If you have trust issues how do you...

[MollySolverson]

Get over them in order to have a happy, healthy relationship?

I've been hurt a lot in the past, and have low self esteem and v poor confidence, which I am working on but of course this takes time.

I'm in a fairly new relationship. He is a lovely man and basically I have no reason to believe he doesn't mean what he says. But, I just can't stop thinking he will find someone better and leave me. This makes me anxious and then I have mini meltdowns and tell him how rubbish I am and that I know he will leave eventually etc. Bloody stupid as I know I am pushing self destruct but can't seem to stop. Of course it may then become a self fulfilling prophecy.

If you've had this sort of problem how do you get over it? Just grin and bear it, keeping your mouth shut? Grit your teeth and hang in there until its obvious that he really does quite like you so you can finally relax as you've been married for 17 years ? I'm so sick of pushing the self destruct and ruining things for myself :(

Hey, Im very similar to you, although a bit better now.

This is nothing to do with your DP or any other guy. It's your perception on things. So you need to sort your own thoughts out - would you have counselling?

Anxiety is an illness so don't feel bad - you're not doing this on purpose. A good tip I read once was if you're at risk of pushing that self destruct button and saying something hurtful, think to yourself

Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it necessary?

If the answer is no to any of those questions then don't say it x

Oh yes, been here....

I was so negative at 17, just like you describe....

I am 36 and a different person now, I overcame these feelings by
really pushing myself, doing a degree, passing my driving test, even
having a twin pregnancy and being a bit tougher about life...

the most important thing is confidence, fake it til you make it attitude,
not arrogance or complacency but just a bit of self belief...

I learnt the hard way that if you do not value yourself then no one else will... and yes I am happily still married to the bloke I always believed to be a punch above my weight 20 years later, getting older helps...

Hope I have explained myself clearly, don't feel bad, you are your
experiences, sometimes you can use bad experiences to make you
a much better person :)
HTH

Rodgette

That was a really thoughtful post. I will try to put the bad experiences to some good.

I am a great believer in cognitive behavioural therapy. It really can help to change your thought processes so that a lot of these negative thought/emotions can be challenged and eventually ( hopefully) overcome.

This could be me posting as my situation the same .
Watching thread with interest.

This could also be me writing this!

I am too in a new relationship and have been hurt a lot in the past. We went out on Saturday night, I got hammered and went mental at him, because of MY insecurities. He had done nothing at all to upset me. I just hurt people because I always think they're going to hurt me anyway.

I'm very, very lucky in that he is very understanding of it, and has completely forgiven me for my vile behaviour towards him the other night.

I'm trying very hard to stop thinking negatively, but it is so hard. I'll be furious with myself if my insecurities make me lose a very lovely man.

It's comforting to know I'm not the only one feeling the same way, altho I feel for you all and wish none of us did!

Well you definitely need to stop telling him you're rubbish and that you know he'll leave you. Nobody likes needy and clingy and that is the behaviour that would have most people running eventually. So yes ... Stop doing it. And it's most definitely in your power to do so. Use distraction techniques when you feel it coming on ... Read an absorbing book, eat nice food, treat yourself to something ... Whatever helps.

By spilling all this angst you will not achieve anything bar him thinking negatively about you. Confide in a friend or see your doctor

And yes I do understand how you feel. It's shit and hard to get a handle on but you must! You're as worthy as the next person and don't forget that

How long in your adult life have you spent being single? The way I see it is that confidence and self-esteem can only come from within and not from a boyfriend or anyone else. Keep expecting the next relationship to provide you with missing self-esteem and you'll keep having the same problem. 'Trust issues' can be symptomatic of insecurity but they can also come from being with someone who is untrustworthy, of course. So another reason to take a break.... learning to trust your judgement again.

How to build confidence.... be self-reliant, set yourself challenges, learn something new, face your fears. When you care a lot less what he thinks of you, when you're less frightened of being dumped, and when you can critically evaluate a potential boyfriend better... that's the time to think about dating.

Have you had any counselling at all? I would definitely recommend it.

Thanks all, for your helpful and kind replies. Sorry to hear there are a few of us out there, though rodgettes post shows there's light at the end of the tunnel!

angels thanks, that's a good thing to have in mind.

ladybird I recognise that scenario very well! Its so awful, you see what you're doing but can't seem to stop. Glad your partner is understanding though. Mine is too, which is great as it's really been used against me in the past. Have you had any therapy for this sort of thing?

theworld, you're right, I think people believe what you tell them about you, essentially, so eventually he will think I'm rubbish because I've told him I am.

cogito, I see what you mean but we've been together since last year, I'm not going to break up with him! I want this to work and it is, there are just these little dips every now and then (think this is the second so far).

I've been in and out of counselling all my life, and I'm doing a lot of work on my self. I do think I'm getting there but its a slow process l.

You don't have to break up with him but I think you have to try to be more independent and less reliant. How much time do you spend together? Do you have your own friends and a good social life outside of each other? Is your job fulfilling and a source of pride? Counselling can only do so much

My story is so similar to yours mollysolverson
I nearly lost my new partner the weekend due to my insecurity i accused him of allsorts despite him doing nothing to warrant that treatment.
I am having 1 hr (funded by parents) of private psychotherapy a fortnight out of desperation.

I'm not sure I've said how independent I am :) very, as it happens. Yes my life, including my work, is fulfilling and a source of pride, and yes I have a social life and my own friends.

I actually struggle with intimacy, more than anything. I'm very confident when on my own. I'm certainly not looking for aan to fix my life. I've done that very well for myself. Why do you feel Im reliant on him?

Rewy, I'm sorry you're in a similar situation. I hope the psychotherapy helps.