A chance meeting on-line - now I have a problem

[naicesex]

Really need to plunder the wisdom of the collective here folks!

In the last week I joined the BDSM website 'fetlife'. (I am a submissive). All good, having fun and learning stuff. On that site I am completely anonymous (and no you guys before you ask - I'm not revealing my handle )

A couple of days ago I accepted a friends' request from a Dom. As I always do, I perused his profile to make sure he wasn't a complete loon. Trouble is, I know him - very well - but I've not seen him since my oldest was born. I would count him as a friend, and an old friend at that. His family are very close to my best friends family - my friend and him grew up knowing each other.

Now what do I do? Do I tell him I know who he is or let sleeping dogs lie? Potentially could cause major embarrassment if I told him and he spilled. I am not 'out' in my normal life - indeed if I was linked to BDSM and that knowledge got into my work environment, I could be sacked. Even my closest friends do not know.. and TBH that is killing me as I love them dearly and I want and need to talk about this. But, I know them very very well and I know they wouldn't understand and I just don't want to be judged.

On the other hand, I also need to talk about this.. and this guy is a decent bloke. It would be good to have a true friend who is in the scene - there are a lot of BS merchants out there.

Over to you MN jury. Please, please do not use this thread as a rant against the lifestyle. What I am doing makes me very happy.

If he's readily identifiable online, then he is 'out' at least to the extent that anyone could (and probably does) know. As you ahven't bpseen him for (presumably) a long time in RL, you don't knw what his life (let alone sex life) is like now.

And although you were friends in the past, how old is your eldest - ie how long ago since contact lapsed?

I think I would leave it be.

Is he single?

You'd risk your job by confiding in someone you haven't seen for years and hoping he would have discretion? That doesn't sound wise in the least.

Its been about 6 years I think - and yes I would agree, he obviously doesn't care about being identified as his avatar is his face.

You're right - I have no idea what he's up to now, although of course you do get some idea of what they're into by seeing their feed.

Which in itself makes me feel bad as I know its him and if he knew it was me he might not be comfortable with me seeing all that.

Minds a bit boggled by it all TBH - fetlife is worldwide and to meet someone who has such a direct link to me within 6 days of joining is soo bizarre!

Well not directly lougle - it would take quite a few steps to get to that point. But ultimately that is why I keep it hidden. However, he is a pretty decent guy. I believe if I asked him to keep quiet he would do. Trouble is, secrets don't stay secrets for long - even with the best will in the world.

Cognito - difficult to say but I believe he is single.

No idea. But I doubt very much he intends to become some kind of listening ear for whoever he tried to befriends. Maybe this is new for him too and developed since you last knew him. Presumably he doesn't know who you are, so is hoping for sex rather than a reunion?
I'd drop him from any link to this.
What on earth does your job have to do with your sex life?

If you don't want your public and private lives intersecting, then block/ignore him.

But do please think of your safety if you're going to meet anonymous strangers on the internet - not only so far as having safe sex (and depending on whatever you're into, look up all the safety precautions for those things) but your safety physically and emotionally. If no one knows you are meeting up with people on the internet, and you go to meet one of these people, and something dreadful happens, you wouldn't want your whereabouts completely unknown

Also: remember the sub is the one in control, and nothing a dom does should ever be outside your consent.

Tread carefully.

Secrecy is the source of your dilemma. If you are truly happy with the lifestyle, why be secret? Why the shame? No need to blab on about details of your sex-life in the work environment... some things are inappropriate no matter what your orientation. Even among friends, yakking on about sex is boring and TMI. But otherwise stop being ashamed, stop creeping about, embrace who you are and all the implications about 'keeping quiet' vanish.

Thanks for your replies but hey steady on there cognito! I'm really quite new to all of this and I am just finding my feet.

Being open isn't an option at the moment, I am a secondary school teacher.

I don't feel any shame about who I am at all but I need to be discrete. But I also need to be able to talk to others like me. Primarily I joined fetlife to talk to other subs not to meet doms. I have one of my own. I won't be meeting up with anyone online though but good to be reminded of internet safety.

Re my friend, perhaps a tad unfair to say that he shouldn't act as a friend. Sure he may be looking for hook ups but the one doesn't preclude the other.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

Damn phone, that should read wouldn't!