Murdered by my boyfriend -BBC3

[Heartofgoldheadofcabbage]

If ever a programme should be recommended viewing it should be this. I have just finished watching the above and thank the stars I (eventually) escaped my bad situation.
Anyone else watch this?

[Happynow1]

Just watched this on I player, so sad. I was with my ex for 13 years, I was forever leaving him, but it was always easier just to get back with him. When I would think of my future I knew we shouldn't/ wouldn't be together but I knew they only way I would get rid of him is if one of us died or he went to prison. Four years ago he got sent down, and luckily - although there have been a few bumps since he got out, I am free of him. Our daughter is 12, and I can't believe how I ever thought she needed him around, coz she only really remembers the bad memories, and she is doing so much better without him. We watched this together, cried together, and thanked our lucky stars together.

[isshoes]

There are far more female victims than male. But that doesn't excuse the attitude to the male poster up thread, and it doesn't mean you shouldn't take the whole picture into account when discussing how hideous it all is.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

It's not the case that male victims aren't important. However it's impossible and unhelpful to try to be gender blind about DV. The facts are that male on female DV is a distinct phenomenon and needs to be addressed as such.
I'm not saying women aren't abusive by the way. Fucking Shona dickwad Sibaray just wrote an article in the daily shit detailing the many ways she has abusedher husband over the years. Of course female on male violence happens (and same sex DV too). However it seems to me that women tend to abuse the ones under their control, ie children, whereas men abuse women first, then children. Women's abuse also tends IME to be emotional more than physical.
Domestic abuse is absolutely gendered and it's pointless to pretend otherwise.

[Sleepingbunnies]

I hope so justice

[justiceofthePeas]

sleeping I remember your thread
There is still time for your friend.

[Sleepingbunnies]

Having just taken a friend in 2 weeks ago (only for a week before she went back) this programme made me cry and cry. For my friend, I am worried she will be next. She came to me in the middle of the night after he had BIT her face.

I am still very shaken this morning :(

[Meeeep]

I

[isshoes]

This was an extremely difficult watch and I am desperately sorry for anyone who has been through, or is going through this situation.

However I want to add that I too was horrified by the attitude towards the male poster on here who spoke of his experience as the victim of DV. Yes the proportion of male to female DV is probably a lot higher than the other way round, but that doesn't mean we should ignore or dismiss the cases where men are the victim, particularly when one poster says he has been through it himself.

[Isabeller]

Thank you Garlic I will do that.

[GarlicJunoWho]

Isabeller - please would you have a look at this thread, if you haven't already? Very much hoping OP comes back to it in one piece tomorrow, when I'm sure she'd welcome another outstretched hand.

[Isabeller]

I don't think I can watch this.

If anyone else is reading who found the strength to leave and detach I just want to hold out a hand.

[Boudica1990]

I watched it, and I really wish I hadn't. Some scenes were so similar to my marriage :(

it really is hard hitting tv, and I do hope they show it to all young people so they can see the first signs and what it can lead to.

I know I won't sleep well tonight now, I will probably have nightmares and get taken back to a place I wish I could forget about :( I wish my DP were here to comfort me.

[justiceofthePeas]

Excellent post upthread though about focussing not on what survivors and victims could have done differently and on why abusers will not get them go.

we need to be there to support survivors and to make it possible for them to leave but also we need to teach people respect for each other.

(My abuser did not think of me as a real person. It took me a long time to realise that. And he used to tell me all the time how miserable I made his life and how he couldn't stand it anymore and I used to ask why he didn't just leave)

[justiceofthePeas]

I watched it and kinda wished I hadn't. I knew I probably shouldn't.

Don't get me wrong it was very well done and an important story that needs telling and especially if it makes people understand why survivors and in this case victims don't just leave the first time or even the second.

Although as can be seen from this thread a lot of the posters already know this first hand but I hope it gets out to some people who don't have first hand experience and hopefully it can stop it becoming a 1st hand experience for them or someone they know.

[Lweji]

Weed :( I hope you get there.
Do post for specific support if you need to.
Happy birthday and a new beginning for the rest of your life. Contact WA for support, if you haven't yet.

[weedinthepool]

Just watched this. Awful that I ticked many if the 'yep that's my relationship' box. It's my birthday today. I'm 35. I really hope that my next birthday I'm not scared and not waiting for the next beating. This film was so powerful and so goddam true

[foolishpeach]

I watched this and have felt so sad for that poor woman and her little girl ever since.

If you needed any evidence of institutionalised misogyny then the complete indifference of the Police provides it.

I think that the way we should tackle male violence against women is by fighting against misogyny in all of its manifestations.

[SqutterNutBaush]

Anyway i digress.

Its one of those things where everyone has an opinion yet no one can give an answer (DV as a whole not male/female).

So im going to bow out as this attitude towards any victim doesnt sit well with me.

[SqutterNutBaush]

Its a bigger problem but not more important.

IMO every life is equal.

[SqutterNutBaush]

Have also just realised that im talking about support to get out of the situation rather than sorting the root before it starts.

I agree thats best obviously but again my only argument was based on a dismissive comment made which i didnt agree with.

[GarlicJunoWho]

YY to both. Can't write any more, reading that document wore me out! It's very good, though, for anyone interested. I love the ONS :)

[Dirtybadger]

Garlic that's why I just said there's lot of research. Not what the conclusion of that research was.

[SqutterNutBaush]

Oops sorry just seen it was 86% perps not victims

But still i dont see why one side needs more support. i get that the majority needs the most focus but the optipn dhould still be there.

Tbh im probably reading back into a comment shooting down a male DV survivor earlier in the thread. I am disgusted by that attitude.

[GarlicJunoWho]

Badger, while I agree that violent games are affecting young people psychologically, violent crime is not increasing in the UK.