I should have known better....

[LeaopardResurfaced]

But can I get back to how things used to be?

When dh and I first met, he was still married. Wasn't with her, blah blah. Usual stuff married men trot out. Even met his parents so thought he must be telling the truth.

So I fell truly and deeply in love. Our relationship has had it's rocky patches but we've made it this far in (7 years and several dc).

However, lately I've been finding things hard. I had to give up work to look after our youngest two as couldn't afford to put them in nursery even for part time work. Eldest started school and middle one is having behavioural issues for which we are seeking help.

Which is where we come to me being stupid. I ran out of money. I've been subbing the family with savings which have now gone - dh stopped paying the mortgage so I took up the slack and reminded him he needed to either transfer me the money or reinstate the dd. He's done neither and mentally I've buried my head. Took money out of his bank to pay bills - previously he's just let me when needed. Then when questioned about it, lied. I don't know what possessed me to not just tell the truth in the first place but once the lie was told, it got harder and harder to put it right.

So now he feels a fool as he pursued it right up the chain. And I've hurt him so badly in a way I didn't think I could do. Our previous issues have always been money.

So I know I'm not whiter than white, and very much in the wrong for lying. But here's the thing. I now discover he's lying to me, by omission anyway. I've had niggles for a while (longer than the money issues) that things aren't quite right. Dh has been closing himself off from the children, hiding in computer games while the children create chaos around him. And now I find out another woman, at his request, has been sending him intimate pictures. They work together. We've socialised together. I'm utterly devastated. Not least because when I asked where we went from here after apologising to him for being so stupid and hurting him so badly, he just said he didn't care. Not that he didn't know. But he didn't care. I'm torn between leaving with the kids and throwing him out. Either way I can't afford the mortgage nor afford another house. I'd have to take us to my parents and hope we'd get rehomed from there.

I think part of this has come about because I feel so lost in my role now. I know I'm a mum. But that's all I'm seen as. I haven't had the energy to throw into my relationship by the time the daily battles have drained me. And consequently have withdrawn from dh, who's done the same and then it's a conscious circle.

Most of all, I never wanted to end up as a single parent. I believe marriage is for ever. Clearly shouldn't have married a divorcee should I.

Oh help!

Anyway, if all this has posted and you've got this far. I don't know what I expect except I just wanted to off load. And I guess I'd better start thinking of our future.

Why did he stop paying the mortgage?

Are you saying you used all the savings without telling him?

I'm confused.

You are not working but have separate finances? How does that work? And why is it ever OK for him to stop paying the mortgage, and not respond when you tell him to do it?

And how, having done all that, is it your fault that he is fucking around with another woman?

He is treating you like a mug, and you are letting him. Why?

Savings were mine. Left over from when I had a full time job. And he did know I was dipping into them. Stupidly he needed a new car and rather than take out finance, muggins here paid for it cash.

My income is now tax credits and child benefit! It works out to almost the same as my old wage minus the childcare we were paying out. So I'm now not earning money only to have to had it (plus a bit more) over to a nursery.

We did used to have a joint account but after issues with money disappearing faster than bills were being paid, we decided all the bills would come out of my bank account and dh would pay an amount into it each month to cover his share. We worked it to a ratio of income. Ie he earned twice my wage so put 2 thirds in to my 1 third contribution. And it's worked well until earlier this year.

The mortgage started going out of dh's account when I changed banks over and the dd got accidentally cancelled by us instead of being transferred over. We didn't realise for a month or two and dh rang to reinstate it, using his account details. It's worked fine until we agreed to take a 1 month payment holiday so dh could get some much needed work done on his car. Turns out it was a S/O he'd set up so he cancelled it for 1 month. But then didn't reinstate it.

I am being taken for a mug. There is no point in trying to come back from this as neither of us will ever trust the other again. I only found out about the other woman by accident, well, I don't think he intended me to find out. I borrowed his iPad while mine was charging and an email popped up. So being as we usually just tell each other we've got text/mail and read it out, I opened it. More bloody fool me. And I've let it sit there and carry on since. I'm paranoid and snooping on him. It's no way to have a marriage.

Sister has been round this evening and I've just cried on her. Am doing the hardest thing every and having that talk tomorrow with dh. Whether we like it or not.