is this what being phased out looks like?

[redwinerequired]

I think I'm being phased out. We were very close, lots of text conversations previously. Anything I text is answered politely but never extending the conversation. All my suggestions to meet up have been declined for at least 6 months, have seen her twice in this time for things she's organised. So still being invited to stuff, but she's very cool towards me.

I'm hurt and a bit pissed off. I've been a support for her when she was going through a difficult time, now things are going well for her, which I'm pleased about, it feels like I've been ditched. I've asked if there is a problem, she says no.

So has anyone been through this? Does it sound like I'm being phased out? I have a feeling that eventually she'll want to be close buddies again but I'm not sure how to manage that if she does. I've decided to leave it for now and see how long it takes her to get in touch. Not sure what else to do

Is it good enough for you to only see someone you care about 2 times in 6 months? She obviously doesn't have the same feelings for you that you do for her. Sorry about that.
Find someone who is into you as much. They will want to see you all the time.

Sounds to me like she can't really make up her mind how she feels.. Perhaps she really likes you as a person & respects your qualities but for her there is no real spark although she hopes it will develop.. Or maybe that's the situation I'm in

She could just be scared to let her guard down!

Relationships whether they be with friends or of a love interest are much the same. It's hurtful of course but her actions are telling you not to bother and move on. Whilst I'm being blunt, I have been on the other end of both. Leave it alone.

It does sound like bad news, I'm afraid.

I wouldn't bother trying anymore.

It's so hurtful but there is nothing really you can do.

Having dumped friends and recently, having been on the receiving end of being dumped by a friend, I know I will be so much more careful in future of how I handle these situations.

Meanwhile, ime, asking if there's anything you've done to offend is pointless. She won't ever tell you because that would open up a discussion in order to get things back to as they were previously.

Just assume that she doesn't want to get things back to how they were previously because it will save you a lot of extra misery.

I know how you feel, believe me. It's horrible. The best thing you can do is start finding other friendships.

I was thinking of starting a thread about the same thing (friendship rather than relationship is how I read it but correct me if I'm wrong?) In my case my friend has still been initiating contact frequently and even suggesting meeting up but is never following through, leaving me feeling like a back-up option. She also seems to go through cycles of contacting me loads then backing off completely and being 'busy' for a while.

I find it upsetting plus it pisses me off, but try to think of it in terms of it being her rather than me - I know I'm not the only person she acts like that with and also the only part of it I can control is my reaction. No real solution but I think all you can do is what you're doing, give yourself some space, invest time in other friendships/relationships and if and when she comes back let her back in on your terms

I'd personally not let her back, why? If someone does something so unkind, why on earth would you want to be friends again? These people need to be deleted altogether.

You're not in relationship with this person - the lack of face to face contact demonstrates that. I'd stop contacting her and keep your dignity.

Move on, there will be other women who will want you - she doesn't anymore. Sorry.

pulls up a folding chair and passes the thermos. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2113733-Fair-winds-and-following-seas-my-friend

Was her 'difficult time dp problems and is she now happy wit him again? That could explain her coolness towards you e.g. is she was sounding off about how bad he was to you and now she's embarrassed because she's taken him back?

She has relegated you to 'friendly acquaintance', rather than friend.

It doesn't necessarily mean she doesnt' like you, but that she has other 'friends' that she wants to be closer to/make more time for.

This could be one of those 'moving on with your life' things, we all do it to some extent - when we leave school, university, change jobs, move areas, children change schools etc.

Or it could be that she's just a flake who changes friends all the time, looking for the 'new'.

You haven't said enough about her to know.

If you're ok with just being an acquaintance - seeing her occasionally at bigger events, friendly social chatting when you see her around etc, then just leave it at that.

I say this from experience, someone who I was very friendly with relegated me like this, it was uncomfortable for awhile, but hey ho, she's not rude to me, we can still have an occasional natter, I just save my support and effort for other people. I don't need to make the effort with her now.

But now that I KNOW this about her, regardless of what overtures she makes, she will stay in the 'friendly acquaintance' category. She's burnt the friendship bridge with me.

Exactly HayDayQueen. Wise words.

The worst part is when your ex friend starts relegating you and you don't realise for ages. I felt like a real idiot for not getting it sooner. It was six a shock when I did realise. Eventually. Chump.

It's not nice, is it?

Some people are just crap at having lots of different friends though.

Part of me understands why my old friend moved onto the new group, but it didn't mean she had to stop being friends with me, it would have just taken her a bit more effort. We didn't need to see each other as frequently as we used to (we did an activity together twice a week which we stopped doing for other reasons), but to NEVER see me unless it was in large group events was a bit piss poor.

But - never underestimate the value of friendly acquaintances. We've shared cabs to large group events (with others), I can have lots of lovely social chit chat with her - avoiding being bored at these events - without feeling the teensiest bit of guilt at wandering away to talk to someone I would rather talk to!

Thanks for all the replies. It is horrible and I'm sorry to those who've experienced it before.

You are all quite right, and blunt is fine, I prefer blunt, but it appears I have been relegated to acquaintance. She seems to cycle friends then ditch then bring them back in.

Yes it was problems with her DP, her life had to change and I helped her adjust, can't say anymore as it's too identifiable.

What I will need help with its keeping her at acquaintance level, I'm generally quite open and will help friends out with anything, I suppose I'll just have to say no or be busy! This really is a bit shit

Also We don't have any cross over friends, so unlikely to meet at other functions. she seems to pick people up individually, I wonder if she avoids groups or just picks up individuals from groups so she stays in control? Argh she is in my head and I really need to stop thinking about her.

So she's a flake who latches onto someone who is right for that particular moment in time? Love life - friend a, party animal - friend b, coffee chats - friend C, exciting evenings out - friend D, but only when SHE wants.

Go through your texts and play back your conversations in your mind - what answers did she give to you when you asked to meet up? Just re-use them on her.

Karma.......

Have other things changed in her life? People do move on (a big one being when one friend has her first baby - there just isn't as much time to spare for friends, at least not in the first year) and it's not malicious, it's just that there really is, only, so much time to spare in anyone's life.

Yes there has been a change i left it out deliberately as i think she's using that as a smoke screen so I don't challenge her. It's not first baby tho. Plus she's meeting up with others and she's ok with others, I watched at a recent function we were at. Friendly with others, others said they had been meeting up with her regularly...just me then

I'm in the same boat, it's horrible:(
Met a lovely new friend at playgroup 2 yrs ago when our dds were months old, they became" best friends" and so did we ( or so I thought )
We were inseparable, had loads in common,live 5 mins away and in the last six months she has become distant, is too busy to do anything even though we're both sahms and our girls are in nursery 15hours per week.
Always posting on fb about nights out/playdates with other people and posting stupid crap about "friendships" you know the type of soppy stuff!
I feel for our 2 dds though who never see each other anymore as I do have other good friends, just not with dc the same age. My dd talks about her little friend all the time, nothing happened, no argument, it's very hurtful.
I've told her some very private stuff and feel a bit betrayed and also a bit pathetic for thinking I really knew her, clearly not.

Appeal, she will bin the new friends she's made too. Really. Just keep your distance and observe.

Appeal it is really horrid isn't it. I get the sense of betrayal too.

Yes it really is horrible.
I've got the feeling that she will need me before i need her.
My dd at lovely nursery making friends and very happy.
Her dd is in a different one and my "friend " hates it but doesn't do anything about it, I think that's where it stemmed from tbh, I wanted a better nursery for dd and its not local. Very petty.
I've come to the conclusion that I'm not her friend.