds of homicide victims (68%) were male. In contrast, women were more likely to be a victim of domestic abuse. Some 7% of women and 5% of men were estimated to have experienced domestic abuse in the last year, equivalent to an estimated 1.2 million female and 800,000 male victims. Similarly, the survey found that young women were much more likely to be victims of sexual assault in the last year.

The profile of victims of violent and sexual violence varied according to the type of offence. For example, the chance of being a victim of violent crime, based on the 2011/12 survey, showed variations by gender (3.8% of men being victims compared with 2.1% of women), and age (16 to 24 year olds being twice as likely to be a victim as those aged 25 to 34). However, overall victimisation rates mask important differences in the victimisation experiences of men and women and people of different ages.

• Children under one were the group most likely to be a victim of homicide at 21 homicides per million population, followed by those aged 16 to 29 with a homicide rate at 15 per million.
• Men were most likely to be killed by a friend or acquaintance (39% of all homicides) while women were most likely to be killed by a partner or ex-partner (51% of all homicides).
• Women were more likely than men to have experienced domestic or sexual violence. For example, 3% of women had experienced some form of sexual assault (including attempts) in the last year, compared with 0.3% of men (base on the 2011/12 CSEW).
• Women aged between 16 and 34 were more likely than any of the other age groups considered, (male or female) to be victims in the previous year of sexual assaults; non sexual partner abuse; stalking; or overall domestic violence.

Violent Offenders
As with victims of overall violent crime, offenders in violent incidents were most likely to be young and male. In around half of violent incidents (52%) the offender was believed to be aged between 16 and 24 years and over four out of five (86%) involved male offenders.

....................

What it comes down to is that men do the violent crimes - mostly against other men but, when they attack a woman, it's their partner.

[SqutterNutBaush]

I genuinely dont understand why its unnacceptable to be against domestic violence without caring what gender the perp/victim is.

Im not arguing for anyones side (i didnt even realise there were bloody sides!), no one deserves to be treated like a piece of shit in their own home whether it be physically or mentally.

People should be taught about the wrongs of treating others like that and the same people should be informed of the signs and support should they become a target for such behaviour

[GarlicJunoWho]

In a perfect world, we wouldn't need to care - we could lavish peace, love & common sense over every citizen, all the time, according to their needs.

In our imperfect world, Squt, we need to focus attention on the group that commits 86% of all violent crimes.

[SqutterNutBaush]

So the 14% who happen to have a dick dont matter?

Its fine that they are beaten to a pulp, murdered or mentally tortured because we have to focus our attention on the other more important people.

If thats the general attitide no wonder men are ashamed to speak out and here was me thinking it was the abusers whp were supposed to make them feel worthless

Im sorry but no amount of stats are going to make me understand why there shouldnt be support for all DV survivors.

Its things like this that make me hate MN.

[Dirtybadger]

There's lots of research into the effect of violent video games upon aggression and violence. Google scholar "violent video games" and it'll all pop up. One of my former lecturers used to recommend it as a research project because of the amount of data available plus the interesting nature of the topic.

I watched this tonight and sobbed throughout. Especially when the poor little girl came into the room. I recognise as a "proper adult" (23) now that I avoided an abusive relationship in my late teens (given that it only lasted a couple of months, he made quick work of it) and am so grateful. But it was just a coincidence. I didn't know anything about DA or DV. I was an intelligent teenager. Definitely not naive for my age. My older dsis was actually a victim herself after falling pregnant aged 13 (strangulation, breaking into my room as I slept to get into our house, knife threats). Nothing was ever reported to the Police despite both sets of parents knowing about everything.

I would absolutely support this being shown in schools. Possibly with just the sound for some of the very violent scenes. I couldn't watch some parts so switched screens (Iplayer). Combined with more education, of course. I hope things have improved since I left school 7 years ago, but it seems pretty possibly they haven't. "Use a condom and everything will be okay" was the message I got.

[GarlicJunoWho]

You're going at it all the wrong way. The only man-hating on this thread is in your imagination.

The 86% have dicks, by the way. They are the perpetrators.

It's a pity you can't understand statistics; that makes any attempt at discussing the facts with you completely futile.

[GarlicJunoWho]

Badger, while I agree that violent games are affecting young people psychologically, violent crime is not increasing in the UK.

[SqutterNutBaush]

Oops sorry just seen it was 86% perps not victims

But still i dont see why one side needs more support. i get that the majority needs the most focus but the optipn dhould still be there.

Tbh im probably reading back into a comment shooting down a male DV survivor earlier in the thread. I am disgusted by that attitude.

[Dirtybadger]

Garlic that's why I just said there's lot of research. Not what the conclusion of that research was.

[GarlicJunoWho]

YY to both. Can't write any more, reading that document wore me out! It's very good, though, for anyone interested. I love the ONS :)

[SqutterNutBaush]

Have also just realised that im talking about support to get out of the situation rather than sorting the root before it starts.

I agree thats best obviously but again my only argument was based on a dismissive comment made which i didnt agree with.

[SqutterNutBaush]

Its a bigger problem but not more important.

IMO every life is equal.

[SqutterNutBaush]

Anyway i digress.

Its one of those things where everyone has an opinion yet no one can give an answer (DV as a whole not male/female).

So im going to bow out as this attitude towards any victim doesnt sit well with me.

[foolishpeach]

I watched this and have felt so sad for that poor woman and her little girl ever since.

If you needed any evidence of institutionalised misogyny then the complete indifference of the Police provides it.

I think that the way we should tackle male violence against women is by fighting against misogyny in all of its manifestations.

[weedinthepool]

Just watched this. Awful that I ticked many if the 'yep that's my relationship' box. It's my birthday today. I'm 35. I really hope that my next birthday I'm not scared and not waiting for the next beating. This film was so powerful and so goddam true

[Lweji]

Weed :( I hope you get there.
Do post for specific support if you need to.
Happy birthday and a new beginning for the rest of your life. Contact WA for support, if you haven't yet.

[justiceofthePeas]

I watched it and kinda wished I hadn't. I knew I probably shouldn't.

Don't get me wrong it was very well done and an important story that needs telling and especially if it makes people understand why survivors and in this case victims don't just leave the first time or even the second.

Although as can be seen from this thread a lot of the posters already know this first hand but I hope it gets out to some people who don't have first hand experience and hopefully it can stop it becoming a 1st hand experience for them or someone they know.

[justiceofthePeas]

Excellent post upthread though about focussing not on what survivors and victims could have done differently and on why abusers will not get them go.

we need to be there to support survivors and to make it possible for them to leave but also we need to teach people respect for each other.

(My abuser did not think of me as a real person. It took me a long time to realise that. And he used to tell me all the time how miserable I made his life and how he couldn't stand it anymore and I used to ask why he didn't just leave)

[Boudica1990]

I watched it, and I really wish I hadn't. Some scenes were so similar to my marriage :(

it really is hard hitting tv, and I do hope they show it to all young people so they can see the first signs and what it can lead to.

I know I won't sleep well tonight now, I will probably have nightmares and get taken back to a place I wish I could forget about :( I wish my DP were here to comfort me.

[Isabeller]

I don't think I can watch this.

If anyone else is reading who found the strength to leave and detach I just want to hold out a hand.