Single mothers and new relationships

[BateKush]

I've witnessed some heavy going talks between my parents and my sister, who like me is a single mother with a young daughter. She is in a LTR but lately has been having problems with her daughter's behaviour and asked my parents for advice. My niece sees her dad 1-2 nights a week depending on his work. She has a good relationship with my sister's DP who is there
Most weekends. She is quite introverted which can make her appear rude. I love her to bits but she is quite spoilt and prone to tantrums.

My parents told my Dsis she should give DN more attention and divert her attention away from her DP when they are all together. They basically said DNs difficult behaviour is a product of split and she should not be staying at her DFs so regularly at the age of 6 and midweek. Also if you are a single parent, you should focus solely on your child and peace relationships until they are more grown up.

I know they sound heavy handed. I feel sorry for my Dsis. She shouldn't have asked them. But as a single parent myself who has just started a new relationship, I'm finding myself worried that if I allow myself to get involved with someone I am going to damage my own daughter who is 2.

Does anyone have any views?

I think all children, any age, any family set-up, are capable of being rude or stroppy. A lot of the time it's attention-seeking behaviour. A lot of the time (IME experience at least) it's DCs getting over-tired, not enough sleep etc. In that respect, your parents are correct in that the girl needs a lot of positive reinforcement when she is behaving properly and that she also needs plenty of stability and structure to her life. However, that is something that your DSis and her ex should work out between them and not be swayed by her tantrums. If mid-week stays, for example, mean late nights, lots of travelling and being cranky for school the next day, then it might need a rethink.

I don't think your DSis should ditch her DP in principle. Partners and step-parents can play a useful role in supporting the parents and providing stability.

Thanks Cog. I agree with all of that. I personally don't think the split itself is the cause for bad behaviour, I think it could be caused by anything but maybe it's the way it's dealt with, which may be slightly different since the split.

I think I'm getting a bit ahead of myself and trying to straighten out in my head whether there is any right or wrong way to embark on a new relationship. If there are any dos and donts IYKWIM

There are plenty of do's and don'ts :) Children either love or hate people so you have to be careful that, on the one hand, they don't get too attached to someone that is only a temporary fixture and, on the other, they don't feel pushed out in your affections by someone they don't like much. There's also a balancing act between children taking priority and letting children have too much of a say in your adult life.

With my own DS (now 14) we established early on that it's important that he has friends and that I have friends, male and female. I haven't introduced anyone on a permanent basis or tried to move someone into our family in a 'Dad' role but would like to think that, if I did, it would be with his agreement and that he'd still feel secure enough in my love to share me