I'm so upset tonight, it's all going wrong since birth of our baby

[blondebaby111]

We have been together a long long time and before our dd came along we were very happy. We've had our ups and downs ( who doesn't) but we've never ever had rows so bad where we are considering splitting up. We tried for many years for our little girl so when I found out I was pregnant we were so happy.

She is now 6 months old and I love her dearly. I wish I could say the same for dp but I can't. He seems to resent her, moans when she cries and moans at me saying I run to her every whim
And I'm making her spoilt. The last few months I just don't recognise him. He says if he knew how hard being a parent wax he prob wouldn't have bothered. This hurts!!

At times he is perfectly fine, plays with her, laughs with her yet others he is not, mainly when she cries. I feel it's us and then him. He goes upstairs and most of the time I just find him watching stupid videos on his bloody phone, I just want to smash the thing. It's like he's detached at times from us. I do most of the mummy duties, he does help feed dd but at times I wish he'd bath her etc etc. Apart from doing the shopping he doesn't help with housework either.

Tonight we've had another big row, I said can u take dd while I water the garden. After a while she started screaming and he decided to just let her cry . When he finally picked her up she was in a right state to which I them intervened, shouted at dp and held her and she stopped. To which dp has now flipped out, told me he's sick of the sight of us and he just wants to leave! I actually hate him so much now!! This should be such a happy time for us but we are falling apart.

I'm scared he's got make version of p.n.d and don't know what to do!!! Do men change when a baby comes along and does it get better???

Sorry that you are having such a hard time, having a young baby is such a special time so I can understand why you are feeling angry with DP for acting the way he is.
I think it does sound as though he could be depressed. A lot of men (my husband included) go though a bit of a jealous phase when a baby comes along. They feel like the baby has taken their place in their partners affections. However, I think this sounds slightly more than that.
Perhaps he doesn't feel confident with comforting or looking after the baby?

Do you ever get a chance to have some time alone? Maybe go out together and try to talk to him about how he is feeling?
Not very helpful but hope things get better for you

My Dh was exactly the same when our first child was born. Ds1 was a hard baby, but I felt overwhelmed by DH's reaction - he basically hid from it, moaned that he didn't know how hard it was going to be, blamed me for wanting children and basically ruining his life!

I didn't want to break up, even though I hated the sight of him at times. I just continued to stand my ground, but made a point of not nagging, not asking for help etc, and it gradually got better.

I have to be honest, he never did a bath time, changed a dirty nappy, or did bedtime.

He did however find his own way of building a relationship with both children, played cars for literally hours, trains, football etc.

He pulls his weight around the house now, but still hates being nagged.

So, in our case, yes it got much much better, but I just had to lower expectations for a whole.

He sounds like a man who's not confident in his abilities to parent. You could try being reassuring and helping him learn.

Sorry for you, that sounds awful. My dh I thought, was a bit like this with our first baby but not this bad. He's wonderful now but it was a shock to him I think. It was for me too. Also I was extremely protective of the baby & in hindsight kept telling him how to do stuff if he wasn't doing it my way.

I'd be incredibly hurt at best if my dh had ever said that to me, but it's not in his nature to lash out like that or say things he doesn't mean. I know a friend who's husband can say nasty inconsiderate rants when he loses his temper. He's generally a lovely guy though. If you think he's worth it & he needs to talk to someone, ask him to do so as you need to be making your relationship stronger than ever right now, otherwise prepare for separate lives. Good luck

Have you asked him what his exact problems are?
[Be careful when you ask him, ie not when he is all ready grumpy etc]

Does he have any friends who are Dads? My DH found the baby stage really hard and only started to enjoy parenting when our eldest was about a year. He loved her dearly but found it all a huge slog.

What helped immensely was talking to a friend with older kids who confided that he found babies really dull and frustrating but that DH had lots to look forward to when they "grow up and get fun".

There is also a lot of pressure with your first DC to enjoy every minute of this precious time and it can feel hard if you're not loving it to admit that without feeling like a failure as a parent.

Sounds very hard for both of you.

I'm sorry to hear about everything you're going through. I feel sorry for you both actually. I'm not excusing his behaviour and the hurtful things he's said but I'm trying to imagine how it must feel to be trying and trying to comfort your child when you know that it won't work - only mum will do. We've just hit a year with DS and i have felt a massive shift in the last few months, more equality, dp more able to soothe, parenting less about my body, getting independence back etc. But it does sound like things have reached a point where you need to address the issues rather than just counting on them to get better - or the damage could be lasting, things like him saying he wants to leave hurt and can't be unsaid. Could you get counselling? Relate?

He has said sorry and given dd a kiss before she went to sleep. I read all your replies and rather than get cross with him i will try to support him. I have my faults too, im rather quick to fly off the handke at him too if something annoys me. He has admitted tonight that he finds it gard to pkease her, ill just give him more support abd see how we go, he realky is my soulmate abd i want to baje things work xx

perhaps if he is finding baby difficult then he should do some of the other stuff about the place. if you are doing mmore of the baby work he needs to do some of the other dull stuff like housework, washing up etc. he can not leave you to do both jobs.

Jealousy perhaps? Some men feel jealous when your attentions are focused elsewhere, and with a young baby your attention is rather focused quite a lot of the time. It does get easier as they get older (the baby not the father).

Will your daughter settle for him when upset? My OH gets annoyed if our little one falls or is tired and wants his mummy for comfort and a cuddle. A lot of it is jealousy I think.

I would suggest you organise to spend a night or two away somewhere and leave Dad and the baby to get on with it and get to know each other properly. If you're not there to leap in because you think he's doing it wrong, it might help them bond.

I don't think that there's a male equivalent of post natal depression. However, I think he needs to realise that no-one has a baby and then magically knows how to deal with them when they are screaming, or suddenly has some kind of epiphany the moment they cross the threshold which suddenly imparts upon them the knowledge of how to change a nappy properly.

To me it sounds like:

1. Most importantly, he is being a massive shithead and needs to realise that isn't helping anybody
2. EVERYBODY has to learn how to look after a baby. The fact he doesn't know what to do isn't shameful, nor does it make him a bad father. His attitude is though...
3. The only way people learn how to do these things is through exposure.

Maybe it would help if you could say to him one day that you feel like you are struggling, and you still aren't sure what the baby needs sometimes. Suggest that you guys go on some kind of "parenting for beginners" course, and you would really value him coming with you. That way if one of you forgets/misses something, the other person might have remembered.

That's basically a way of trying to get him to learn more about parenting through exposure, without hurting his ego.

I second the suggestion that you ask some friends with kids to maybe have a casual chat with him about it (male friends preferably) and ask how he's doing. They can say things like "oh yea and figuring out how to change those first few nappies - that was hilarious. The first five fell off as soon as I held the baby up" OR WHATEVER. Basically just so he knows he isn't the one person who has struggled when presented with a child.

We had a similar experience when ds was first around, it wasn't as extreme as yours but basically resulted in me telling dh that it wasn't about him, his ego, or his fear of not being able to help or soothe ds, it was about our son, us working together as parents and both of us giving him what he needs (whether that be me, dh, cuddles, bf, whatever). Provision for his needs outweighed feeling sorry for yourself / taking turns etc.

I think it is hard on dads, but I'd be fuming if dh took it out on me when we're both just trying to do our best.

Oh and the cry it out too... Dh started down that route once, told him we needed to make parenting decisions together (we'd not discussed, he'd just done it). Not sure men think about the communication side much

"I read all your replies and rather than get cross with him i will try to support him." What about him supporting you blondebaby? Why are you making all the effort and he gets to behave like a lazy spoilt child? He's a grown-up, he's a parent and he has equal responsibility for the housework.

The fact that he complains about you prioritizing to your DD's needs shows he isn't. And as for him complaining about how hard parenting is - he isn't doing any of it. How the hell would he know?

He needs to pull his weight.

I am despondent at all the posts excusing his behavior. It is shitty and you and your daughter shouldn't have to put up with it.

I am not sure I am with Cogito exactly, especially if he just leaves your DD to cry without comforting her, but you do need to have a conversation about him taking responsibility, being a parent and supporting you and your DD. And he definitely needs to really see how hard parenting is.

He makes me so angry on your behalf.

I am a little despairing at the replies too. Yes, having a baby is hard, yes it's a shock to the system, but guess what, when you're a parent you don't have the luxury of taking your time to get used to it. The op will have been expected to get on with it from day 1, no matter how hard it was. Why should her husband be any different. Because he's a man?

He absolutely needs to get on with it, pull his weight and support you. He can't just choose not to be a parent in between providing the sperm and taking the kids to play in the park. Yes, sometimes it's crap, and thankless and exhausting, but it's as much his responsibility as yours and he needs to step up.

I think a serious talk is in order.