Feeling a bit meh

[BlueIsTheWarmestColour]

First off I'm a name changer, for obvious reasons.

I've been married for 10yrs, no children. A couple of years ago, I made friends with a guy I met through work (we didn't work together or anything like that). We had the same quirky taste in music, books, films etc. We would email a few times a day, and eventually swapped numbers so would then text. I gave him a USB and he put loads of music on it that he thought I'd be into. I did the same for him with films, and we've always done similar for the past couple of years. DH has known all this and had no problem with it.

We both have busy jobs, lives etc so we probably meet up once a month or so and will watch a movie, have a few beers or grab something to eat. We speak a few times a week by text.

I went through a bit of a hard time with my DH, we received some bad news which hit us both hard. We were both wary of worrying the other so leaned on other people. I leaned on my friend and confided in him. Around the same time I realised I was attracted to him. I didn't want go feel weird etc, and at that point we saw each other mote often through work, so I told him it was no big deal etc but that I was kind of becoming attracted to him (by email!). He said he was flattered but hadn't really looked at me in that way. No weirdness or anything and everything carried on as normal.

A few months later, over Xmas, he went back to his hometown for a couple of weeks and started calling me very late at night but ringing off. This carried on sporadically for a few months until I basically said that it wasn't fair of him to do it. We never spoke any more about it so I don't know why he was doing it etc.

For a while my attraction waned. We met up once a month or so. I took the piss out of his tragic love life. We giggled, had a laugh etc. In the time I've known him he's been single mostly. He's been dating a couple of women but it hasn't worked out. He's never gone into detail and I haven't asked.

We've met up a bit more than normal lately, and I've seen him a few times in the last few weeks. And I just feel drawn to him again. It's hard to explain but I feel a physical pull to him when I'm with him and feel like there's tension there. But obviously there isn't because he isn't attracted to me etc.

I love my husband dearly. But the way I feel about my friend is doing my head in. I don't know what to do to make it go away! No contact isn't an option for me really. I don't meet people I gel so well with and have so much in common with very often, and we are good friends.

Thing is you do know what to do. You need to stop contact and find a way of reconnecting to your husband.

I do understand but the cure is harsh and painful.

I think I've downplayed my relationship with my husband really. Other than the problems we had (v stressful circumstances) temporarily a year ago, there are no problems at all between us. We have a great relationship and are very happy. He's truly my best friend.
It's not a problem for us to be attracted to other people, we have a very laid back relationship in that sense. But this is just doing me in.

You need to look to the issues between you and your husband, put the friend to one side for now. If you carry on then the three of you will end up hurt and you won't have either of them.

What happened with your DH? Traumas can lead to a very odd dynamic in relationships and it takes time to get things back on track. I haven't had the experience of a third person but I do have the experience of a trauma, it's taken my DH and I a while to get through things.

Perhaps you are, on some level, lonely. You disconnected with your DH and instead of trying to address these issues you are running from them. But by posting here you know that you are not doing the right thing.

Once you have tried to address the issues between you and your DH, then think about whether there is a relationship to salvage. If not then be alone for a while, of your friend is someone worth being more than a friend then he'll still be there once you are ready. On the other hand you might realise that your marriage is worth saving, then you need to address the dynamic in your friendship to put a stop to whatever is going on.

Your friend has told you that he's not interested, you should respect that.

One of his parents died, whom I was also close to. It was a difficult time for both of us. He retreated into himself and I didn't know what to.do. I didn't want to burden him further with my own grief, and we both dealt with it individually for a few months and then we came together. Since then things have been great. I see where the distance was at the time, but we've really gone from strength to strength in the year or so since.

I fully respect how my friend feels, which is why I obviously haven't mentioned, and won't do, anything to him.

I just want it to piss off! I want to be able to hang out with my friend again without feeling like I want him to jump my bones!

And surely the dynamic is only this way for me, not my friend. So there probably isn't any tension at all, it's just me. So I don't want to end a friendship on that which I really cherish.

you don't have to end it though, you just need to take a step back from it and concentrate on getting the bond back with your husband. If your friend was a true friend he would understand no contact for a number of months.

You need to break the addiction to your friend and the only way you can do that is no contact.

I doubt you'll listen though, now that you've spoken the words out loud as it were it's just a matter of time before you push things.

Oh no I do see that I need to step back from it. I think seeing him so much lately made me realise that. I don't want it to be a permanent thing, as already said.

Before I push what?

I just don't want to feel like I do now.

Friend has text me a couple of times about a gig. I've not responded yet. I really wanna go to the gig, but it's in a couple of weeks and I don't want to see him so soon. Don't obviously want to tell him my reasons, but also don't want to be a drama queen!!