Does anyone else live with a gambling addict?

[Fcukfifa]

Dh is addicted to gambling. He plays roulette on the gaming machines aka crack machines.

The past two days he has put 5/6 thousand in. Over the months and years the thought of how much he has out in makes me feel sick.

He doesn't lie, he tells me exactly how much he's lost/won.

How do I react? Scream? Shout? Cry? No, I just look at him with wide eyed horror, I don't know how to react. It's gone.

I don't even know why I'm posting on here about it because no one can help, just wondering if anyone has had or has a partner who is a gambling addict. Have they ever beat it? What's rock bottom?

Oh, he doesn't want to go to gamblers anonymous, he just says he knows nothing they say will work. I've been on their website and forum but there doesn't seen much for the gamblers partner to look at.

Thinking about telling him if he doesn't try it he might as well leave. We have 2 children.

I was married to a gambler. The true extent of it only came to light once we had actually got married. He would hit rock bottom - spend all his salary within 5 minutes of it going into his account for about 3-4 months and then come and admit to me what he had done. We had separate bank accounts, so I still was able to pay the mortgage and bills.

He would go to GA and I would support him. He would be fine for 6 months and then the whole sorry process would start all over again.

The final straw for me, was him stealing £800 that I had saved up to make the garden safe for our DS.

It wasn't easy, but the best thing I ever said was 'Get out'.

That was 7 years ago and was the best thing I ever did. He is gambling again and hasn't paid his rent for 3 months and owes money to all and sundry. He is a gambler and will never change.

The only thing he does make sure, is that he has food, gas and electric for when DS is there. He will go for a full week without any credit on his electric or gas and can go days without food because he has gambled his last penny.

He's a lost cause and I am so glad that he is not my responsibility anymore. Life is so much easier and less stressful.

Attila, at the moment no I don't see myself leaving him in all honesty. We are very much on love, and trust each other completely. As a family unit we are very strong and the children would be heartbroken.

I want, mainly, to be there for him and support him. However I am feeling pulled down by it all and maybe will consider telling him that I need to speak to someone about the way his gambling affects me.

Those points are very helpful thank you.

Mystic, everything you just said is exactly right. He physically cannot walk away.
I did have a look on the gamcare forum a while back but couldn't find any posts from family members. I will have another look tonight.

Popcorn thank you for replying :)

Lucy, I'm sorry about your partner. I can understand why stealing money that you had saved for the benefit of your child would tip you over the edge.

It seems to be such a taboo subject, I only know of one other person who gambles.

Fcukfifa - I would have really liked to have made our marriage work, but for me, there was only so many times I could deal with it.

I still do feel for him when he is back gambling, but I constantly tell myself it's not my problem anymore and I can't change him if he doesn't want to change.

I really hope that your DH gets the help he needs and that you can both move forward in a really positive way.

Sorry I didn't see your post before I posted about staying together.

The one redeeming feature of my dh is that he doesn't lie about gambling and doesn't steal. I don't think I could cope if he did.

Thank you for your nice words :)

You sound really passive and strangely confident that he tells you everything. Have you gotten a credit report that confirms that there aren't any loans or credit cards? Your H is an addict and honesty and transparency aren't common characteristics of an addict.

This is family money and you have every right to have an equal say in how it is being spent being pissed up a wall. Do you want savings and the ability to financially plan for you and your children's futures? If the answer is yes, then delegating the responsibility to a gambling addict is a strategy that is foolhardy at best.

You could be waiting a really long time, if ever, for him to see the light. Stop waiting for his rock bottom and identify where yours might be.

Name changed

I am a compulsive gambler in recovery through the help of GA and the 12 step program.

Firstly poor you. It's a terribly hard time for you.
Have you heard of the 3 c's
You did not Cause this
You cannot Cure it.
You cannot Control it.

Your partner will continue gambling until HE decides he has had enough. He will then need to seek help, compulsive gamblers are unable to stop themselves. If he does not choose to do this it will get worse. GA believe that gambling is a progressive illness, it always gets worse.

Given the amounts your husband is gambling and his position he is at very high risk of committing crime to fund his gambling. ( if you don't believe me think about the fact that most people attend their first GA meeting in prison.)
As his illness progresses unchecked there will be lies, deceit, anger, mood swings, job losses, depression and worse to come. Financially you will end up with nothing.

You cannot 'make' him go to GA. he has to want to go for himself. We see new members every week who are attending for people other than themselves. They rarely succeed. It is true that most people have to hit a personal rock bottom before attending but not always.

As for those who have had to take on finances etc, without GA attendance and living the 12 step program this is abstinence NOT recovery. Our experience is that this will not last in the long term. Sorry to be so blunt about it all but there is no way to dress this up.

You now have to decide if you want to live with a compulsive gambler. Only you can make that decision. But even if you do and he recovers you will never have a 'normal' life. He will always be a compulsive.

There is help for YOU. gamanon. ( this will not help your partner)

The only glimmer of hope I can offer is that if he does choose recovery and embraces the 12 step program he will in time become a much more insightful and well rounded individual as the program forced you to examine your character in all aspects of your life.

Good luck.x

Fcukfifa - I have to echo much of the above two posts.

You really shouldn't trust him. With the amounts he is losing he is in very deep. Even with full access to finances and credit report dh managed to pull the wool over my eyes by lying. He did more and worse and it got incredibly messy. I honestly wouldn't have believed he could have done some of the things he did if I hadn't seen them.

Your dh will need to want help for himself before anything will even begin start to work for him and he doesn't sound anywhere near that point which is why you need to start protecting your own and the dc interests right now. Today.

I have to say having lived through what I have if dh were to take it up again I would leave him. Living with an active compulsive gambler is hell. Until he starts to face up to the problem and want help you will never have peace of mind.

Even if he does reach that point it's not an easy journey because the compulsion is never over, just latent.

I'm not saying this to be unkind but an active problem gambler leaves a lot of victims in his/her wake. I don't want to see anyone else become one.

He's junked £5000-£6000 on machines in two days. You say he neither lies nor steals but unless he's on a Premier Division footballer's salary, where does he get that kind of money?

Isetan, I am strangely passive about it, if someone would have asked me how I think I would react to all this, I would give a completely different answer. But it is what it is.

I have seen his credit report, he rarely uses his bank account, I have full access to it there's literally his phone bill and our sky bill.

He does borrow money off his mum, his father in law and a couple of friends. But pays them back (I don't think this is ok)

What am i supposed to do in the meantime until he decides to reach for help?? I'm enabling him. :(

Cogito, he's got his own business. He won £4000 from a football bet on the World Cup, then blew that and a bit more.
Yesterday he's won most of it back so is elated today. I'm not.

Getthefeck, thank you for your insightful post. Is there anywhere where I can get information about the 12 step plan? Just to get the feel of it?

I will look on gamanon thank you.

Have you completed the 12 step program?

He has his own business (how much financial trouble is that now in, do you know?) and is partially using money from that to gamble. He is also going to his parents and a couple of friends who enable him and this by giving him cash (presumably he is lying through his teeth to them to get this). He's also lying completely to himself. If you add it all up this must run into tens, even perhaps now near a hundred thousand pounds.

There's only one way for you in this currently and that is down.

He may never decide to ask GA or any such organisation that helps problem gamblers. Reaching his own rock bottom is no guarantee that will then happen either.

Have you ever seen a poor bookie, no neither have I.
Do
?Seek the support of others with similar problems; attend a self-help group for families (Gamcare)
? Explain problem gambling to the children.
? Recognize your partner’s good qualities.
? Remain calm when speaking to your partner about his or her gambling and its consequences.
? Let your partner know that you are seeking help for your own sake because of the way gambling affects you and the children.
? Understand the need for treatment of problem gambling despite the time it may involve.
? Take control of family finances; review bank and credit card statements.

Don’t
? Preach, lecture, or allow yourself to lose control of your anger.
? Make threats or issue ultimatums unless you intend to carry them out.
? Exclude the gambler from family life and activities.
? Expect immediate recovery, or that all problems will be resolved when the gambling stops.
? Bail out the gambler.
? Cover-up or deny the existence of the problem to yourself, the family, or others.

Did you say he mostly operates on a cash basis? If he's got his own business and he's handling thousands in cash is he keeping proper accounts and paying income tax and VAT etc or is he dodging tax? Also, do his parents etc know that he is gambling so much? Do they think the money they lend him is going into machines or are they told some story?

I think the only way you're going to persuade him to reach for help is to show him what he is going to lose if he doesn't i.e. his family... and follow through. He's a risk-taker by definition so anything less than a straight choice backed up with hard action and he'll gamble that you're not serious.

At the very least try and attend some Gam-anon meetings.

www.gamanon.org.uk/index.php

Is there any way he can switch to being paid by cheque or bank transfer?

The cash is obviously a massive temptation and one he just can't handle. He isn't in any kind of control of this and I'd be concerned about the business accounts and due expenses too. He is very, very likely to believe that one big win will sort out whatever mess he has created and that just isn't going to happen.

Family lending him money is also enabling him. Are they aware he has a problem? If not I'd advise telling them partly to protect them and partly to start drying up further easy sources of cash.

If he can start to feel some of the consequences of what he's doing he may become more open to the idea of seeking help.

Hi fcuk.

Yr welcome. Firstly there is tons of stuff on the internet about the 12 step program. Start at the GA website. It really is a much deeper program than it first appears snd gamanon will help you make sense of it.

The 12 step program is an ongoing program which in truth one never really completes. Successful recovering gamblers keep redoing it or keep revisiting parts of it. I am living the 12 step program, currently working hard on steps 5 and 6. But it took me a year at GA just to accept the very first part of step one - that I was powerless over gambling. It can be a very long and difficult program.
But just to be clear there is no cure for compulsive gambling. The truth is no matter how long our recovery we are all just one day away from our next bet. Sadly many members come for a few months, stop gambling, life and finances improve and they stop coming!!! Sadly most return some years in the future having returned to gambling in a much worse fashion.
I'm on holiday at the mo but I'm back on thurs. Please feel free to pm me and I can happily talk to you about all aspects of compulsive gambling, recovery and the 12 steps. It's no imposition. Part of our obligation as a GA member is to help spread the message to those who are suffering, I'd be glad to do it.

My son gambles steals from our pockets has ran my phone bill up.online gambling has stolen money from his brothers bank and his room has sold things we have bought him every time we find out about something he says he won't do it again but he does he has lost jobs because of his stealing and I try to get him to get help but he never does anything about it he's my son and I love him but don't trust him and he puts everyone else in the house on edge we have to hide our money etc but he still finds ways what can i do x