Should I contact my half sister over facebook

[Yorkshire92]

I was born because my dad had an affair with a married woman. He paid my mum child support and over the last 2 years of his life lost touch entirely. He committed suicide when I was 9 years old. I didn't have much to do with him. I don't remember him.

I moved away with my mum and she had an affair with another married man (I have a half brother I was raised with).

Apparently my dad stayed with his wife and she didn't know about me for many years. My dad (and his wife) only have 1 child who is 9 years older (now around 30). I suspect she only found out about me due to the suicide. This was 12 years ago.

She has never been in touch.

I got in touch with my dad's sister (who doesn't have much to do with the rest of the family). She gave me my granny's number and she has declined contact with me.

I found out the half-sister is living with her mum at the moment in her home town (she appears to have been all over before doing academic research) and is unmarried with no kids. She looks just like her mum and they look very close on the photos.

Should I contact her?

Provided you are mentally prepared to accept possible rejection, a very gentle approach could be a possibility.

Yes I agree with TheNewSchmoo. I wouldn't do it via Facebook though. I would send a letter.

I'd say go for it, but don't get your hopes up. Be prepared for rejection and be aware that if that happens, you've not lost anything. I found my half brother and sister through facebook. My sister straight out was a bitch and blamed me for her life, and my brother and I got in touch and enjoyed getting to know each other for a while, but our personalities clashed and I let it fade out. But I have no regrets, I gave it a good go and there are no what ifs.

I'd also say do it over facebook, the message will probably be seen quickly and you'll know one way or the other.

Best of luck.

We wrote a letter to our half sister and gave her our FB details. She told us she is sorry, but has known my Dad's whereabouts for years and doesn't want face to face to contact or any contact with him whatsoever. We did it mainly from curiosity, rather than a burning desire to have a 4th sister.

She added us (me and my two sisters) to FB and we chatted through there for a while. I think she does still talk to my sisters but our chats fizzled as we had nothing in common.

It's nice seeing photos though.

Are you close with your brother/have anyone you feel is a "real" sibling? Be prepared that if you don't and she does, she might not think of you as a half sister. My sisters are who I grew up with. My half sister is simply my dad's daughter. I think she feels the same about us, her sibling is her brother. We're not her family, which is fair enough.

You've nothing to lose if you're not expecting anything.

My advice is this, ask yourself:

1. What am I hoping to gain from contact?
2. How will I feel if s/he wants nothing to do with me?
3. What if this goes pear-shaped and she turns out to be a total weirdo (there was a thread about that on here)

I have several half-siblings. I know they're family, but they're more like distant cousins. They're all older than me but that doesn't mean they are "adults" in terms of how they've dealt with our relationship (especially at our dad's funeral).

I would suggest a letter or FB. Honestly the medium doesn't matter at the end of the day. I think I'd prefer FB because getting a letter to my personal address means you know where I live, that's kinda scary.

I would keep it simple and only about establishing first contact (not about your life story or anything).

Good luck!

Go for it. It may work. It may not. If it doesnt you'll get over it. If it does you'll have the delight of new sibling in your life.

Somewhere on this site Ive told my story of being contacted by 3 sibling all born to different mothers during the course of my parents 14 year marriage. The way it worked out is this I have no contact through choice with one due to her alcoholism which I found too difficult to cope with after about 2 years. I have limited contact with another due to her not being able to cope with what she uncovered when she set out on her quest to discover 'her' past. And last but not least - I now have the most wonderful love and life with an adored brother and his family.

Well you don't know until you try but be prepared for your half-sister to have mixed feelings about you, as your dad's affair may have had a big impact on her family and she might feel disloyal to her mum.

I also think you need to be very honest about why you want contact.

Good luck, though. I hope it works out.

I would probably try.

But an email/letter would've better than fb.

Have someone for support though if it isn't what you expect.

My DS has a half brother I expect he'll contact at some point. I really don't know what to expect.

I've done it and she must check 'other folder'

I said it wasn't my fault whatever went wrong in my message.

She said she agreed it wasn't my fault but contact wouldn't be right for her at the moment for her own personal reasons.

The tone wasn't particularly friendly though and it was formal

Ok. So, you've reached out. She's not ready.

I'd probably respond something along the lines of respecting her feelings and wishing her well. That's you'd welcome contact if she changed her mind.

I think I've caused problems. She was very polite at first and said 'take care' but her grandmother (who told me of her location through the estranged sister I am now friends with) said that she hadn't seen my half-sister for over a year and didn't have a relationship with her.

Turns out that is not true. She has been close to her granny. Now my half-sister appears angry that her grandmother has betrayed her trust and passed on information without telling her. Plus my message made it sound like I had a relationship with her grandmother (I don't). She said she feels hurt that people have gone behind her back. Her kindness turned to anger.

She has snapped and said it is disgusting that they could do this to her mother. She also said her dad (my dad) stole off his wife and wife's father. It was a family secret to protect people. He would have got in trouble with the law for it (he stole off many people managing trusts of money - mainly strangers money as a professional, but also did some work for his wife's family and stole off them). She made a comment that if they wanted to betray her - they didn't deserve protecting.

She sounds very angry with her dad, who let her down pretty badly. She also feels let down by others.

Its not your fault, but you are a reminder of all of that.

You didn't cause these problems - other people have let you both down. Maybe find some common ground in that? You could contact her just to say you are sorry this has caused upset and not your intention.

This is very hard for both of you.

She apologised for speaking to me like that and wished me well. Said that she felt her granny had no right to release information.

She said the truth was that she wasn't interested in me and her loyalties belonged with her mum for giving her a stable upbringing. She also said her dad didn't supposed to be able to have further children, so it's the very last thing she would have expected and it's hard for her.

She apologised for the anger and blocked me.

She was also keen to point out it was her decision and her mum was a nice liberal lady and wouldn't have caused a problem.

Yorkshire, it was the Granny of one of my new siblings who spilled the beans, so to speak, to my sister. More or less a death bed confession. My sister then acted on the information and it resulted in her family being thrown into chaos with the lovely man who brought her up being very badly hurt because of her search. Sadly he died just 10 months later and though they had made peace, not that the poor man was ever angry, my sister has very sad memories of her dads last year alive.

Oh dear. That's sad. My mum has never told me any thing about my dad - not even where he lived.

I know he got into a lot of trouble and committed suicide when I was 9.

My granny (dad's mum) was quite brusk on the phone and said that she didn't want a relationship with me but didn't wish me bad.

I got the info about my half-sister from my dad's sister who has befriended me. The sister doesn't talk to the rest of the family and hadn't seen my granny for 5 years until recently.

My main gist of the messages (before blocking) was that this had caused unhappiness in the past and it belonged in the past

Sorry to hear things haven't ended well, but it doesn't surprise me. My half sister got in touch by email once although I'd never had contact with her or my dad. I chose to ignore it and block rather than pursue any contact. I my dad had treated my mum badly and I didn't feel any connection to that side of my family at all, or any need to learn about it. No ill feelings, but to me they may as well have been strangers. Not everyone makes a big deal out of biological relations, especially if they have a good relationship with non biological family member (like me and my stepdad).

I have absolutely no contact with my birth father, but I do have an absolutely wonderful sep-dad who is all the father a now middle aged woman has ever wanted or needed.

My siblings were not to blame for what went on years ago and I have absolutely no ill thoughts about any of them. Had my mum still been alive she would have been the first one to give all of us her blessings. She was a wonderful woman.

The sins of the father should never be laid upon the child - or words to that effect.

It's sad that it ended this way, but it may not actually be the end. She may be okay in a few more years, she may not.

I don't think it's fair you're being punished for your parent's actions, but sometimes that's the way it goes.

You've tried, you may hear from her again. If not, honestly I doubt you're missing out on much. That's not a slight to her, just that it would never be an "instant-best-friend/sister" situation, they rarely end that way.

Good on you for having the strength to try though.

She looks different. I failed all my exams at school and got pregnant at 17.

She went to Oxford and Cambridge, seems to play a lot of sport.

Looks like an opposite.

Try to put it behind you for now, and don't dwell on how you and her did things differently.

Things will work out for the best in the long run, really.

Thanks :)

I found myself in this situation recently.

What bothered me the most was the fact that I envisaged that I would be married with kids by age 31. Now this might sound self-centred and churlish, but the affair my dad had affected my confidence because he wasn't nice to me and mum in how he went about covering it up. He would not include us in social gatherings and be aggressive and manipulative, hide us away a bit - took it's toll. That said my life wasn't awful.

I too found out due to a death and the half-sister recently contacted me over facebook. I didn't like the fact other family members (I don't know well but well enough) told her I lived with my mum in my hometown. It's temporary. Must say she is the last person I'd want to know that, although if desperate should have found it on the electoral register. I don't like that I live with my mum ekk!

I am not interested in her because I have always precluded the possibility and never expected her to contact. To be honest I'd feel it difficult not to exclude her from much of my life:

(1) I wouldn't want her as a facebook friend seeing photos of my mum - some oldies of my mum's marriage, mum and dad at uni together. That's our private business. Her mum who had the affair could look over her shoulder and go through our personal stuff.

(2) I share many friends with my mum due to being raised almost in an extended family of a school I went to - it's not right hiding a relative away from parts of your life.

(3) Then there is the issue that my dad left me about 5 x more money and she doesn't seem to know. If her shoes, I'd be cross. Yet I don't feel it's my right to tell her

(4) Equally I don't want to know about the specifics of the affair - I accept it happened but getting to know her brings with it detail I could manage without - my dad'd dead in his grave.