How do I co-parent with my ea ex who won't talk to me?

[Glabella]

I am totally at my wits end with trying to get my head around this. Our marriage ended 18 months ago, it was very ea with occasional violence/sexual stuff. I've had a tough time putting myself back together but have managed it pretty well, but still find it so hard to deal with my ex. I struggle to be assertive, second guess myself and have no idea what to do for the best. None of the stuff during our marriage was on record so he's likely to get regular contact if he took things to court, he'll swear I am making it all up and will be very convincing. Dd is 2.5, so still too young to tell me what she's been doing.

My problem at the moment is that although he has dd every other weekend and a day in the week, he doesn't talk to me. Usually his mum or dad pick up and drop off, my messages to him are either ignored or replied to with one word answers. Usually I have no idea where dd is, who she is staying with. He works irregular hours so I have no idea if she is even with him or being looked after by his parents. Dd has also mentioned spending time with daddy and 'woman's name' who from a bit of Facebook stalking appears to be a new girlfriend. I am very angry that I wasn't even told about this and had to hear it from my 2 year old. The new girlfriend is considerably younger than him, and I am also worried that he is going to do exactly the same to her as he did to me, and I don't want my daughter in the middle of that.

I'm just not sure what to do, while i know it's reasonable for him to parent how he wants, I'm not sure how we are meant to co parent if there is no communication. I would expect him to let me know about important things in my daughters life, like new partners. He also has no contact with dd between contact, I have asked if he could phone or Skype but he says he doesn't have time. (Grrrr, explodes with fury) I am not allowed to contact dd when she is at his.

Can anyone help me decide what is reasonable here in terms of communication, can I insist on phone calls, or stop contact? It's making me so miserable, I'm just expected to hand dd over to a man I don't trust, and pick her up again with no idea what she has been doing, where she has been etc. Am I being crazy and controlling to expect some communication about our daughter?

I'd say the important things to discuss are education and health matters. Unless you feel your DD is unsafe with someone your ex is hanging about with it's not important for you to have details. Try to detach more. Tbh if you show you are less concerned, he might start telling you more (whether you want to hear it or not).

I agree that you need to detach more. I don't mean to be rude, but it really isnt any of your business if your ex is seeing someone new. He isn't obligated to tell you that - especially if they aren't living together. If their relationship turns abusive, then you can apply for contact to be terminated (to avoid your child havign to see that) or you can agree in court terms about visits being at his parents or whatever.

You don't need to hear from your ex about the exact here and nows of what they are doing. It is only right that you have at least a vague idea of where they are (tonight will be at parents house, this week at my house), in case there is an emergency.

But aside from that, I don't think that he is obligated to tell you anything. You could ask legal advice as to how much information he is required to give you if you are worried.

Ok then, so I guess I am being a bit over involved. I am finding it so hard to make decisions at the moment- there are so many threads where posters are told to keep their kids away from men who are ea/violent (upsetting thread currently in relationships as an example) but I am meant to take a step back and let him parent how he wants, even though I don't trust him. I was advised by my solicitor to keep allowing contact as none of his abuse of me is documented and he would be given contact in court anyway, and I had no money for court.

If you didn't contact him, would your dd still be picked up?
I.e. Is the arrangement fixed or organised weekly?

If it is not fixed I'd be tempted just not to contact him.

If it is fixed, I'd perhaps cancel one of the weekends saying you have something on....and gradually withdraw.
And then as/if he starts contacting to arrange the contact, start laying down some boundaries. E.g. Dd is saying she misses me, I will need to talk to her when she's with you.

It's very hard when your dd is so small, I get that, you don't know what, if any danger she's in. I don't think you are bu to be worried given his history and refusal to communicate.

Based on my experience, the advice about keeping dcs away from men who are EA is very unrealistic, if the father wants contact and is prepared to go to court over it. Fine if the father is willing to let things drift, but if he's determined, the courts will promote contact in all but extreme cases. And it is possible to be a horrible partner but an acceptable father.

You do have to accept very little control over what happens when your dd is with him, unless there is actual harm being caused to her. It may actually be a very good thing that it's the grandparents doing pick-ups/drop-offs - it's important for these to be as low-drama as possible.

If it helps, you could try keeping a contact diary for yourself. If your concerns are justified, it's helpful evidence if it does get to court. If the contact is not so bad, it may help to alleviate somem of your worries.

It's really hard, I've been there (before ex lost interest anyway )

The problem is it would be ideal to keep them away but when he hasn't done anything wrong in the eyes of the law/courts, he is as perfectly entitled to do whatever he wants. She is his daughter and he gets to have a say how she is raised, at least when she is with him, and unless you are concerned he is harming her (in the eyes of the court - so for example things like feeding her only junk food, smacking, bringing a string of new girlfriends in and out of her life, even having her around people who are drunk/on drugs, are all fine )

People get really snippy about it and just expect you to deal with it. You do have to, unfortunately, but I don't think it hurts to acknowledge that this is really, REALLY hard and awful to deal with. This is your baby, and in any other situation, you have 100% control over everything, especially at such a young age. If you don't agree with how a childcare setting operates you can request changes or, ultimately, move your child. You can tell relatives what you do and don't want her to eat. You get to decide who she spends time with. Suddenly, here is someone who you wouldn't trust to look after a turtle AND they are immature and vindictive against you and you have to hand over your baby to them, they don't even have to tell you where they're going and you're supposed to smile and enjoy it.

It is a hard thing to do, and I think a lot of people trot out "Well he's her father, he has the right the same as you do" - it might be true, but they haven't stopped to consider how it might feel if they had to do it. Probably these same people would be livid if a school took their children on a trip and they didn't know where it was, let alone your child's other home.

It does get easier, especially as you come to terms with the lack of control, and as they get older and they start to get more independent anyway. And although it seems scarier and in some ways like this is worse - you're probably thinking that at least when you were together you could oversee what he was like and intervene if necessary - no, that's not the case. It's much better for her to have a split between his behaviour which may not always be great, emotionally healthy or good for her, and your safe, stable, reassuring base of "home".

2.5 isn't so bad as an age to start, at least she can tell you if anything really bad happened, although obviously it's still very young. And in some ways them being able to talk is worse because there are things which are (probably, when you look back in hindsight years later) really not that important. Such a MN cliche, but I used to get really pissed off with my ex for giving DS undiluted fruit shoot and ribena at 14 months old! It is hard losing that control over the way you're bringing up your child and the little things in their life like food, clothes, whether they're around smokers etc. But you just have to do it. It gets easier.

Interesting that BB said 'before he lost interest otherwise'...I was already wondering if your ex might lose interest in time and you will end up with your DD more of the time. I do think they dig their heels in and in time you might well end up with much more of the responsibility for your child.

'Anyway' not 'otherwise'

Great post Bertie, it summarises issues I'm dealing with too.

Yep, this is what I found, if you make it into a big deal between you two, he will see it as a reason to dig heels in and fight about it, to get at you because that is what is fun for them.

With issues such as smoking around children or giving them the wrong food (unless there are allergies or something) or introducing new girlfriends, he's doing it in the first place because he thinks it's fine. You complaining about it is not going to suddenly make him think that it's not fine. Actually he's probably going to think "Hmm, this really annoys Glabella, fun for a rise!" and do it more. Same with any kind of messing around about contact times. Leave it all up to him, you make her available at convenient times and don't go around being all reasonable, because he won't be (obviously if your ex is reasonable, that's a whole different ball game!) Quite often what happens is that the NRP uses contact as a method of control over the RP, he'll suddenly cancel at last minute, make new demands, turn up late, drop her off early with some spurious excuse etc. Never ever rely on the times that he has her as childcare, at least not for anything you can't cancel.

In some ways I am glad that my XP stopped seeing DS, because it's so much easier to live without his drama, and I no longer have to send DS off with someone I don't really trust. But, of course, it's sad for DS that his father is not interested, and before I met DH it meant I was totally on my own with him 24/7 and didn't get a break (unless you can call work a break!). And I expect there will be difficult questions from DS as he gets older. So either way. But I would let it be on his terms, and not try to encourage or discourage anything at all.

Bertie gives great advice.

OP, sadly the best way to ensure that at this age she is mainly with you is to employ a little reverse psychology. Drop her off (or be at the pick up) looking ready to go out, smiling and happy. 'If you call I may not be able to pick up immediately, I'm going out for lunch - but I'll keep checking my phone and will call you back straight away if there's any problem' - dazzling smile. I'd bet you ten to one that that will be the day that 'DD really wants to speak to you'. Want to limit those overnights? Make sure he knows that you go out with the girls - even if you don't, really.

Even if this doesn't have such a direct effect, what it will do is minimise the control he may THINK he has in using contact to wind you up. If he thinks you look forward to your free time and might be off out on the pull , he'll try to control you by cancelling contact, making sure he gets in touch to 'disturb' your nights out, etc. If he thinks you worry and would prefer DD with you, he'll make sure he's uncontactable, will hassle for overnights, will be late returning her etc. Decide which outcome you would prefer, and act accordingly!

I'm not sure I'd go down the route of playing games with him. It seems likely to backfire. Might be worth a try but I'm not sure.

Hi Gabriela, I noticed this post is quite old, I wonder how are you doing now. I disagree with the advice from some of people, you must protect your daughter overall and the court will understand you. Not expensive to apply by yourself and represent yourself without a lawyer. I have done that,was tired of spending money in lawyers who did not understand and went straight to court by myself and they heard me. Now all is good for me. I know how painful the process is when children are involved and wish to help and to gide anyone who needs it.