Checklist to actually leave this time...

[MrLockwood]

On about my fourth attempt to leave my financially and emotionally abusive husband. Talked to WA yesterday and plan to follow up tomorrow morning with a search for a hostel place.

What do I need to do to make sure I actually leave this time?

Previously, money worries have led to me talking myself out of leaving. SAHM, no income, my bank account currently in overdraft. I'm scrapping my car tomorrow (no licence yet, so not equally a loss), selling my diamond engagement ring, and ebaying a kindle fire. Don't really have much else of value to sell.

I just really need to make sure I leave this time.

money really isn't an issue. if you get a shelter place they will help you apply for everything. at the very least you'll have the child benefit and child tax credits paid to you. when it comes to moving on and out they will help you find housing and apply for benefits for that and to process a claim for child support from your stbx.

money really isn't an issue and i would focus on reminding yourself of that and that it is just kind of a 'symbol' of your fear and sense of insecurity. money will be fine.

Thanks. I think I just get really hung up on 'stuff', not even for me but for DS. Every time I start to think about we need to take, I think about all his lovely things and everything he has to leave behind and that's the killer.

it really is 'stuff'. he can have a caseful can't he?

you can buy him new 'stuff' when you're settled and in place and whatever money you do have will be yours to control.

Think about what he's gaining - the chance of a stable, happy life in a world of respect and love.

you mention financial abuse and this is kind of the extension of it? that you are being controlled by money and ideas around it's shortage and power. i'm betting you will quickly learn a different relationship to money once out of his control. if money has been used as a weapon that you have no power over it's not surprising you have a lot of anxiety around it.

i'm a single mum of a 7yo boy and whilst we've had times of not having much money it has never been a big problem. even living on the bare minimum is 'enough' and perfectly doable when you are happy and confident that you're providing a stable loving environment for your child.

It took me 5 years to see it through. I would get talked back into being with him with promises of change or I talked myself out of it for silly reasons. Such as, he's just bought me x, it's Xmas, it's a birthday, x/y/z has happened.
In truth is as scared of the alternative. Eventually I was more scared of staying with him. I'm a lot better off now and its only been a few months.
Look forward, it's so scary to do but very worthwhile for you and your DC.

What stuff is it?

Clothes, toys, books, nursery furniture - all the usual baby accoutrements. The real heartbreaker about leaving is thinking of him in some grim, dark little room - damp on the walls, mattress on the floor etc...as opposed to his lovely bedroom here.

Kills me to think he's going to have a childhood just like mine - not enough to eat, electricity meter going with no money to top it up, no play-dates because his single mum is never at the school gates to pick him up, no school trips, always having shoddy old clothes etc. etc. I know people say all that stuff doesn't matter, but I know it mattered to me as a kid. Felt awful being different to all the other kids as we were so poor, and now my son is going to have to go through all of that.

So yeah, fear of all that stuff is stopped me from going. And then when he comes to his dad's house, he'll have all the stuff he doesn't with me and end up thinking I'm a shit mother.

I'm still planning to leave, but very scared about the future.

Your financially abusive STBX will have to support your DS whether you and he are together or not. If he's the sort that talks big about being a father but wriggles out of putting his hand in his pocket when it matters then he's an arsehole. If he's the type that would keep you short for DS but shows off with fancy stuff at Dad's House then he's also an arsehole. If there's one things DCs cotton onto very quickly, it's when they are being bought.

Even if you don't have so much materially, NOTHING beats knowing you are self-sufficient, self-reliant and out of the sticky clutches of a bully.

I hear what you are saying but I think you are imagining a grimmer future than it is.

How old is your DS? Can you pack a few of his favourite things?

Regarding play dates my son doesn't have many. We both work til late. We arrange them on rare days off.

Financially you will be supported and whilst being a single mum on benefits isnt a picnic it is OK.I've been there.

I've seen friends raise children alone on very little too - they have raised good respectful children who are have a good work ethic, value what they have and are a pleasure to be around.

The view of life your DS currently has is one you need to break around from and the younger the better.

Good luck. Keep us posted when you leave xx

mrlock - why on earth would he have to live like that????

i'm a single mum - my ds doesn't sleep on a mattress on the floor, there's no damp on the walls and plenty of electricity thanks.

christ you paint a grim picture and it certainly bears no relation to our life.

Absolutely HoneyBadger. I left my DD's dad before I had her, was on benefits for some time but even then we could afford decent furniture and clothes, electricity and rent a nice home. There is a lot of help out there if you search for it, and it's far easier to find out information these days. Most people I know who live in such circumstances are just not aware of all their entitlements, or have other high expenses or debts they're committed to. WA can help you sort out benefits/tax credit/charity applications and things like Freecycle. Don't be too proud to accept grants and donations, they are given by kind people who are keen to help women in your position and can make a huge difference in being able to spend your limited money on other essentials.