This is going to be a bit lengthy but I'm looking for advice and if anybody has experienced similar etc. I have name changed as it is a sensitive subject and doesn't just involve me.
I have recently been talking about become close with somebody who I absolutely adore and have known for some time, we have not progressed into a real relationship yet though for reasons I will explain. We are good at communicating so we have managed to talk openly about these things.
When we started to considered the idea of "us" we had to look at a pretty obvious fact that to both of us would mean the relationship had an expire date set for in a few years time. I cannot have children and will never be able to. For me this isn't much of an issue, I am at peace with it and will admit I'm not particularly maternal and probably too selfish and impulsive to be a brilliant parent anyway.
With this in mind we both agreed it wouldn't really be very fair to explore further or continue as children for him are a very important part of his future. However...
We have been spending more time together due to me moving closer to his area. He actually said to me that he has his doubts he could have children anyway. He was in a very longterm relationship previously where they had tried for a baby but nothing ever came of it, they were trying for a couple of years I believe. He did not see a doctor at this point (I'm not sure why). Obviously this wasn't really enough to go on but he said he would actually like to know for himself, not just for the possibility it could mean we would be able to start a relationship but because it would alter the future he has imagined for himself as well.
So while talking with another friend they mentioned home male fertility tests while chatting about a different topic and we later in private discussed getting one as a first port of call and if it came out as "low" or similar he would book a gp appointment.
Well we ordered a test with 2 kits in and he has now done the first one. I was there when he did it. It was a horrible feeling because the selfish part of me wants what I want which is the possibility of a relationship with him but even more the part of me that cares for him would actually much rather see him get everything he wants in life and be happy with somebody else. I explained this to him and he said that it was better to just think of it as a matter of fact, he either will be or won't be and what either of us want has no influence over it.
The test came back very low. It uses a colour chart to indicate the reading and it was almost the lowest. He hasn't seemed to react badly with this news but I feel really upset for him.
He has to do the next one in 10 days time. If it is again low he will see a gp to find out what is actually going on.