Honest friends

[Gogglepox]

Sigh. My DH and I have been having problems and I have told him that I'm not happy with the way he speaks to me and some anger issues of his that I think ultimately stem from his insecurities despite the fact he is very successful professionally.

Well he has made an effort lately, terrified to lose me and our two small children but this weekend just put us a few steps back.

One night a friend popped by who I hadn't seen in a while and after a few glasses of wine confessed that she and her husband felt my DH made them feel very unwanted and was quite mean to them at gatherings so they have since stayed away.

Then this weekend I planned a small bday picnic for my daughter and my DH barely lifted a finger and criticised the event to our guests (in a joking way but I know he wasn't really). However I thought it was quite fun afternoon.

Cut to tonight when our nanny spoke to me (again) about how she feels the way my DH speaks to me is inappropriate and how I am running around doing everything in the house (I also work FT) while he sits around. She wanted to say something to him but didn't feel it was her place.

Funny thing is he's upset with ME this weekend because he feels I didn't make any time for him but honestly I couldn't even look at him because I was so angry with him.

I guess I'm disappointed that I thought he was trying to change but it's feeing just the same. The wake up call was having two friends talk to me about their concerns for me about DH.

If your friends and your nanny are noticing his behaviour and telling you about it, you can bet that many more people have noticed it.

Perhaps you've forgotten what it's like to be spoken to with respect?

Sometimes we become inured to things that others find appalling.

Would YOU speak to YOU the way he does?

We all sometimes think our friends partners are arses but don't say anything, if friends are speaking up then it must be quite bad and if the nanny felt she needed to say something then I think it must be very bad.

I agree with vagabond that maybe you have gotten so used to it you perhaps don't see how bad it has become

When your friends start staying away it really is a bad sign. You have to expect a certain amount of wastage when you are in a long term relationship as time becomes shorter etc. I would say that others are desperately waving red flags at you. Time to plan for a different future I'm afraid. He's had his chance and blown it. Make your plans, sort yourself out, see a lawyer, copy paperwork. Time to go.

My dh is the same. Considering a trial seperation so he realises what he could loose. It makes you feel shit doesnt it being spoken to like a child and used for his frustrations.

I agree I probably don't see it as much now because it's just "the norm".

But I do notice it more when he is being slightly rude or intrusive with my friends. He did that as well this weekend and when I did confront him in front of her he said "your friend and I are on the same wavelength, and she's not offended right "Friend"? DW, you're just a prude".

But my friend didn't say anything back to him because she didn't want to cause a scene so she just ignored him comment and kept talking.

I am seeing a counsellor about this and can't wait to bounce these doozies off him. He said before that if my DH respected me, he wouldn't speak that way to my friends if he knew it upset me (he knows it does). But this weekend proved he's still doing it.

He is not all bad and does have a very caring and thoughtful side but this other streak to him I'm just not sure I can accept. I sometimes wonder how I have ended up with someone who is so unkind at times.

Would you be more specific?
If the nanny noticed, it is quite worrying what the children might be witnessing too.
You don't want them learning that this is how a woman should be treated by a man...

Maybe he should see a counsellor too? I am not suggesting couple counselling though.

"I sometimes wonder how I have ended up with someone who is so unkind at times."

The world is full of selfish, charming, bullies who like to control their partners with criticism, unkindness and ridicule. If your friends and your nanny are saying to you - out loud - that they think he's an arse, then he must be really bad. Most people would rather keep quiet than interfere in someone else's marriage.

You shouldn't accept his behaviour just because he has a caring and thoughtful side or because you suspect he is insecure. Fight fire with fire... zero tolerance.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What would your reaction be if your counsellor called your DH abusive?.

Abusers can be nice to those in the outside world but he is seemingly not even being able to disguise that now in front of people who know him well. This is not a great atmosphere to be bringing children up in is it?. Consider carefully your own future within this relationship because really there is not one.

I think you have become conditioned over time to accept his behaviour (abusers do enjoy wearing their victims down and such abuse as well is insidious in its onset) and perhaps even erroneously blame your own self for his actions. What if he started on your children in a not too dissimilar manner or just as bad use them as pawns to gang up further on and against you?.

Such men do not change. He cannot maintain a persona who is both nice and kind because at heart he is not either. BTW what are his parents like, he learnt this from somewhere - most likely them. This is deeply rooted within his own psyche; he feels entitled to behave like this and he does this as well because he can.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?.

His dad can be a bit domineering with his mum so I can see where it comes from. My parents were totally different (dad quiet and passive) but they had their own issues!!

He hasn't made an effort. Your friends and nanny have gone so far as to say they notice.

That means soon, your kids will notice, too, and think it's acceptable to treat or be treated like this in a relationship.

They deserve better and so do you.