Stuff my Mum Says

[BouncyBabe98]

My parents are staying with me, my husband and my 1 year old for a few days.

Here are some comments made to me by her over the last few days.

'Well you are no lady' (telling her I wanted to go to the horse racing for a good friends hen do' (they do ladies day and I was looking at what other 'ladies' wear for inspiration!

Me commenting on feeling self conscious about scar on arm, she: ' well you shouldn't be so court up in your appearance'

Basically this would not normally get to me however its they way it's said like in a real smiley way. She has always been a bit sharp mouthed but since I have been pregnany it really gets to me. I feel so anxious when I am I'm her company - waiting for the next verbal attack. Is this normal mum behaviour or am I over reacting??

These are just a few comments. I could seriously list so many occasions where she puts me down it sometimes feels like any excuse. I'm not good with confrontation so have never confronted her about this. When I hear about other mothers getting support from their mothers I feel like have I been a terrible daughter to warrant these comments. I try so hard to make her like me and be kind to her. I feel like the next verbal hit is always round the corner

Any advice ? Am I just being over sensitive?

No, you aren't being oversensitive. In 'normal' families, blood relations boost each other up, not tear them down.

I started by saying "Ouch!" to the backhanders. After a while, I moved on to "That was rude!" followed, later, by "Stop putting me down."

They don't talk to me as much these days but at least they're not streaming negative feedback!

Stop trying so hard to be liked and stop trying to be kind. Doesn't matter than she's your mother, when faced with someone who shoots from the hip, shoot straight back. Have some assertive retorts up your sleeve and use them.

"Well you are no lady"
"Apple doesn't fall far from the tree Mum... "

Be assertive and they might not like it but they'll sure as hell respect you.

My mum has always done this..just little things that might not seem much but basically add up to making me feel shit about myself. I finally called her on it and she claimedshe had no idea she was doing it but admitted her mum does it to her and it makes her feel rubbish. She's made a real effort not to do it again. I think you should pull her up on it, I told my mum she needed to stop putting me down or I would call her on it every single time. It's ok to stand up for yourself, you deserve better. If you find it hard imagine you're standing up to someone doing it to your DC

Ironically, put-down parents are always the ones who say "If you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say anything!" I have certainly fed this back a few times, prefixed by "What was it you used to say ...?"

I also agree with Cog (I always do, it's so boring ...) but I think some of it depends on whether you're okay to accept the insult and give it back, or basically want to reject the insult which is what I did.

It is tricky, isn't it? My mother also does this. In fact, it was only when she tried to rope DP into it doing as well that my self-respect kicked in and I pointed out what she was doing - she's been a lot better since. I honestly don't think my mum is a cow, but she has struggled to understand that she and I are separate beings. Any failings of mine she somehow feels reflect badly on her, so if I am overweight, loud, opinionated, messy etc it upsets her as she clearly thinks it is all to spite her. It isn't. I know she wouldn't dream of speaking to my brother that way so it must be because I'm her daughter that I'm fair game.

Garlic brilliant advice there. I think I will take a leaf out and use it.

Thanks. My sister was ill when I was a teenager (she is 18 months older than me) and since then I have always felt the need to be the daughter (good, caring, supportive) I thought she (my mum) needed. My sister had Anorexia (she still suffers from it) and I think that put a strain on my mum understandably. I have always wanted to make my Mum proud and I have a really hard time standing up for myself. I would be devastated if my DC felt the way I do about my mother about me. I worry so much that I will damage my children mentally in some way it's horrible.

Thanks for all your comments :)

Cool, Doit, I'm so pleased it helps!

Interesting that your sister developed an eating disorder, Bouncy. It is often the visible symptom of an abusive childhood ... and, as you've found, controlling parents can force their children into fixed roles which they find hard to escape from in adulthood. Don't know if you've ever learned about children's roles in dysfunctional family situations? Kids can end up taking on more than one role, even switching & swapping roles with their siblings as the parental requirement changes.

My mum is exactly the same, and for me it felt like it got worse when I had my baby.(or I was more sensitive/tired etc) She'd say "only you would have a daughter like that" when she had a tantrum. Or "look at that face" when she was looking unhappy "looks just like you". Or "is she being dragged up"
My mum randomly said once "I saw photo of you and your sister it's so funny as your tummy is so fat but hers is so toned"
My mum usually does it in company rather than when it's just us two. I have been talking to my cousin about it, our mums are sisters and she feel the same about her mum. I think their mum did it to them and they have learnt to do it.
Hope it gets better for you. I've no advice to help but I have sympathy.

call her on it if you can.

my mum's been dead three months and I'm still 'hearing' the similar comments she made to me over the years. I loved her, and I suppose she loved me, but she could be a nasty woman.

I think my sister had it worse than me. She used to call us both out on our physical appearance (now she says I'm too caught up in mine). I feel so on edge around her and feel I'm constant fight or flight. At least they are going home this evening. She keeps calling me a dur brain - I have a degree, I have a job and a baby so sorry if sometimes I forget things! When my sister was talking to her lately (and getting frustrated I think) she said 'but your my mum' and my mum apparently muttered under her breath 'I am not your mother!' --- errrr I don't think we Are adopted?!

I try to be so nice to her :(

We went shopping yesterday. I have not been in to town for ages. Most days (I only work pt at mo- lucky I know) it is just me and my DC all day and I tried to explain to her how hard i am finding it but she makes me feel like a failure because of this most of the time. I should know now just to keep my mouth shut!

Anyway - we went shopping. I wanted to be nice and try to get her more involved. I was stopping and looking at things including baby car seats - we need a new one and I wanted to have a browse. She became anxious and was like ' it can't leave your dad alone back at the house for too long we need to go, why are you looking at stuff you already have?' I explained that I do not have a car seat. I said that if she wanted to go back I could meet her back at house. She then went 'NO - I won't be able to get back on her own'. I don't understand this last bit... She has a sat nav, and my postcode and she seemed fine driving back. I just wanted to look at some things for Jacob and maybe even myself but I felt like I was being held to a strict agenda that I had never seen or had even been discussed with me.

I feel like Bad 'host' and prob am being. I feel so on edge in my own home!! Everything is apparently so easy for her especially with babies. I find myself lying to her and my dad about having had a very happy childhood just to make them feel better. The reality is that I am often haunted by bad memories of things she has said (and my dad but he doesn't get to me as much) and suffer from bad anxiety and depression. My sister has had anorexia - seriously since age 16. She is constantly slagging off my other sister behind her back and her children- however I feel my sister needs support. I wish I could help my family so much - I want to be the perfect daughter I feel my mum needs :(

I am terrified I am going to recreate this environment for my DC.

Thanks for all your messages it honestly means a lot :)

Just realised my grammar is pretty poor here - whoops - hope you get the gist :)

Really.... stop trying to be nice. Treat her the same way you would anyone else. If she's slagging people off, tell her to stop. If your childhood wasn't very good, don't pretend it was. If you're on edge in your own home, take control. Don't lie to make yourself look good, hve the courage of your convictions.

There is no such thing as the 'perfect daughter' but you can make yourself very ill chasing some mythical ideal.

You're unlikely to recreate the same environment for your own DCs but they will find other things to complain about. That's the joy of being a parent.... the next generation always think they can do a better job

Such put downs like this are incredibly damaging. Its drip, drip and eats away at self esteem. She was not a decent parent to you and she will start acting the same to her own grandchildren given any opportunity. Never leave your children alone with her or her H.

BTW you won't actually recreate your mother's own dysfunctional relationship with her now adult children (and I also note that your sibling developed an eating disorder) because you already know that this is wrong. You have insight and empathy - two qualities your mother lacks.

Where's your Dad when your mother starts on you; does he sit there and do/say nothing?. If that is the case then he is a bystander to this whole sorry mess.

I would state that you would not tolerate any of this from a friend; family are really no different. If she cannot or will not behave (you calling her up on it may make her behave better for a short while but such ingrained stuff is hard to break) she should not be seeing you at all and particularly in your home. There have to be consequences for actions.

Posting on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread may be of help to you as well.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and
your mother needs you - as solely her whipping boy. You're one of her scapegoats for all her many ills. It is NOT your fault she is the way she is; her own parents unleashed that lot of damage on her.

I think you need to accept that you will never ever be the perfect daughter. Not because there is something wrong with you, but because she doesn't want you to be. You could do everything perfect, but she will change the goal posts t

Sorry

To ensure you never get there. You play a role in her life. And the perfect daughter isn't it.

It was one of the hardest things I had to come to terms with, but when you do it is quite freeing.

My advice is to not tell her anything personal. Keep conversation to the weather, news etc.

When she starts on complaining about your sister, tell her that if she has a problem with you sister then she needs talk to your sister and not to discuss it with you. Then repeat. Took a long time for that to sink in with mine. But be sure not to repeat anything your mum says about them to them and if they start telling you what she said, shit the conversation down.

And read the stately homes thread

Whether you're out in public, at her place or under your own roof, speak up for yourself. It may be a squeak the first couple of times, your heart might race. What's the worst that could happen? She huffs off? Plays the martyr? Gives the "After all I've done for you? " speech?

You are an adult in your own home. She won't be used to being challenged or contradicted. People have this quaint idea that respect for elders particularly parents means you allow them to be rude or unkind. Er, no.

Don't forget your DCs will eventually pick up on how the adults around them behave. Family should be our first line of defence and support not knocking us down with spite or negativity!

I'm old. when I was a young parent, people used to go on about 'good enough' mothering. the idea was that you didn't have to be perfect - if you were good enough for everyone to survive, you were doing well, and everything else was a bonus. I think the definition of 'good enough' parenting has changed a bit, but it began well.

why not work on being a 'good enough' daughter? you think your mum wants/needs a perfect daughter - well, maybe she does, but even if you met her every desire, her criteria would change and you'd spend your life chasing her ideas of perfection. you see your mum, you include her in your life, that's good enough. you are doing your bit. remind her that she needs to be nice.

another point to bear in mind, and I've made it before on mn, is that daughters don't necessarily hear what their mothers are trying to say. Meaning changes/is interpreted differently. I am very aware (because she's told me!) that my (adult) daughter often feels criticised by me, even if I'm not saying a word. And when I say something, it sounds like I'm criticising, when I'm not. There are very few times indeed when she does anything deserving of criticism - I can't even think of one as an example. So don't necessarily accept your own first response to what your mother says - think 'Is that what she meant? and if she did mean to be so rude, tell her you don't agree.

I have a "three day rule" with my mum (she doesn't know about it). Any longer than that, and I bite back at the constant stream of criticism.

I could NEVER have her to stay with me! My home, lifestyle etc. would be constantly picked at. You're a braver woman than I am, so have some

I think that some of us are actively criticised verbally so definitely know it is happening. I have been constantly floored at some of the things my mother has said over the years. Truly nasty and abusive but she remains innocent of it all and if questioned she says that I am being silly and too sensitive. Needless to say this has made me a much better mother. I had no contact with mine for 21 years until she played the "illness" card. On the one hand she acts all lovely and nice and loving and then she will floor me with one of her comments that are deeply wounding. I just don't understand and I am very much a grown up now. Have bought the book "Toxic Parents" at the recommendation of MN and it makes interesting reading even though it causes pain at realisation of how things evolved growing up.

My dad was always like this (about appearance: he couldn't grow out of the idea I was the 'sensible "feminist" school/job child and struggled to understand you can enjoy fashion AND be academic/career minded).

He is a bit of a nag anyway TBH - very controlling (exactly how he was raised) without meaning to be rude.

He would get very upset and angry if I said "I don't think that's fair" or "that's rude" (because he just didn't get it- it was how his family talked to him).
After several years of doing this I have a much easier time of it than my siblings though, because he knows what he is saying is upsetting to me.

My DM does the same. We are close and it's subtle, but she's extremely critical. DP is very good, he refuses to join in her "jokes" and instead talks about how great I am which she finds difficult to handle.

The most effective response was when I went to visit her, a two hour drive at the time and she started on me within minutes. I stood up, got in the car and drove away without saying a word. A very short visit! She was lovely to me for months after that.