Have got myself into a mess

[Pleasehelpmeagain]

I have been suffering from stress and anxiety for about 6 months and am on low anti depressants. My initial stress was work related and the ADs did begin to help.

However I now realise that my issues are far more deep seated from various things that have happened when I was young - father walking out, brother committing suicide, etc. I realise now that my self esteem is rock bottom and although outwardly I appear very successful and seem to have it all I am so not like that on the inside.

I have been with my DH for over 20 years and we have one DS who I adore. Our relationship has been far from perfect for many many years. We virtually live separate lives and haven't had sex in well over ten years.

Just as I was beginning to feel a little better after starting the ADs I met someone at work who began to pay me some interest and compliments. Things have progressed and we have had sex twice now. I like him both physically and intellectually. However this is leaving me feeling all over the place. I don't seem to feel guilty I just feel extremely anxious about how the OM feels. I don't know how he sees this - is it just a fling and bit of fun for him? Am I just attracted to him because he has paid me compliments and attention? I don't know what to do or what to say. This is so not typical of my behaviour or the sort of person I am. I can't concentrate or work. I just feel a mess.

I have tried to be honest and not to drip feed. I just need to pull myself together and need some honest advice about what to do.

Regardless of whether you continue the relationship with OM you must end the one you are in with your DH.
You have been together 20 years and you need to be honest with him and yourself.
For me the instant you cheat you are no longer thinking about your DH/DW/DP so you have already ended that relationship.

I never see any justification for affairs OP. I also find it sad that at no point in your OP do you once consider your DH's feelings.
End your marriage and allow both of you to move on and be happy.

I was in exactly the same situation. Except I wss with my partner for 10 years bu our sex life went down the tube and it felt awkward when we did have sex, basically we lived like best friends. I was bored and frustrated. An old mutual friend moved to the UK and stayed with us. We had huge amount of chemistry between us and basically I felt what I hadn't felt in years!

I didn't want to have an affair so I broke up with my partner and he moved out and the new guy stayed. Its completely ruined me financially as he lost his job and has mental issues which means he can't work even though he has a profession. I lost all my friends. I also was going through a mental breakdowns myself so wasn't able to think things through properly or even know what I was doing hence my rash decisions. The new guy and I are still together, its been 1.5 years now and we still have huge chemistry.

Here's the bad part - I deeply regret breaking up with my solid and loyal partner, we are still friends but I cry thinking about what I lost as he was in a good job and mentally sound. My finances are in a mess now and ive had to put off having a family as my DP needs constant help as he jyst cannot cope with life at all. I've basically now dedicated myself to helping him and trying to get him right again. I followed the chemistry instead of my brain and now I have to live with that decision. The motto is think really carefully of what you can lose when making such a big choice. If I knew the outcome I would've tried to work on the relationship with my ex more instead of seeking self gratification. Sorry this is so long but its something deeply emotional for me which is why I felt compelled to answer.

whatamess

OP I don't have any advice really. You need to finish your marriage, you sound so unhappy.

Thank you for your honest replies. I can't believe I am in this situation because it is so unlike me to behave like this and not do the 'right' thing. I know I need to sort out things with my DH.

I haven't had any conversations with OM about the future or what this is about. I don't want to frighten him off by being heavy but neither do I want to throw away something I could work on. I know this makes me sound like a bitch.

I am unhappy. Very unhappy and can't go on like this.

Do you have a counsellor who can help you to come to terms with all the underlying issues you have identified? Your affair could be a distraction from facing your other issues. It doesn't really matter what the OM wants. You're fixating on his needs so you don't have to make any decisions about your own behaviour and/or needs. Ideally you should take him out of the equation altogether by ending your affair.

You say the affair is out of character yet on the other hand, you don't know who are you at the moment. You're going through a time of transition trying to marry together your outward persona and inner turmoil.

Usually I'd agree with Dotty that you should end your relationship with your DH as you have effectively done so by cheating. The only reason I'm hesitating to give that advice is that you don't sound in a place to make any major decisions.

I don't view ending it with the OM as a major decision but a necessary one to give you the space to start to heal.

It's a horrible situation to find yourself in, but you have to do something about it unless you want to cause a great deal of pain for a lot of people.

Either end your marriage and see what happens with the other man or break off the affair and work on your marriage. Personally, I'd go with the third option of ending both and concentrating on yourself and your health until you're well enough to make sound decisions. Already, you're sounding like you're starting to revolve around the other man and what he's thinking.

In your shoes I think the best thing would be to:

1. End the fling. If you're anxious about how he feels, I'm guessing he isn't clear about what he wants. Doesn't sound like the basis for a fulfilling relationship.

1. End your marriage. Is your DH not bothered about not having had sex for 10 years, assuming he hasn't also strayed?

1. Go into therapy to deal with all the unresolved traumas you have experienced. It's highly likely they are playing a sizeable part in your adult relationships.

1. Have some compassion for yourself. You sound so desperately distressed. Treat yourself with kindness.

Sorry if I sound unsympathetic but as some one who had an unfaithful partner which nearly destroyed me I find it hard to sympathise with your situation.

You are unhappy but only you can change that. You say you were unhappy before the affair and by the sounds of it the affair isn't making you happy either so YOU need to make some changes in your life.

I would try and do everything to get well before you make any huge decisions over which man to be with/ live with etc. I would back off from OM, concentrate on looking after yourself and when you are feeling much stronger, perhaps with meds or counselling then you can try to find a way forward in your life. Don't try and take on too much at once or else it becomes overwhelming.

Ok so you don't land up in the mess I did I would recommend the following:

1. Make sure that you can afford to live by yourself and cover all bills - I obviously don't know your financial situation. But make sure you can afford this with your own salary and take into account any of the bills your current partner pays as when he moves out you would need to cover them.

1. Picture yourself single, this is to ensure you will be comfortable and happy incase the new guyvdoesnt work out.

1. Pretend you have already broken up with your current partner, what emotional feelings do you feel? Would you miss him? I realised I was in love with my ex when he was no longer mine and feel extremely sad when he goes on dates.

1. Would you be able to cope with your child care and support?

If you are comfortable with all the above then make the move but bear in mind the new guy is a challenge as he isn't yours yet and chasing is attractive. Picture him being yours, does he still seem attractive to you once the honeymoon period is over?

Thank you one and all. You have given me lots to think about and decide. I don't feel in a good place to make decisions but can not carry on like this, it is making me ill.

Oh dear. You're in a bit of a pickle! Can I ask, is it fluoxetine you are taking?

No it's Citalopram

Pleasehelpmeagain, you really sound very sad and I think its understandable that you want to see where this new relationship might take you. After 10 years of no intimacy, your marriage is effectively over.

I could have written your post, I contemplated doing so today. I have been with DP for 15 years, 9 of which have been just really existing as friends and parenting the DC. I met OM over 6 months ago. They know about each other. OM is constantly testing me to see if I care, I do, I love him but..its become very complicated and I feel sad.

My advice would be, ask the OM, do it now and be honest with him from the outset about what you want. Do you want a relationship with him? or just sex? Then deal with your marriage, end it if that's what you want, not to be with OM but for yourself. Don't confuse things, don't promise anything to OM that you then can't deliver, don't play games (I have) and most of all be true to yourself, I would say follow your heart, life is too short.

Thank you Mini. Your post made me cry which isn't hard these days. It is coming to the point that I need to know from OM man how he sees things. I don't want to play games and hate that I am being dishonest with everyone, including myself. I hope I can be strong enough to sort it all out.

To be honest, I don't think you're in a fit state to be making life-changing decisions right now. I'd be tempted to call it a day with the OM before you really get in too deep and concentrate on getting well before you decide to turn your family's lives upside down.

You have issues to resolve over and above the ones where your marriage is concerned and I don't think it's fair to have him entangled in all that.

I hated the dishonesty which is why they know about each other, I told both, because I can't lie. The mistake I have made is in thinking that all I wanted was fun and a bit of affection from OM. I say thinking...because I thought wrong. I need more than that to be happy. No one here knows if they are on their arse of the elbow, and that's my fault and the net result is...I am sad and miss OM constantly. He doesn't even know this, because I'm too proud to risk being hurt, and too stubborn to allow this to hurt my DC.

I won't bore on about me, but I wanted to illustrate to you, that you need to be honest, not to appease your guilt, but for everyone's sake not least your own. Be honest with yourself, does this OM represent your future, or is he just a bit part that has strolled in to remind you that there is more to life... so get out and start living, or do you see yourself just having fun to make your marriage more bearable?

As regards depression, I am a firm believer that life makes people depressed, well in most cases its psychological rather than physiological in cause. Maybe many of us are not living the life we wanted or deserve. I think talking therapies are so valuable in helping people to discover what it is they need to change, how to develop and heal, so maybe talk to your GP and see if he can refer you for counselling.

Sorry if I sound unsympathetic but as some one who had an unfaithful partner which nearly destroyed me I find it hard to sympathise with your situation.

I agree with this. It has also happened to me. I'm sorry but there is no excuse for an affair.

Please be fair to your husband and finish one relationship before starting another.

Is the OM also married?

As harsh as it may seem your actions will turn peoples lives upside down so you need to be sure of what you want.

Thank you everyone for your advice and thoughts. I need to make some decisions and get things sorted as I know that I am being unfair to everyone. I am seeing a counsellor this week and am hoping that will help me to clarify my thoughts.

I know that there is no excuse for my behaviour and I really don't know how I have ended up in this position and mess. I am being incredibly selfish but also hurting and damaging myself as well.