where are friends when...?

[ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA]

You go through shit.
I find people come to me when they need something or advice or to be listened to but when i am struggling they're no where to be seen. Anyone else feel like this sometimes.

Welcome to my world. I am going through this and it is just unbelievable!

Have you told them you're struggling and need help?

That is precisely the point. Once people get to know what shit you are going theough- they seem to avoid you like the plague

Yes they do know whats happening but seem to suddenly disappear. Think i will say no to the next person who wants something.

It's awful when this happens and you realize that a friendship into which you have invested so much is worth so little.

Recently, and unfortunately not for the first time, I have found that it is the people for whom I don't feel I have done as much that have really been there when I've needed someone. It seems to take a genuine crisis to show you who your true friends are.

One thing I have learned is to be more circumspect about trusting people and opening up to them. Maybe the ones who look for a lot of up front trust and support (perhaps due to immediate need) are the least likely to reciprocate.

I think anyone is lucky if they have one or two genuine people in their circle. Most 'friends' are there for what's in it for them, to have a sounding board or someone to boast to. When called on to put support into action it seems too much pressure/trouble/time consuming.

I have learnt not to ask anyone for anything, nor expect anything. If I have a problem I would more often than not go to a professional person [and pay for counselling/for help with tasks etc] or support group for support and feedback, call a helpline or use the internet sites and forums for advice and support.

I have one genuine friend and count myself lucky.....but she has her own stuff to deal with.

Sorry you are going through this OP its shit.

It seems to take a genuine crisis to show you who your true friends are.

This is so true as I have found out recently. On the other hand friends I don't know so well have bent over backwards to help me and really gone above and beyond to do things I would never have asked anyone to do for me. These will be the friends I will be keeping close in future. Friends I have known most of my life and helped out in the past haven't even been in touch even though they know what's been happening.

I look at it this way. If you present yourself as The Strong One that copes with everything you will inevitably become a magnet to The Needy looking for shoulders to cry on etc. (Some people even like being surrounded by The Needy as it makes them feel useful.) If the majority of your friends are in this category then they will be useless when the tables are turned. As well as saying no more often, deliberately hunt down your own Strong Ones! :)

It's shit! I'm going through this myself. Everyone juat tells me how strong I am and then move on. I've lost my parents and am looking after a newborn and a toddler by myself after leaving an emotionally abusive husbandand I dont even receive a text to ask how I am or if I need a hand. The one night out I managed to have all my friends spent the evening moaning about their boyfriends to me as if I was some font of wisdom on the subject without even asking if I am ok. I've escaped up the country to my sisters cos I'm feeling so down about it. It's hard. Makes me feel really isolated. I'm not really one to talk about my issues (which my sister says is the problem. If they don't know, then they can't help) but all I want is the occasional text to ask how I am so that I feel I could have the opportunity to talk to them if I wanted to. It's sad.

I look at it this way. If you present yourself as The Strong One that copes with everything you will inevitably become a magnet to The Needy looking for shoulders to cry on etc

Thanks, never thought of it like that before. Makes a lot of sense.

Yep, a lot of friends scraper when the going gets tough.

Oh frogmore that's shit - sending you a hug

wow wasn't expecting so many replies.
sorry to hear so many of you are in the same boat. :(
Interesting about the trusting thing I think I do open up to much to people and trust people to soon definitely.

Thanks Auntie Maggie-hug appreciated xx

That's the good thing about MN, there will always be someone around to be your friend in times of need, & give support where needed. And if you are lucky enough to have a good local MN, you can meet up for company.

Yes i am glad came on mn. Keeps me sane!! ;-) I've checked local meet up nothing in my area though.

My mum is like this OP. It sucks

I mean my mum is like the friends you describe - just realised my post didn't read right. Some people are too selfish for their own good.

I have a friend who is going through this at the moment.

She and her DH are having problems and shes moved out to work out what she wants in life. I have been there for her since before she left and i've tried my best to be fair to both her an her DH as we (My DP and I) are all friends, yet she has still moaned at another friend that i haven't bothered to text or call........now to say this has pissed me off is an understatement.

I have spoken to her nearly everyday since she left either on the phone, text or FB. I've had her round for dinner, gone out for walks, dried her tears and given hugs as well as trying to do the same for her DH and live my own life.

She threw her toys out the pram at me so i explained that i had supported her but i also had my own life to live. I also explained a lot of people probably didnt know what to say or to want to take sides in their issue so felt it best to stay away. I also said that if she is feeling let down then she needs to tell these people as she did with me. She is also the type of person who always has something to moan about and has been complaining about her DH for the last year, so i think friends are just thinking it is her going on yet again.

So i suppose what i'm saying is tell pick someone you consider to be your 'real' friend how you feel and leave the rest to get on with things.

OP, cogitoergosometimes makes a really good point there. We don't get the friends we deserve but we do get the friends we inadvertently set ourselves up for. That's why it happens time and time again- because we are programmed by our subconscious to behave in the same ways which gets us into the same types of relationship again and again.
This has definitely been my experience, I have been manipulated by people and given too much of myself to them then been let down when I needed help the most. My way of behaving is to allow the other person to dictate everything and not ask for anything in return, at some point though, they make a completely unreasonable demand of me, which I refuse, then they are upset with me for finally saying no as they never expected it.
Although it would be easy to blame those people, I know it's only their faulty programming that leads them to behave that way. I do get angry but much less so now that I know what's behind it.
The hard part is, to change my behaviour going forward. It is simple but definitely not easy!

It's not friends I've found but family who are the worst narcissistic self absorbed

Friends on the other hand thank God for them

I also think Cogito makes a good point, and it is something I worked on a lot in counselling last year. When a friendship develops quickly it is quite easy to put yourself in an emotional 'providing' role in such a way that other person might actually react quite badly when you yourself become the one who needs support. Much of this is subconcious, though that isn't to excuse the other person (we are each responsible for our actions). It can be somewhat problematic to change such a pattern once it is established. The other person may well become angry, and even behave quite childishly. Where the other person is also aware of such dynamics, such as through their own counselling, and you've discussed it, then there aren't really any excuses (not uncommon).

When a friendship is developing it is important to look for any warning signs, as they can be easy to miss. This is especially true if you're quite a giving and trusting person. It's not dissimilar to other relationships; broken promises, many last-minute let downs, actions not matching words, being 'unavailable'. If you trust the other person with something, wait to see if they start doing the same with you, and be wary of people who consistently don't do what they say they're going to. It is very difficult to guard against behaviour that is disingenuous, or even downright dishonest, but becoming a bit slower to trust really helps. Being more circumspect allows you time and space to discover the other person a bit more, and often leads to stronger and more reciprocal friendships.

I live in Berkshire if anyone would like to meet up.

Hmm. I'm a bit unsure about the idea that you know who your friends are because of how they are in a crisis. I have listened for hours one end on hundreds of occasions to the same 2 friends moan and groan about their (not trivial) marital problems for the past 15 years.

I have had a major emergency once and they were excellent. But they're never there for the good times. My birthdays (even big ones) get forgotten, months go by with no contact. If I want a moan, I get 5 minutes then it's back round to their shit again.

I've decided I can't be bothered in future. I know they'd come running if I called for help but that's not they only thing that's important to me.