ex calling in the middle of the night.

[littlegreenlight1]

I split with my ea alcoholic ex around 18 months ago. I have met someone else, we're very happy, life is pretty wonderful.
I've stayed loosely in contact with ex, he still sees my teenage son, something that was very important in the split. He's been in counselling to work out why he was so awful to me but I don't think he fully understands how much he hurt me.
I haven't got time to go into the stuff he did bit suffice to say, when we split he did accept it was the right thing (tho citing that it was both of us).

He lost his dad a couple of years ago and his behaviour worsened then. Now his mum is likely to pass very soon and because of his previous behaviour, he hasn't got anyone to lean on. He didn't/doesnt have many friends because he was just one of those blokes down the pub, would talk to anyone.

The last couple of weeks he's been keeping me informed about his mums decline. It's awfully sad but it isn't my job to comfort him now.
This morning I had a voicemail on my phone which was from 1am, him crying. The day before it was middle of the night texts saying no one knew him like I do. Well actually, I don't feel I know him anymore. I also don't really want to. I appreciate that my son wants to see him, and as long as he's not drinking then I'll have to accept that but for me, I don't really want anything to do with him. He's not his father btw.
I know I sound awful, at the moment I'm just not replying to him, but what do I do? Do I be comforting or ask him not to contact me?
I am not comfortable with him contacting me other than child arrangements, but I feel a cow as he's going through so much.
But then I think of what he put Mr through and I think he's still trying to control me!

*me

You could send him a message along the lines of 'It is not appropriate for you to contact me regarding anything other than childcare arrangements, and it is not acceptable for you to attempt to contact me in the middle of the night. If you need to discuss contact arrangements, please email me on [whatever email address you prefer him to use]. Phone calls and texts will not be answered.'

Basically, this man is not your responsibility. Don't feel guilty. He will find someone else to use his sob stories on.

Blimey! I don't think I'd be quite as harsh as SGB but I reckon I'd answer by text something sympathetic but not giving the impression that you're welcoming a conversation about it. "Really awful that you're going through a hard time at the moment but I doubt that I can help you with this after all that's happened. Actually, I don't want to either. Bye."

Or, of course, you could decide not to respond at all until he gets the message. Not all forms of communication need a response or deserve one.

He may not be trying to control you, but it's certainly still all about him and his selfish needs.

Well, tough. I'd be using sgb's approach and a mention of harassment plus the police if he keeps calling in the middle of the night.

Hi op

Just a quick thought unless he is asking for a response from you he might just be happy with being able to talk to your voice mail.
His way of maybe off loading to a silent Samaritan sort of thing, if it's making you really uncomfortable then you may have to tell him, if your not that bothered you leave him too it until he starts to feel a bit better.

But I do wonder why he isn't taking this in to his counselling sessions.

Because he probably isn't going anymore because he probably thinks he is better qualified to know his mind than a psychologist. The man is the most arrogant person I've ever known and what I once saw as confidence is just a weak man so scared of facing up to his problems, he hides behind this twat of a person.
I'm not replying, I do not want him in my life anymore, I'm really happy, in a really healthy relationship where I'm not ridiculed and put down, albeit subtly. I'm not made to feel like I'm mad or forgetting stuff he's said. I don't need this anymore.
One thing he did, one of so so so many, but it only came back to me today, we were clearing a room at his parents and he found loads of uni stuff and was showing me pics of him and a couple of old mates I'd met (a rarity). He then wouldn't turn the page over as his ex was on it and he " didn't want to upset me with how attractive she was as she was in a bikini on a holiday they'd had". Fucking arse hole.

Hi op

Looks like you have been able to clarify your thoughts and have made a decision, move forward and cut him off
Well done you and good luck for your new future.

I think you are doig the right thing

Your son is old enough to make his own arrangements to see this bloke. You can stay right of it, and should.

Yeah DS is nearly 15, they have arranged to meet up on Saturday and first I heard of it was DS asking if it was ok, which it is, as DS will play sports with me in the morning and see him in the afternoon.
Its reduced from once a week at the beginning to once every 2-3 now which suits me fine.

I imagine it will fizzle out over the next few years as your son grows up and finds other interests gets a girlfriend

Which is fine

yeah. I was sad when we first broke up as they had such a bond... but DS sees his mates a lot, does a lot of sport etc, plays in a band and ex has moved town (not far) and it has been weeks since they saw each other. He used to see my other 2, but that must have been a couple of months now.
Its a shame, he was a big part of their lives and no matter what I think of him, they thought he was wonderful. I have kept dignified and never ever told them what he was like and left it up to them whether they see him. Im sure it will fizzle out AF
:D

It would be the natural way of things, If he was good with your kids i am sure he has been a positive influence that will last into their adult life.