Murdered by my boyfriend -BBC3

[Heartofgoldheadofcabbage]

If ever a programme should be recommended viewing it should be this. I have just finished watching the above and thank the stars I (eventually) escaped my bad situation.
Anyone else watch this?

[Nancy66]

Really good piece of film making but very hard to watch.

No coincidence that the first time he attacks her is when she's heavily pregnant, vulnerable and dependent on him for money.

[Thumbwitch]

Violent abusive men won't let women leave because they think the woman is their property. They can't allow them to take back control of their lives and be free. They want to own and control every aspect of that woman, including when their life ends.

I had a narrow escape - I was in a relationship with a pathological liar who had violent tendencies - he, thankfully, left me for someone else but kept coming back to me (mostly because he owed me money and I needed it to be repaid) to tell me how misunderstood he was blah blah blah. I got off sooo lightly in comparison with so many other people, but it scared me rigid that I got sucked into that relationship and allowed the shit that did happen to me to happen. Fucked if I know why, now.

I'm not sure I can watch this through to the end. :(

[STOPwiththehahaheheloling]

I didnt see the start of the programme, i joined it at the bit where the police woman was asking what happened her face. Does anyone know if it is to be shown again on bbc3?

[CarCiKoTab]

STOP you can watch it on BBC iplayer that's where I've just watched it. I thought it was brilliant in the way it reflected the actual goings on and how she felt throughout. Well written and well acted!

Everyone keeps on talking about the real thing, I tried to find the real story because I was trying to find out when it all happened and all the other details but, the real story seems non existent anyone point me in the right direction?

[Thumbwitch]

I'm watching it on iPlayer too.

[ArcheryAnnie]

I couldn't bear to watch it (too much like real life, and I've had enough of that for a lifetime), but I'm very grateful that it was made and screened.

[STOPwiththehahaheheloling]

Good idea! Didnt think of iplayer.

[STOPwiththehahaheheloling]

Btw, at the end of the programme it said that ashley lay for 2 hours before an ambulance was called. Does anyone know who called the ambulance?

[Thumbwitch]

OK. Shit. Watched it all. Horrifying but not as nightmare-inducing as I worried it would be. I hope, anyway. Still fucking awful though. Poor girl. :(

Much though I would love this to be part of the school curriculum, EVERYWHERE, not just in the UK, I can't see it being approved - there would be too many parents up in arms about it. So many of them get het up about even sex ed, ffs - they won't want their little preciouses knowing about the dark side of life. :(

[STOPwiththehahaheheloling]

Yes i agree thumb- it would never be allowed.

[Stressing]

My advice to anyone who could feel over stressed by the film is to not watch it to the end. Up to about seven minutes to the end, I found it terrible but manageable. When it got to the end I froze and my DH looked visibly shaken. Brilliant, but hard hitting. It kept me awake all night and I can't focus on work today because of it.

[Thumbwitch]

I agree. I think the only reason, and this is just about as stupid a reason as it's possible to be, that I wasn't as completely horrified by the ending as I thought I would be is because it reminds me of the way they filmed Bill Sykes beating Nancy in the musical Oliver. Very similar filming technique.

[GoshAnneGorilla]

Actually Thumbwitch and STOP, the drama was made in conjunction with BBC Learning and parts of it will be shown in schools:

www.theguardian.com/society/2014/jun/16/teenage-girls-domestic-violence-truth-risk-message-schools

The drama has been part-funded by BBC Learning, and selected scenes will be shown in schools in an attempt to spark further discussion. "I really hope that young people watch it and talk about it," says scriptwriter Regina Moriarty. "I want them to discuss the different gradations of abuse: when does something become abuse; what should you do. These are difficult questions, but just talking about it is a starting point."

[Thumbwitch]

That's good to know Gosh - but I bet it won't include the really hard scenes. Still, it's a start. Hope the discussion is guided along the lines of "what makes a bloke think it's ok to lose his temper like that and hit someone, especially someone he's supposed to love?"

I did a google search that brought up a BBC list of teens who had been murdered in 2008 and 2009. Of the teen girls who were killed, the vast majority of them were killed by their boyfriend, either current or ex. But the number of girls killed was a lot less than the number of boys - male violence is something that needs to be addressed in all ways, not just against women. Not trying to derail this or turn it into something else, just widening the perspective - why do men, in particular, think it's ok to bash other people?

[hellymelly]

I think it is a really good thing that this might be shown in schools. When someone you care for and trust becomes violent , it happens in such incremental stages that you can't see the end point. If someone tried to throttle you on your first date anyone would call the police, never see that person again. But bit by bit a woman's confidence can be eroded and her faith in her own judgement destroyed. By the time it gets to the point where her life is in danger, she is just living from moment to moment, there is no possible perspective, it is all tiptoeing and trying not to antagonise and constant fear. Impossible to be rational and clear in that situation. Maybe being forwarned of the red flags, knowing how the slide downhill happens, beforehand, might save some young women.

[hellymelly]

And the police response, or rather lack of it, is as terrifying as the crime. I have a friend whose SIL was killed by her estranged/ex husband. He shot her, badly maiming her, and then shot himself dead, but the police waited for the armed response unit as they refused to accept her word that he was dead. She bled to death while on the 999 call, it took over half an hour for her to die and she could have been saved if an ambulance had got to her sooner.

[Thumbwitch]

Jeez Helly, that's really awful. :(

[heyday]

I have already posted on here re the horror of this film. What is probably even more horrific is the fact that he only got a fifteen year prison sentence which on appeal was increased to 20. I just heard of a guy who got 20 years for smuggling cigarettes into the UK. So men who murder women and leave their children without a mother actually get a lesser sentence than those who defraud the government of VAT. Seems that all too often a woman's life has little value.

[hellymelly]

The short sentences are all too frequent. Some years ago there was a case where a man killed his wife in fron of their teenage daughter. He got a few years, probably could have been out in 18m to two years. I remember reading the paper and just feeling absolute shock that someone's life could be so little valued.

[Scarletohello]

I haven't seen this yet ( will now tho) but used to work as a trainer for an organisation that supported victims of DV and other crimes. I wish a program such as this could be shown to all those MPs who are currently hard at work cutting services to victims of this horrific crime.

[SqutterNutBaush]

I dont think it was appropriate to name the lady here, her family didnt want her name to be associated with the film to protect those around her.

Yes it was all over Twitter and the story was out there originally but the ins and outs of her personal life werent. The program showed us all that we needed to see withput dredging up the facts behijd it.

[STOPwiththehahaheheloling]

Ive reported the post naming the victim just to preserve her anonymity as requested by her family.

[jess12051990]

iv just spent the last 2 years going through court trying to stop my ex from having unsupervised contact with my son. in the meantime he had a new girlfriend. while having assessments he was battering her and a few weeks ago got a fine for doing so, and still managed to fool every professional that he is a changed man. Its happening all the more because this country is too soft with dv. He now has him every friday night unsupervised and in the court order it says he is not to allow my son to come into contact with any future girlfriend unless the relationship is going well! how the hell that is a rule i do not know but hey this country is a joke and if anythin happens to my son or if he grows up thinking its normal to hit women i know who ill be blaming and im sure its only a matter of time

[STOPwiththehahaheheloling]

Jess i am so angry on your behalf. I truly hope no harm ever comes to your son but i understand the worry. My son's paternal Gps got unsupervised contact despite instigating a violent incident in front of him. When i explained to the judge my fears of son witnessing violence or being at risk he asked me if they had ever threatened my son directly which i replied "no" and the judge replied "well it's irrelevant then" (meaning what my son had already seen was irrelevant because he wasnt personally threatened)

You are right- it's a joke. Women and children are not being protected. They are being left vulnerable and at risk. For what reason? Why do the authorities not want to protect women and children? Why are the rights of abusers more important?