Finding it very hard to let go of this.

[Seoid]

DH and I had a huge fight last night. Basically, even though he's a good man, he has done things down through the years that have really disappointed me. To my mind, these incidents have said to me that I don't really matter to him and that he puts himself first.

I've always let things go until about 9 months ago when I asked if he could take one afternoon off a week (his job is entirely flexible) to look after DS while DD was at preschool so I could work. I work from home but even though I was always able to work around DD before DS came along, DS is much clingier and I was getting nothing done. I explained that it would be a great help and that I would really appreciate it if he could do it, but if he really couldn't then I'd sort a childminder. He said no, he would struggle to get his work done. I was disappointed but I understood - if he wasn't able to do it, then I'd have to sort childcare out.

Then, literally three days later he said he was going to start taking an afternoon off a week to start a new business, one that wouldn't bring in any money for a long time. Oh, I said, won't you struggle to get your work done in your regular job? No, he says, it'll be fine. Oh, say I again, three days ago you said that taking an afternoon off a week would be impossible. His face falls and he realises he's been caught out.

So, we had a barney at the time and the upshot was he started looking after DS one afternoon a week, as, miraculously, it was now possible to do that.

However, I haven't been able to let this go. In many ways I think it was a final straw.

I've moved around a lot for his job, at great inconvenience to myself and yet, when I asked him to do one small thing to help my career, he just said no and made up a bullshit reason for it. I felt so let down and it put the tin hat on a lot of other small things he's done in the 12 years we've been together. None of these things has ever been huge, but I feel like I go out of my way to make his life nice, and comfortable and straightforward and when I ask a little effort in return he can't be bothered. I'm worried about how I feel - I feel I just can't be arsed with him any more.

Obviously I don't want to break up a family in a fit of annoyance, but it feels different this time. I feel like I just cannot put any more energy into this relationship only to be let down again.

I don't know where to go from here.

It certainly sounds very selfish. Is counselliing with Relate or someone an option?

I think you're downplaying this by calling it a 'fit of annoyance'. It's often a small thing that illustrates a recurring behaviour pattern - in this case inconsiderate selfishness and an imbalance of effort - which has been causing resentment for quite some time.

You feel you do a lot for him and yet he doesn't feel any obligation in return. You feel you are constantly let down. His pie in the sky idea for a business that doesn't make money sounds irresponsible. The resentment is now at a level where you don't feel the relationship is worth it.

And that's what you sit him down and tell him. If the response is defensiveness and an attempt to cast blame then maybe it's the end of the road. If he's apologetic and anxious to pull his weight maybe something can be salvaged.

Talk

We did talk last night Cogito. He is always apologetic, says he doesn't mean it etc but there's only so long I can accept that excuse. At one point he said he didn't want to take time off because he was worried it'd put his job in jeopardy and that would affect the family (ie he was only doing it to protect us). I lost my shit at him, totally, and said if he stood by that bullshit then he could consider himself divorced. He did admit then that he was being defensive and it was bullshit. Basically he didn't want to do it as it was inconvenient.

He was contrite, and cried, and said he wants to repair it but I've heard it all before.

This is a give and take relationship; you give and he takes.

What do you get out of this relationship now; calling it a fit of annoyance I feel is severely downplaying this whole situation. It seems to me that he is not at all interested in wanting you to be an equal in this marriage whatsoever.

What do I get out of this relationship now? A friend. A pretty good friend, but not one you can rely on in a crisis. My own family are utterly shit so I really feel the need of a partner who has my back and I just don't feel that from DH - I feel that he's happy to coast along and do his own thing and doesn't really consider me. He says that's not deliberate and that he loves me and doesn't want to be without me etc but at some point I have to ignore the words and go by the actions don't I?

To be fair to him, he admits he has had an atrocious role model in his own father who is a nasty bastard who treats his mum like shit. He's never behaved anywhere near as badly as his father does but he does tend to think that I will sort things out and his life is the important one (which his father definitely believes - FIL treats MIL like an unruly servant).

OPtion 1: You can either carry on living with this resentment building inside you, killing any remaining feelings you may have for him.

Option 2: You can leave him.

Option 3: You can talk to him and tell him how you feel. Really talk. Insist that you want joint counselling. He needs to understand your resentment and change his attitude/make amends/show you appreciation for all you have done for him. The worst that can happen is that he gets really arsy about you wanting counselling, which will tell you what state your marriage is really in. And you end up doing option 2.

In the nicest possible way, you're trying to find reasons for his behaviour... Totally understandable, but nothing to do with this issue between you and him.
Sounds a bit like he's never really taken it seriously - though perhaps if you always fought to not bring it up he's a bit behind the times