Am I reading too much into this?

[FlamingGalar]

Just to give you a bit of backstory, dh and I have been separated for a year due to his alcoholism. It's been a roller coaster of a marriage with his drink issues and a year ago he went into rehab for the second time. I and the dc had seen and dealt with enough and I decided on a separation.

It's been amicable and he has remained clean and sober for the year. We have had a lot of counselling as a family and individually (all of us including the dc). I attend alanon meetings and my husband is also in a 12 step programme which he is very committed too.

So, we came to the decision to end the separation and for him to come back and live at home, which we are all very happy about.

However, we had sex for the first time last night and although it was great for me, he didn't orgasm. This has only happened once before and that was when he was drinking again without my knowledge (I think he felt guilty). I'm almost positive he's not drinking now, but I can't help but wonder why a man who supposedly hasn't had sex for a year wouldn't be coming like a bullet out of a gun!

I think it's possible that he was maybe having some casual sex during the separation and perhaps he's feeling guilty about it - or maybe there is a relationship still going on. The truth is that if this is the case I don't think I could forgive him in my heart as we have been working so hard to get our family back on track. My head tells me that I would be unreasonable to get my knickers in too much of a knot as we have been officially separated for the past year, but another part of me would find this behaviour totally unacceptable. We have talked about whether either of us had conducted any sexual relationships during our separation prior to making a decision to get back together. He says he hasn't.

I'm really not sure what to do, as I almost don't want to ask as I may not react well to the answer - but I also don't want to sit on a resentment which may be totally unfounded.

So, am I reading far to much into his failure to orgasm? - I really don't know!

Blimey I totally forgot to namechange - bugger!

I think you have to have the conversation to clear the air and establish where you are starting from and if you are still starting again.

Otherwise you are leaving another unstable issue there, concealed and festering. You need it all out there and decide how you are moving forward.

He might have been nervous? First time after your separation etc.

The thing is there could be any number if reasons why he didn't orgasm, which may have nothing to do with alcohol or cheating. You're reacting to something you don't even know has happened. I think the first step has to be talking to your dh to see what he says. If you can't trust him or his answer, then that will be the reason you decide to live with him or not, not some imaginary/ possible but not definite event you could tie yourself in knots over.

I think, all things being equal, you are reading too much into one instance of him not orgasming. I can understand your concerns though, but would think it indicated you are not ready to fully trust him. And that is no basis to put all of you through trying to rekindle a relationship that is doomed to fail.

Thanks, Lulu, you are absolutely right.

I will have a conversation about it with him. I guess I feel scared that it may unearth yet another issue for us to work through - and if there has been an infidelity, the possibility of another split which will devastate the kids.

I know I'm letting myself run away with this in my head - I need to pull back and work my alanon programme with it.

Dh and the kids aren't around this weekend and we didn't have a chance to talk about it this morning so I'm sat here stewing.

I agree that you need to have a conversation about it: after everything he has put you through you need absolute trust and if that isn't there you can't proceed.

Having said this, it sounds like you have jumped to some conclusions here without any evidence. I can think of numerous totally innocent reasons why he may not have been able orgasm: he may just have felt very anxious.

Take it slowly, proceed at a pace which you feel comfortable with, insist on proper communication and disclosure and listen to your instincts. But don't let paranoia sabotage this. He has come a l

Whoops... He has come a long way to show how much he wants you back, and he does seem genuinely to be committed.

To be totally honest, AF 100% trust will be a long road ahead after 14 years living with an alcoholic - but that lack of trust has always centred around his drinking, not infidelity (if you can separate the two!). However, we are in a much better place and we have built up a lot of trust over the past year - or so I thought.

I guess I have to look at why one isolated incident has sent me off in such a spin. Maybe my expectations of our first shag were too high? After getting to such an unexpected but very welcome reconciliation I suppose I wanted it to have the prefect start at least - I do realise I'm only setting us up for failure by doing that.

Alis, thank you- I did consider that as a possibility too. He can be a nervous person.

BalckDaisies You're right, of course. When we spoke about whether either of us had slept with others in the past year, I did totally trust his answer. He appears to be totally committed to us as a family. For example, he has had the children pretty much every weekend since our split. All his spare time has been devoted to either his recovery or the dc. I need to focus on that rather than one isolated incident.

Thanks new I can see I'm letting the ghosts of the past creep in. It's hard not to considering the hurt this disease has caused our family. However this is what alanon is there for so I'll do some work around my paranoia, thank you.

It amazes me how some days I can see how much progress I've made in recovering from the effects of living with alcoholism, and on other days one little thing can send me down the rabbit hole again.

Thank you all.

Good luck x

Thanks AF x

Having trouble ejaculating is a common side effect of anti depressants so it could be that. You have both been through a lot so it's likely that you are both anxious about things. I wouldn't automatically think he is cheating but totally understand why you are wondering. I hope things work out for you, it was very brave of you to give your marriage another chance.

Thanks Pat. Dh isn't on Ads as far as I know, but can get anxious about things.

Do you have any evidence he has been sleeping with other women while you have been apart? Why do you think that might not have come to an end ?

Or is it a worry in your mind based on having put up with years of him lying about drinking?

I think you've been really brave to take him back and try again and it sounds like he has tried really hard to prove himself. But he has to realise you will have doubts and you will worry about lots of things- that is what living with an alcoholic does to relationships. He has to be prepared to deal with that by talking.

Lulu Luckily dh is open to dialogue - we have regular counselling together which really helps.

No, I have no evidence of cheating - it's all pretty irrational really.

It is the lying about his drinking habits and the fear it may all go wrong again, I suppose. We did have two years of sobriety before a spate of relapses a year ago. We finally had the marriage I had been longing for for two short years and it was crushing when he started drinking again. It also killed the trust we had built up.

Sweetie, this is his very last chance isn't it ?

Without a shadow of a doubt, Anyfucker.

He's a good man who's an absolute fucking knob when he's drinking (understatement of the year). Not violent, but verbally abusive - luckily I don't take it personally. Dh is a good person when he's sober though - not without his issues, but a good person.

His drinking is at the extreme end of the spectrum i.e. cannot function at all when drinking - we are talking numerous bottles of vodka a day. I even found empty bottles of mouthwash under the bed during his last relapse. so yes, his very last chance. He's so ill when he's in active addiction that I fear every time he falls asleep he won't wake up. I also veer from this being a horrific prospect to a relief which is a head fuck in itself.

It's a roller coaster that is impossible to live on long term and remain sane.

Jeeze, I make myself sound like a right martyr don't I! I certainly don't mean too, but writing it all down does help put things into perspective.

It sounds absolutely terrifying

Does he fully accept just how much he has put you all through ? I can't imagine living like this, I really can't.

Yes he does - and after a year away from it all, nor can I AF. However I feel confident enough in dh's recovery to give him a chance.

I do feel positive about the future though and if it does all fuck up I'm now in a position to support my family emotionally and financially at least.

Thanks for your advice and support. x