Seeing ex with OW

[whyme32]

How do I deal with this? This w/e I saw my long term partner with the OW for the first time. It's just so painful I can't bear it and atm feel like the only solution is to move in order to deal with the pain (though it's difficult as we have dcs).

Their relationship is serious and he has started to introduce and hang around with all our once mutual friends together in couples. I literally feel replaced. I can't deal with it. I ignored them obviously and am trying to behave with dignity but it is so hard.

You are doing so well xx It's natural to feel like this especially as it's the other woman. Remember anyone can look happy on the surface but I can bet they are not as happy as they appear. Nobody is xxx perhaps you need something new in your life to help keep you busy? Something to fulfill you so you're not consumed by thoughts of them together xx let yourself feel it though. It's part of a grieving process and it will hurt very much I know xxxxxxx

Wow, well I guess this will be a lesson in who your real friends are.

I'm sure many of them would have made their feelings about his behaviour clear to him, but will judge the OW on the basis of her own personality.

It's really shitty, but also sort of understandable.

Still. What a bunch of fuckers.

Do you have any way in which you can join a sports club or activity or something? I think it would do you good to make new friends who have only known you since you were separated.

I'm sorry for your pain, whyme.

It's difficult when you're geographically in the same area and it's inevitable that you'll run into them. If you have any kind of civil relationship with your ex you could ask him to be sensitive of the timing of frequenting places that you always go to.

It must feel like a complete kick in the guts. Much further down the line it probably won't hurt as much but there's no telling how long or whether you'll ever be completely painfree where they're concerned. I have nothing useful to add to that really but I'm very sorry for you, it's a crap situation. :(

Thanks butterfly. I'm trying to keep occupied but I wasn't prepared to see them. I also want to give her a piece of my mind (he's already had one) but want to look dignified too.

Look fabulous and act like you don't care...that's the way to deal with it.

Exactly what loving freedom said.

Mutual friends? how can they really be your friends if they are welcoming the woman who slept with your husband? I would get some new friends and drift away from that group, they have made their choice.

Personally I would not handle it very well and would have gone up to them, I look very low on women like that and I wouldn't want my child around her either. I think moving sounds like a good idea, fresh start and all that but it depends on if you could do it.

Your mutual friends will hang out with whoever makes the effort to contact them. If you make the effort, then your ex will feel like he is being the one left out.

Mutual friends never like having to make a choice. So generally they will sit back and accept approaches made from either party and tell themselves they are not taking sides. Cowards way out, but it happens so often.

I know the pain you are going through. It hurts but follow loving freedom's advice. And know that if he has done it once to you, he is likely to do it again, to the OW.

It's a really horrible thing to see but its out of the way now isn't it? I don't mean the hurt obviously thats going to take a while to go. We alk dread that first meeting.
Well done on being so dignified. I would have made a right fool of myself.
Recovery starts here now.

Thanks for the support. I'm still so sad about it all, though I knew that it was coming and it wouldn't be long before he'd want to introduce her to our friends (so painful). I wish I had said something now but glad not to have made a scene.

Im sad today too. Have you work tomorrow? I am looking forward to the distraction!

OW can't replace you though, she won't be living the life you had: your memories, your DCs' birth and early childhood. Any input she has if the relationship lasts will be with the DCs through their father, not overshadowing you or negating all that went before.

Tempting as it is to let rip, pick your moment, if you have to. Otherwise why waste your breath.

Ex will be only too keen to push on and move forward. Those friends will be curious and maybe willing to overlook the circumstances of her appearance - so if they have jettisoned you it is another reason to start afresh. You have nothing to prove but OW will have her work cut out to stay beaming, animated, attentive.

This is a proper lesson in real friends.

I lost a lot of our mutual friends when Xh and I split up. He started taking a new woman out with them straight away. I missed out on wedding invites, they went instead. I sent a card and gift to one of the weddings, had no reply back at all. I removed them from my life and moved on. Wasn't easy.

Don't make a scene, no matter how much you want to. you will probably regret it, and there's no point.

I can imagine it is hard for you at the moment. I'm the type of person who does the whole 'Front it out' thing and then go home and scream/cry whatever so this would be my advice to you.

Your friends probably feel awkward about the situation and are probably trying to stay neutral (I have friends who are separated at the moment so our friend group is going through this at the moment and i know thats how we all feel) It will be hard for them too, however she is the OW and always will be and your friends know this, some of the women will probably be quite wary of her for this fact so hopefully they will support you and have a bitch about her to make you feel better

Keep holding your head high.

When you have moved on, and the Old Partner is a distant dead in the water memory, if you make a scene, I know from experience that you will regret it. It is very hard and painful getting dumped but eventually inevitably all feelings for him will fade , because that is life, ( Unless you enjoy suffering ). You may even wonder in the future, what the heck you were doing with such a loser who didn't deserve you anyway. Your mutual friends have not dumped you, they will probably not know what to do for the best. Cry at home out of sight. In public be as calm and cheerful as you can. The best thing is to try and move on yourself ASAP. A lovely new bloke on your arm would boost your confidence, even if they are just a friend. Think of your old relationship as though you have had a lucky escape and now you can look forward to new and better times. I had my heart utterly broken and ground into little pieces and years later I met him accidentally and I thought WHAT was I thinking ? He had turned into a bald, paunchy scruffy loser. Thank God I kept my dignity as I realised he wasn't worth a second thought. You don't die of love, you die from having your legs chopped off. Head up girl! The pain will pass, honestly.

That's some brass neck they've got. Unfortunately, they'll get their just desserts in the end when the cycle repeats itself and one or the other gets a new OW or OM.

Sorry they were twats. No-one will ever be enough for a cheater, nothing could have been done differently by you as it was inevitable.

Just a shame it's not obvious at the outset. They should just say at the very beginning thatmonogamy is boring unless it's brand new.

i can relate to your situation alot and many of the comments

im a right gobby one at times but have NEVER confronted,made a scene when they done exactly what your ex is doing and more

as much as it ripped my heart out 1yr on and im proud that i had total control and respect for myself that i not once gave them what they wanted (making a scene,letting them think i cared etc) especially as im sure they and others expected it,it feels good to totally flumox them

i really feel for you op i really do,by not making a scene let him and her especially him will really throw him i bet and will not understand why your not making a scene

punish him through silence and action

their will be many tears but you will get through it,just wish it was easier

your doing fantastic,hold your head high,thats one thing they will never be able to do

all the best

My exh told me when we split I would have no friends, as the husbands were his friends from school and I was friendly with the wives..... well I am the one that is in contact with his friends! ! They are disgusted be his behaviour , he only contacts the friends when he wants something! I met the latest gf (she wants to meet dd's) yuck !! She was ok to start with but at the end started shouting at me , so I walked away. Looking at my exh and her , it was like looking at a stranger... I actually feel repulsed by him . Don't get me wrong , in the beginning it was heart breaking .. but now a yr on I couldn't give two hoots ! Always be looking good , you never know when you will see them. I always make sure I'm made up and dressed well when I know he is coming to house for kids or when I know she is around. You looking good is a killer for both of them. Head up , you will get through this.

Ugh, I remember that "replaced" feeling so well.

ExH and I split up in 2009. He got a new gf very quickly and suddenly SHE was the one going to his parents for lunch, seeing his friends, etc etc. I literally felt like he'd lifted me out of his life and just dropped in a new version.

The good news is.. These feelings fade VERY QUICKLY. Like, in a few weeks. I know it currently feels like you are going to be sad forever but I PROMISE YOU it disappears really soon.

Remind yourself that yes, she's experiencing all the fun/good stuff with him, but she's getting all the crap too. And you no longer do. Remember every irritating habit of his, every annoying turn of phrase, every mannerism -- SHE bears the brunt of all that now. Not you.

You are free to create a whole new life now. Start! Start now! Don't ever say anything to her, it'll make her laugh at you. Just float away like a swan. Even if you're dying inside, float.

And before you know it, you'll have forgotten that you ever felt this way. I honestly had, till I read this thread. All those bad feelings and emotions have VANISHED COMPLETELY. They will for you too, sooner than you can imagine.