BF and DH - conflict... How to deal

[Twowildboys]

One of my oldest friends is going through a divorce. She's been in a crap relationship for years so this is a good thing for her and she is in a good place. In the lead up to initiating the divorce she has gone through a couple of years of therapy and she has also had an affair. She is continuing to see the OM throughout and he is helping her and supporting her. I have known about all of this and out of loyalty to her not told my husband. I have backed her up and looked after her kids when she has meet the OM. My DH has known the marriage is rocky but not what else has been going on. He also doesn't like her very much which has always been an issue between us. A few weeks ago my DH read texts between us and is shocked and upset with me. He thinks the tone of the texts is terrible, I have been encouraging her to have an affair, he doesn't recognise me in the relationship I have with my friend etc etc. It's like he suspects me of having an affair because of the secrecy surrounding it all and he is really angry with me. I honestly feel that I don't have the right to share my friends issues and lives with my DH even if we are "supposed" to tell each other absolutely everything ... I can still be a loyal wife and a loyal friend. So now this is affecting how I communicate with my friend, I feel guilty if I write her a text, feel I have to
tell my husband every detail of our conversation when we meet which I won't. I don't know how to behave around this. How do you balance friends and the relationship with your husband?

Thanks so much for your replies! I do understand both sides of the argument. The OM has left his wife for my friend and she has done the same. Tbh I don't think her husband has been faithful through all the years that they have been together and although I don't condone affairs - in this case I have a close friend who was very unhappy. The way I see it I supported her efforts to make a different life for herself. A life I think she deserves. Albeit in a way I don't really approve of but she chose to confide in me and I accepted her trust and didn't break it. My DH has access to my phone which hasn't been an issue, and I usually just deleted texts between my friend and I He read a couple of days worth that we're still lying there. I understand the reasoning that he would think that by facilitating her affair I condone affairs. But hey, everything isn't black and white and every relationship functions in a different way. I am now finding it difficult to communicate with a close friend because my husband is suspicious and unhappy about our friendship. Surely I shouldn't have to choose? Do all your BFs and DHs get along just fine?

If my DH did what you have done, I would lose a lot of respect for him and also question whether I actually knew him and what else he was lying to me about.

I have friends who DH doesn't get on with. It doesn't mean I lie to him.

I would lose a lot of respect for him and also question whether I actually knew him and what else he was lying to me about.

I expect that's exactly what OP's dh is thinking about her right now, tbh.

I wouldn't have a problem with a partner not telling me confidences that they share with a best friend. I don't subscribe to the 'must share everything with my partner' scenario.

If I found out down the road that my partner knew about their friend's affair but hadn't told me, it wouldn't bother me in the least. If I found out that my partner had gone further than lending a friendly shoulder to cry on or listening ear but actually helped the affair take place, then I would have a problem.

So the OM was also married at the time? So thee is a fallout from your friends actions. At least his wife and maybe children.

I would lose a lot of respect for him and also question whether I actually knew him and what else he was lying to me about.

I agree with this.

" DH has access to my phone which hasn't been an issue, and I usually just deleted texts between my friend and I," and there you have the problem. Because not only did you not tell your dh what was going on (which is not necessarily an issue in itself) but you deliberately hid the fact from him (which definitely is IMO).

The instant you start deleting text messages you head down the road of deliberately hiding things, and that is IMO where he has the right to be upset/annoyed.

It's one thing not to discuss your every move or conversation with your partner, it's quite another to deliberately hide things from them to the extent of deleting text messages etc.

Did the OM's wife also cheat on him, making it OK for him to shag your friend? Or was it just that 'she didn't understand him and the marriage had been over for years anyway'.

My dh doesn't necessarily like all my friends but my friendships don't require me to lie to him, or engage in behaviour he finds repugnant, so I don't think he has a cause for complaint.

Oh dear.... Some quite sobering replies there. I'm going to have a talk to my husband and go through it all. Perhaps this hasn't been as straightforward as I have convinced myself. Thanks everyone for taking your time to reply!

There isn't any choosing. Your friendship is having a detrimental effect on your marriage , understandably so. I would be concerned that you have tried to justify your friends affair by suggesting it's been crap , and that her husband probably hasn't been faithfull either. You've really no idea what's gone on. Considering your friends dishonesty , you might want to rethink some of that.

Your friend sounds pretty toxic.

I'd advise prioritizing friendship over marriage anyway - or at least never give up on a friend just because a partner doesn't like him/her. Your H does not own you. You and he are separate people and he does not have the right to know stuff your friend has told you in confidence, anyway.
Reassure him you are not about to breach monogamy and then tell him to keep his beak out of your business. It's Not About Him.

I'm with SGB all the way.

I agree with others your friend sounds toxic, even down to saying that her husband 'may' have cheated in the past.

She is having an affair and has helped cause the break up of another marriage and yet you are justifying it,

I am with your DH on this one.

Sorry, I'm with the others.

Your husband doesn't like your friend. That's fine. These things happen. But when that friendship is bad for you it's valid. You've basically validated his feelings that she's a bad person and is bad for your morals and relationship.

Your husband isn't friends with your friend, so knows very little about her life. So, based on what he knows about your friend and her behaviour, flip it to him and his friends. Would you be okay with your husband:

• being friends with a man who thinks it's okay to cheat on his wife (because, after all, the marriage is "crap" and he deserves to be happy)?
• KNOWING that you'd object to some of his conversations so he deletes text messages "to protect your feelings"?
• enabling his friend to cheat by covering for his lies and making it easier for him to cheat?

Wouldn't you have more respect for your husband, and his friend, if said friend took their feelings for someone else to realise they needed to move on and leaving their marriage before starting another relationship?

Honestly, you know you and your friend are in the wrong here, otherwise you wouldn't have deleted the messages. There's a difference, as someone else said, between supporting your friend, and enabling her bad life choices under the pretense of it being "good" for her.

As kids, our parents tend to try and teach us not to pick "bad friends" because their bad behaviour may influence our behaviour. It's common for our personality to change depending on who we're with.

It's understandable your husband is worried that similar may happen to you. I'd be horrified as well if I knew my husband was associating with someone who thought it was okay to cheat, let alone that I now had proof that he thought it was okay enough to help.

I'd be sad, worried and angry all at once :(

Your relationship with your DH has taken a knock and you need to put some effort into rebuilding the trust between you.

TBH, I think that you can step back from your friend and her relationships for a while. She has already left her husband, the OM has left his wife. They are building a new relationship together and learning to trust and support each other. She will probably drop you like a hot potato focus on her new partner rather than looking to you emotionally. Now is a good time for you to introduce a bit of space between you and your friend, while you focus on your own marriage.

So, to summerise, OP... your friend is toxic, manipulative and dishonest - no wonder your DH has never liked her. You have poisoned your own marriage by covering up your role in her betrayal. You have compromised your integrity by letting your friend manipulate you, and in the process have destroyed your DH's trust. All things considered, you have fucked up big time, and must now clearly show your DH that you're loyal to him by doing whatever he reasonably needs you to do regarding this toxic friendship. If you don't, this poison may well kill off what's left of your marriage. It's your choice, but anything less would be a further betrayal of your DH.

motherinferior, 'I can think of at least two friends for whom I would leap to babysit if it meant they could go out and embark on a relationship with someone other than their appalling husbands.'

This is perhaps the most disgusting thing I've ever read on here. You really do live up to your username.

What a relief to see that most people (based on the information in front of them) reach a reasonable conclusion.

Thankfully, Mumsnet can be even handed - despite the significant minority that seem to have an anti-male default setting.

Op, it's a difficult one. I don't do secrets with dh. That's just how we are. It's fine if you're not like that.

I think the problem I'd have here is that whilst I might understand dh keeping his friend's secret of an affair, I would struggle with him providing an alibi, that would make him complicit.

This is because I hate lying and see affairs as the ultimate deceit. I know dh feels the same way. If he did what you have done, I would question whether we actually did share moral values.

It's surmountable, but difficult if dh now wants you to distance yourself from your friend.

Reassure him that you are supporting your friend because she was hurting, not because you agreed with what she did.