Red flag or not regarding children? Please advise me

[MaryLandOfCrystal]

I've been in an abusive relationship - just coming end of "singleness for my own good" but I'm still wary of my own instincts!

Started dating someone I've known for a couple months (through a joint interest).

I'm childfree, he's got two children (one just started university, the other is coming to their final year).

I never dated someone with children so don't know what "standard" etiquette is although I know this is a common situation.

I really like him, strong mutual attraction, we get on well (thus far) although still at the sussing him out stage!

He's moved to my city post a career with lots of travelling (military). It's so he can be closer to his aging parents and his children are both at university relatively close by (they were staying with him pre-uni exams so he could do the cooking etc and help them whilst they concentrated on exams)

We only became "intimate" this weekend and I've stayed two nights at his, very happy. My own living situation means I can't host at the moment.

Now: one of his kids is back next week, post-travelling! She's staying with him for the summer whilst she works locally and saves up.

So obviously it looks like there's going to be an issue with having somewhere we can go to for private time. We're not just having sex, we go out and watch TV and stuff.

His suggestion was I just stay the night before so I'm "already there" when his child (eighteen or nineteen year old) arrives back and its a fait accompli.

I was like , this sounds like it could be awkward...Just seems a bit peculiar suggesting I sort of "appear" when the child returns. Isn't there meant to be a six month rule or something?

Long-term, I'm not looking to be a step-mum, but it seems a bit inconsiderate to the child? In all other ways he seems very considerate.

So I turned this option down, but not sure if this could indicate he's not 100% socially responsible? Is it a red flag? Or just him being a bit "sun and sex happy"?

Sorry to sound naive, but I think I "am" (grew up in a non-English culture) so could do with some experienced advice!

I think its different for older kids who are adults.

I don't see it as a red flag personally.

How long has your boyfriend been single? If it's been a while, his DCs could be used to the idea of him having various girlfriends and there's no need for any great formality. A courtesy call to say 'I have company' would still be in order though.

Divorced for thirteen years. He said he's had one one-year relationship since then, and some flings whilst working abroad. We haven't really discussed how things worked "with the kids" for his relationship.

It is a bit different when the DC are basically young adults. You could ask him if he has introduced them to previous girlfriends and see what he says, but keep it light.

I don't think it's a red flag necessarily but I think you should wait, meet his daughter go out for a meal or something, go home to your place (alone ) at least a couple of times before staying over with him. Perhaps at least the first time you go to his house once you have met her you don't stay the night, just watch tv or whatever else you do !

I don't think it would appropriate to be 'in situ' in bed the morning when his daughter arrives . I would be very embarrassed if I was you in that situation.

I would find this very inconsiderate if I were the child. I would want my dad to be looking forward to seeing me, and focusing on only me for at least a few hours.

Give her some space.

Yes, I do think that you need to be introduced to them slowly. Let her have a couple of days settling in time and then let her dad tell her about you before introducing you. I agree with Ragwort, go out for meal/drink first and build up a bit of a relationship before you invade 'her space'. From my experience, grown up kids can often be just as jealous and put out as younger ones in these circumstances. Hopefully she will be accepting of the situation and all will be well. It's going to be pretty awkward if she gets all jealous but you will just have to see how to all works out.

I think he has not thought it through and possibly it shows a somewhat niave optimism that everyone will get on well right away. Not immediately red-flaggy, but needing a bit more thought on his part.

I think it could be genuinely well meant to you, that you are part of his life, but he wants to avoid the awkward bit where he actually tells dc this! I would say he needs to focus on dc and what they have been up to first, then simply say he has met someone he would like her to meet. My friend who is dating a man with older dc met his son in a pub for a couple of drinks, very relaxed.

Put it this way, your DP might be a little upset if his dd turns up to stay with a new boyfriend he has never met!

I don't think you just just be there - that's a bit disrespectful to his daughter.

With younger children, you have to be careful about who you introduce to your children, when and why because you risk damaging them emotionally and can inadvertantly expose them to a 'risky adult'.

With adult children, you don't have the same considerations, but you do need to respect them and the fact they know their parent will be having sex with you.

He needs to spend a bit of time with her without you. There's nothing worse as an adult child than feeling like you're no longer able to have a relationship with your parent without this new person, who is absolutely nothing to you, being there.

He should spend some time with her and tell her about you and then suggest you all go out for a meal or something. Not a red flag really, but if you're just there it could taint the relationship you are able to have with her irreparably.

And at 18/19, legally you are an adult, but emotionally, she will still very much be her dad's child.

Ask him if he would like to meet his daughter's BF coming out of the bathroom at 0700 without a prior introduction.

That'll be a "no" then.

I don't think you need to wait 6 months as you might with younger children but I agree meeting you for the first time straight from bed seems a little insensitive.

My boyfriend has a 19 year old DS who was 17 when we first met. I said hello and such like things when I first went over to his house for our 2nd date and was just around. He was happy to meet me although he wasn't comfortable with me staying over there at first so I didn't. We did have my house available when my DC were with XH though. He'd at university now although home for the summer and I stay there quite often.

I think it's about common courtesy really.

Has he told them he is dating someone?
If he tells them to expect someone at the house when they return, that should be fine, IMO.

However, if his daughter is returning from travelling (gap year or shorter?) I'd think she might want a couple of days with him to catch back, particularly if it was a long trip. Ignore this if it was a short trip.

I don't see it as a red flag. He knows his children and adult children are very different to younger ones.

However I agree that the daughter should be given time with her dad so stay away for a few hours. I don't think sex is an issue at all...being number one and having a focus on you is

Of course what could be a red flag is if he has so many women staying over, his DCs are used to finding strangers at the breakfast table and no longer comment. . Less of a red flag and more of a blue beard....

I remember being put in that position at that age. I felt violated. I still lived at home though. I think if we want to teach our dcs to be respectful of other people's feelings (especially family) then we lead by example. A simple meeting for coffee is the polite introduction imo.

Older kids are much easier (usually) its younger kids that can be difficult

Well it depends doesn't it on the situation? When I was early 20s and my dad wanted to introduce me to his gf they had been together for some weeks already. No I didn't insist on him hiding her away like a bad smell.

Has he spoken to her? Does she know about you? Or were you meant to be a surprise waiting for her on her visit? The last would be weird.

If she's ok with you being there then you are really over thinking it, and really you aren't going to be the children's step mum. They are adults, my mother is deceased (she wasn't then), but I never think of dad's partner as my stepmum at all. She's nice and I like her, but if she tried to be my step mum things would turn frosty.

Just relax a bit and stop worrying it will prob be ok.