advice on what to tell DC about DH

[turnaroundbrighteyes]

Okay so DH has had addiction problems since childhood. Most of our relationship he has "just" been addicted to Methadone, would have preferred he wasn't, but didn't realise how big a deal it was to start with.

For the last 5 years he's been asking for residential detox to get off methadone, orignally being denied it as he was "too low risk". Then they decided he that as he had reduced down to a low dose of methadone he had to come off it, he said he couldn't, they said tough, he relapsed big style :-(

He's now sorted himself out, passing tests (apart from Methadone) and focusing on his family - DC's young enough to be unaware and always his priority to keep his problems away from home. So at his worst daddy wasn't around as much ashe should have been.

Finally been offered a place on residential detox for 3-6 months, but what do we tell DC. Want it to be as close to the truth as possible, but it also needs to be something they can understand and repeat without the stigma of people finding out that daddy is an opiate addict.

Want to start preparing them ASAP so he doesn't just dissappear (should have skype) but obvious things like hospital (true) or training course (part of rehab) just seem unbelievable for so long.

Really appreciate any advice. Thanks

It's difficult to advise what might be appropriate without knowing how old the children are.

I'd be tempted to go along the lines of Daddy being unwell and needing help to get better. Something as close to the truth as possible without burdening them with information they can't understand properly.

What about that dad isn't very well and that for most people when you aren't well you take medicine to feel better... But for dad the medicine actually makes him feel worse, so he has to go to a special hospital and be helped in a different way...? You could add that because they can't use the medicines other people have when they're ill it will take longer and therefore he will have to stay there for a while. It's a simplistic version of the truth I think.

My dad had a nervous breakdown when I was 6/7 and one thing I'm very grateful for is that no one lied to me about it. I wasn't given all the gory details but it was explained in an appropriate way and I wasn't confused.

Thanks both, we're mainly talking about our 4 year old. She's not aware that he takes methadone every day, always been very careful about that as, assuming he sorts himself out, we've both felt that she's young enough for there to be no reason for her to ever know anything about it until teens when it would be his decision whether to talk about it as part of anti drugs message.

Other problem is she will repeat whatever we tell her to friends and pretty much anyone she comes across and we don't want her to meet with prejudice if anyone figures out that he has a drug problem...

He does have other health problems, some linked, some not so I guess Daddy's not well and going away to get the health he needs is going to be the way to go, just worried about it all blowing up...

help, not health, sorry

I would honestly just say that their Dad is poorly and is going away to be treated, and that their cards and pictures will really cheer him up x

Oh dear, think this thread has made me realise that whilst I am genuinely concerned about what to tell the DC and how they'll cope I'm actually more worried about how to deal with the rest of the world and how it could blow up on our family and the prejudice they'll face if the truth comes out.

DC will of course be devastated that he's not there day to day, softened by age appropriate explanation and skype contact, but I (hope I) can get through that because I know that it would be far more damaging to them for us to carry on as we are and him to relapse again when they are older.

somedizzy - any advice on softening the day to day for her?

OP: I know a father who went to prison for two years when his DS was 4 years old.
He was told that Daddy was working away for a while.
He visited him quite often and saw where Daddy worked and was quite accepting of the situation.
The father rang every week to speak to him. He also wrote letters to the DS.

Does your DP go to work?
Could he be working away for a few months?

I also know someone whose life has completely turned round after going into rehab for methadone. He's had 20 years of crap after making the wrong decision aged 17.
He know has a decent job, with a small company and life is good.

Good luck to you all.

Presume the detox treatment will include psychological treatment for your dh as well as physical. So, it would follow that they will advise your family on how to support your dh when he comes home.

I'd ask the detox centre what they advise as far as explaining the situation to friends and family. They deal with this sort of thing every day, so should be helpful.

Perhaps give them a call?

When is your dp scheduled to go in for treatment? What will he do about telling his work?

Thanks Paxtecum, good to hear some positives. Working away was something I'd thought of. Would also have the benefit of being able to ask for support for me as everyone would know he was away. Just hoping he'll be back for Christmas. Kind of wanting to keep it as close to the truth as possible though, don't like lying, so confused.

He doesnt work at the moment because of (linked) health issues, but has and the difficulty in him getting and keeping work could add to the credibility of going away to work.

Kind of thinking that even if allowed it would be best not to visit as we will have skype to keep the relationship going and I think my daughter will be okay with that, but if we visit infrequently - very long journey - she wont understand going all that way, seeing him, seeing he's okay and nothing physically stopping him coming home and him not coming back with us. Would break her little heart :-(

Turnaround- for us it really was about honesty being the best policy day to day. I can understand exactly why you're worried about the reaction of others... I was a very indiscreet kid and told everyone that my dad was unwell but I know that I was open about it because a) my mum was and b) it was a way of coping for me. I know drugs is different to mental health problems but there was (and is!) a stigma and we did come against prejudice but remember you've got nothing to be ashamed of... And that your DH is getting help. One of my favourite party tricks was to openly tell people about my dads bad night terrors- he would wake up screaming at his worst, but generally the reaction from adults I told (teachers and parents of friends) was very supportive and kind... Probably because I was so matter of fact. It did mean people had questions for my mum and dad but they too tried to be honest with others and answer questions/ be upfront about his treatment.

Along with the honesty to your DD I'd also explain about how not everyone will be nice about it or care that dad isn't well but that she can talk to you and nan and grandad/auntie Jane/uncle John etc about it whenever she wants and not worry about other peoples reactions. I think it's really important that it's not a secret as secrets are scary for kids and as adults we quickly forget that.

I was a bit older than your DD but I did also have some talking/play therapy and we had family therapy together. My dad had individual therapy/psychotherapy and my parents had couples counselling too (we are REALLY well adjusted now ). That really helped is day to day as a family and I actually looked forward to being able to discuss any worries I had with a specially designated person.

I will say too that 25 years later I'm so grateful to my parents for NOT brushing it all under the carpet. I know that I could have been badly damaged by what happened and I'm not at all. Genetically too I know I'm predisposed to my dads mental health issues and through my parents honesty I've addressed things faster than I might have done had they not been upfront. It was just explained to me as, "dad does sometimes get more worried than other people and you might have that too one day, so if you're ever worried and can't cope with it yourself you must come to us and tell us." This may be an issue for your DD in terms of having possible addictive tendencies so perhaps that should be a consideration within your family too?

Oh and finally my dad is really well now and he has a great relationship with me and my sister (she was just a baby when this all happened so she was pretty oblivious) and his marriage to my mum survived and is really strong. I know you aren't quite in the same situation but I thought it might help to hear that: there's light at the end of the tunnel and you and your DH sound like you're dealing with your problems well.

Earlybird - unfortunately we don't know where he's going yet and I want to start preparing her now. Think she'll take it better if we drip feed, Daddy wants to do x, then doing x would mean going to y place, then daddy will be doing x in y place and we'll be able to talk on the computer, write, etc, then he goes.

He's pretty far through the process, just finished the pre rehab course so could only be 3-4 weeks off. He knows he'll be going to a medical facility for 2 weeks and where that is, then onto the long term place for some cbt and intensive psychological help. No idea where that will be just that there's nowhere close by...

thanks

I'd pre-empt your 4 year old by telling the adults [thinking nursery/school/childminder/any extra curricular activities she does] what's going on first, before they hear her repeat what she's told. It'd be very unwise to try to make her lie and she needs to know a version of the truth, otherwise she is likely to be very very cross with you in years to come when she discovers it, so the best solution is to be up front about it: her dad is unwell, he's going for residential rehabilitation and we're expecting him home in x months.

Just to answer I'd never, ever, make her lie about anything. But I do want to figure out an edited version of the truth to tell her (and everyone else). The only people who will know the full truth are me, him, his mum and the people helping to arrange it so there's no way she will find out later unless we choose to tell her. I'd love to be able to tell the world the full truth with head held high, but I know I cant.

For anyone who thinks that the best thing to tell her (and everyone else) is the full truth, just a few of the experiences that have lead me to conclude it's not in her best interests for his addiction to become public are:-

certain members of my family would not take it well meaning that family get togethers at Christmas, birthdays, etc would would either not be possible or have a big atmosphere.

when we had just got together DH was sharing a flat with a friend who decided to confide in the neighbours that they were on methadone (and nothing else)- result smashed windows and threats of physical violence unless they left and never came back.

When DH was a teenager his mum asked friends and family to help. Uncle responded by protecting his cousins by no longer being involved with their family. Family friend responded by sending adult males round to scare his addiction out of him

When things were at their worst this time around I almost left and sought advice from the local childrens centre to try and arrange supervised contact for him. They offered much needed support for me and free nursery hours for little ones. Instead they provided nothing and came back and said they needed to report to SS as they had concerns about dc's safety, fair enough, but then showed a complete lack of knowledge by stating that he should never be alone with them for a second, for example if I went to the toilet and, my favourite quote, which I have in writing, they are concerned as to "What happens if you were to fall over in the bath and bang your head and there is no one to look after dc's when he's out taking drugs" - hmm so all single parents need reporting to SS incase they have an accident in the home :-S They also were insisting that nursery, health visitor, et al be told about his drug problem and were planning to over ride me to do so - had to make a formal complaint to stop them.

NB at this time SS had been out, done an initial assessment, seen him whilst under the influence, accepted that worst case scenerio would be zoned out or asleep out of the home - she was surprised when he confessed to using a couple of hours previously as she couldnt tell), been confident in me as the parent in charge of dc and in my judgement of when he was capable of looking after dc and when not, that they were happy and thriving, agreed that the fewer people that knew the better, confident in his steps to keep his actions away from the dc and happy that he was a positive influence on the dc and should remain within the family home, case closed.

OP: I fully understand why you want to keep it a secret.
I have no idea why anyone would advice telling a four year old that their dad is a drug addict. I think it would be crazy to tell her and anyone else.

But maybe him being away will affect your DC a lot less than you are imaging.
A friend's DD recently left her 'D'H and took the DCs with her age 6 & 7.
Everyone was extremely worried about how traumatised the DCs would be.
They weren't at all.
They were told in a matter of fact way that they would be living in a different house just with mummy. They were not phased at all.
But of course they do still see their Dad, which is what yours won't be doing.

Presumably you are at home with the DCs and are their main carer.
They will follow your lead on how they deal with it. If you stay upbeat and cheerful they will be fine.

If the Dcs can see that he has health problems, maybe you could say he's gone away to have a rest and get better.

Best wishes to you all.