Be careful what you wish for

[siblingrevelryagain]

When I had three children under 5 I used to dream of just an hour or two without them to either blitz the house or put my feet up. Now I'm spending another weekend day alone as my three children are with their Dad (we've recently separated following his affair, not sure if there's a future for us at the moment).

I'm rattling around the house not knowing what to do with myself. I have no single friends, and as much as they'd all be there for me I don't want to intrude on my family & friends' precious weekends together.

If reminds me of when the babies' were little-everyone visits and thinks taking the baby off you is a help, when really you want someone else to do the washing whilst you get to cuddle! I want my children taking off me during the witching hour, or when I'm trying to apply sun cream to wriggling bodies before school, not on a weekend when we should be having fun.

Please tell me it gets easier.

If you've only recently separated, yes it will get better. You'll probably need to make a little effort to find things to keep you amused at first but you'll get into new routines - as will they - and you'll all have stuff to talk about when you get back together. Have you agreed with your ex any mid-week contact or is it always weekends?

Yes it gets better, but it takes some getting used to.

I found going for a walk, run, swim, bike ride when they headed off was helpful, so that I could breathe.

Yes it does get better! I've been divorced from my ex for 8 years now. My boys were 3 & 5 when we split. I used to cry and feel so alone when they went with their dad for the night.

But gradually you begin to get used to it and find things to do, and now, all these years later I'm pushing them out of the door and looking forward to me time and I need that time after spending a week being both mum and dad Mon-Fri!!

I have a few single friends but even my attached friends come out. Everyone loves a girly cinema night! Ask them, you may be surprised that they are desperate to get out of the house for a couple of hours.

Do and exercise class, join a walking group! Get a DVD, wine and chocolate and set aside a night for yourself!

It does get easier although I do find a whole Sunday on my own tough. But I plan ahead and fill the time with friends or work so I know I won't be on my own or not the whole time at least. Or I come on here and lurk! Haha

Oh my goodness! It does get easier, but you have to work at it.

My life is so full now. If I have a day to myself during my child free weekends I really relish it.

Don't look at it as the unfair time your ex has the children when you should be together having fun and doing family stuff. Instead, think of it as your time. Time to be you, to pursue hobbies and interests, make new friends, have new experiences... to rediscover the person you were before you were 'Mummy'.

Find an indoor skiing place and book yourself in for a days snowboarding tuition. Or discover an interest in classical music and find concerts to go to on your own. Go to the gym and get your hair done. Whatever floats your boat really!

I have a few friends who have admitted that they talked about me when my exH and I seperated and expressed great sympathy for me; were so relieved it hadn't happened to them, but were so sorry it had happened to me...

6 months later, they stopped expressing sympathy.

Another 6 months later and they admitted to secretly feeling a little jealous of my new found fun and freedom.

I love my children dearly, don't get me wrong, but I love the weekends I get to be Me.

Reading with interest/ misery.
I have Sunday to Tuesday without my 3 and have never felt so low. It's shit. I spend some times mid week when it's hellish hard doing tea, play, bath, bed, homework on my own and losing my temper every 5 mins and wishing I was on my own after a day at work= massive guilt. Then when I am on my own I miss them every minute and want to sleep the time away til I get them back.

From the other side I have done the parenthood thing 24/7 for 11 years. ..
I would love some child free time. But thats my unhappiness. I acknowledge you must feel lost!
Are there any hobbies you loved but haven't had time to do? Hill walking I really miss and plan to join a group ( in about 4 years! Gah)

At the moment it's very early days and the arrangements are ad-hoc, so it would be hard to commit to the same time/date. Also, as it tends to be a Sunday he has them on, most things are closed.

I want to lose weight, so I could go swimming I guess.

Today I'm feeling particularly low, as I was surrounded by neighbours all having parties in their gardens. And when my DH dropped the children off I had hoped we would get chance to talk but he left sharpish so I think I finally have to accept we're not getting back together

Hi Sibling, my sister has been separated from her husband for 3 years now and at the beginning she really and opening struggled with the weekends that she didnt have the children. She coped by booking cheap money off experiences e.g would go canoeing or roller blading to pass the time doing things that she couldnt or wouldnt do with the children. It helped her as she wasnt with lots of people with their families and could save the bike rides or country park visits for when it was her weekend. She was honest and said she cried a lot or came to spend time with us but she is in a much better place now. In fact she has just come back from a festival weekend.

OP My ex started off having the children Saturday-Sunday. He'd pick them up about midday and then bring them back about midday on Sunday.

It wasn't a huge amount of time, and didn't give me much time to do anything else, but over the months it increased and now, 18 months later, he has them from Friday night (does after school pick up) and brings them home around 6pm on a Sunday alternate weekends. It makes a big difference.

But yes, in the meantime you could go swimming, or download the couch to 5k podcasts.

I started to write new budgets for the new 'regime' and menu plan for the three of us, get the house organised and plan what I was going to do with my new life.

I found the joy in it. It wasn't immediately apparent at the beginning... But you will get there.

A lot of how well you manage/cope with it all is down to your own mental attitude towards it. If you let it consume you, it will. If you refuse to let it, it won't. It can't.

I am only 6 months in. 3 months ago I wept and slept. Now I miss them but relish me time. After a suggestion on here I do something for their return like bake a cake or prepare their fave meal (this means cooking time and shopping time), I do my best to organise a social thing or 6,or at least plan a thing to watch etc. Sitting in the garden I read and enjoy the peace and think on how next weekend it will be my turn, i have gone back to an old hobby and have a rule of saying 'yes' to all social invites. It does get better, much better... I promise.

Thank you x

I've gone full circle - started off crying and thinking how unfair it was that my ex got to spend the 'fun time' with them, without having to do the donkey work all week.

Then I started relishing the time to myself. planning nights out or dates, ordering takeaways just for myself and having a lazy night in front of the TV.

When I met new DP we started co-ordinating our nights off (his were more flexible) so that we got a night together once a week with no DCs. We planned a few longer breaks (he always felt really guilty leaving his DCs, but I must admit I was ready for a break after 10+ years of parenting almost single-handedly anyway).

Now that we've had a couple of years of that, suddenly the time off doesn't seem quite so precious and I will sometimes arrange for the DCs to come home a bit earlier to do something specific with us.

My feelings on it are a bit fluid, I definitely look forward to a bit of peace, the odd lie-in and the chance to be pleased to see them because I've missed them. But I don't feel that need to make the most of it or be constantly busy when they aren't here anymore.

I think part of the problem is that I didn't choose any of this-weekends were to have been family time, so I'm missing my husband and being a family aswell as the physical pain of not having the children. So hearing other families being together reminds me of what I've lost.

Until yesterday I thought we may have been able to work through things (my mom was in place to have the three children next weekend so we could go away to talk), but the way he treated me yesterday tells me firmly that he's a selfish person and doesn't want to do what it takes to get us back together. I feel distraught, so taking the kids away just adds to the pain. I'm sure in a few months I'll be swanning around enjoying my time off, but right now every option seems rubbish as I would be doing it on my own

OP I can understand why you are upset and hurt as you are clearly not over the relationship, and I do really feel for you.

What is telling in your posts though is that you don't seem to see the value of doing stuff on your own? I love going to the cinema, museums, anywhere really, on my own. I even had a weeks holiday abroad last year totally on my own and it was marvellous.

If you think you would find it difficult, start small by just going for a coffee alone. Take a book if it makes you feel better. Then build up gradually.

Once you get out and about you will be surprised how many people are having a lovely time on their own and you won't want a man coming along and buggering all that up

Good Luck!