Do you think we would just be better off apart?

[Laura223939]

DP and I have been together 7 years and have two DC, aged 5 and 2, and another due in the winter.

Our eldest has autism and as a result has horrendous behaviour problems. A bit like that documentary My Violent Child that was on recently. He was expelled from school at the beginning of year 1 and we fought so hard to get him a place in a special school. He has one starting in September, but the year at home with him has been awful.

He has bad sensory problems and so noisy/crowded places are impossible. We haven't been able to take him to a supermarket or into town and most child friendly destinations are impossible, so we have been at home, in the garden or occasionally out to the woods.

DP does all the food shopping on his way home from work, or we do internet shopping.

DS goes to sleep very late as he has sleep problems, so we get no time together. If we chat to each other and DS is not included, he will screech constantly. If our attention is on something else, even the TV, he screeches over it. He is constantly violent towards DP (me as well, but less so) and scratches, kicks, punches, headbutts. He's tried to stab both of us and throws anything he can gets his hands on. He's broken so many things in our home and picks fights with his little brother. He has these meltdowns on a daily basis, usually more than once, and they are usually aimed at DP.

DP works full time so I am here all day every day with the kids. He is also in two bands and has lots of gigs and so we just get no time together at all. When DP is at home he is miserable and I don't blame him. I am too.

Weekends are torturous. DP said yesterday that he hated weekends. DS had a horrendous meltdown last night after dinner and would not stop screeching and hitting. In the end DP locked himself in the bedroom and I did what I usually do when DP isn't here, and got on with tidying the house and letting DS screech himself out of energy.

Suddenly DP came storming out of the bedroom and accused me of ignoring and neglecting the kids and letting DS1 hurt DS2. DS2 hadn't been hurt, he was crying because of all the commotion. DP clearly doesn't have any faith in the way I deal with things. I'm not keen on his methods either, which mainly involve trying to argue DS into submission. But I would never say this to him because I don't want to undermine him. Apparently he has no problem with undermining me.

DP spent the rest of the evening in the bedroom, DS1 calmed down and got ready for bed. He fell asleep eventually. It was very late so we didn't say much and then went to bed. This morning DP was very cold and left hours earlier for his gig than he needed to. He moaned about having to go out and get us something for dinner, although he knows full well that if I took DS into a shop he would screech up on the floor or run out onto the road.

It just feels like all the joy has been sucked out of our lives. DP has to spend so much time out of the house because DS is so horrible and we just have nothing left. He feels like he is so hard done by because DS is more violent towards him, but this is my life 24/7. I have no friends or hobbies or anything out of the house. I do nothing without the children. I know I will get all this back when DS goes to school but I feel so empty, like a husk of my former self.

I feel like I'm shutting up about a lot of things because I don't want to make his life harder and I want our marriage to last because I love him, but after what he said last night, I know he has no intention of doing the same for me. I can literally count on one hand the times that DP has taken the kids out by himself, but I feel as though I am not allowed to do anything that makes my life any easier, such as applying for school transport for DS in September because DP doesn't trust a taxi driver to look after DS properly. Or apply for any respite care from social services because they might think we can't cope.

But we aren't coping.

Do you think it would be a good idea to take the kids to my mum's overnight tonight? She is on holiday until Weds and has said we can use her house while she's away.

If I give DP some space it might help. But then i am thinking that he would never do that for me. And I am worried that this is a slippery slope to the end of our relationship. We don't need to be accusing each other and feeling hard done by individually, we should be facing this together.

Maybe when DS starts school again things will improve. He will be managed by people who see these problems every day and they will help us have a decent home life too.

But maybe it would be easier and simple if DP and I just split and then I could keep things consistent for DS.

I am just at the end of my rope and I don't know what to say. Any thoughts would be much appreciated. Sorry to have waffled.

You need respite care and SS involvement, not splitting up.

Your DP is a fucking hypocrite.

Hiding in the bedroom ignoring and neglecting his kids leaving you to get on with it and then storming out accusing the one dealing with it of what he had just done.

Apply for the school transport plus anything else you need to make your life easier.

Your DP works all day then buggers odd to bands and gigs.

You do nearly all the practical stuff he is a selfish git stopping you getting any help.

If you separate are you going to appky for the support? Do it now. You need it. He isn't there most of the time anyway.

You waffle on lovely

There's a few issues here, first is your son and his issues to be honest whether your dh likes it or not you need help and seeing as he isn't stepping up to the challenge support wise, outside agencies will have to be called, you are not an island.

Then there's his two bands involvement wtf? Wheres your outside hobbies etc, but that speaks for itself really. So I go back to my original point of getting help in and scream until you do.

The last point is your relationship, it looks like he's checking out and blaming you for your sons issues, this isn't fair but neither of you have an outlet for these feelings outside of yourselves.
Granted he goes out but does he talk about how he feels to his mates work colleagues etc.

It might be time you stopped abiding by his rules he has set you because it's harder on you than him, he just walks out and leaves you too it but forbids you from getting help. The facts are your not coping, but a bloody saint wouldn't either, I have been where you are and it's fecking hard with no end in sight, how dare he deny you even the most basic of help from outside seeing as he can't be arsed now anyway.

Lovely it's tits out and shoulders back time, pick up the damn phone and call everyone till someone takes notice, if he doesn't like it then he can fuck off to band practice then can't he?

Sorry op wanted to add

Get on to the autistic society for the uk and see what outside groups and advise they can offer you, there are always clubs support groups and forums you can use or join.

When you feel isolated with no help you sometimes keep it around you as a comfort blanket because you assume it's to hard for people to help you. People are out there you must need to put your head above the parapet.

Autism is such a hard condition to deal with when it is severe. Does your DS get any support for it?
Are there any local support groups who meet up?
I am sure you would be entitled to respite care.
When DS is not having a meltdown- what is he like? Is there any normality in the house where things are calm and happy?
It does sound like your marriage is really under pressure and that you cope with all this better than DH. He needs to accept help from external agencies. They are there to support.
Sorry things are so tough for you.

I think you should certainly apply for the school transport. The transport usually has an escort to deal with any behaviour whilst on its way.

You are a full time carer so I hope you are getting everything you are entitled to in that respect. By being a carer you are entitled to an assessment of your own needs that might of arisen as a consequence of you looking after your son.

Your son would probably benefit from respite as they have things and ways that are totally complimentary to his needs. Social services will not think you aren't coping. That's a stigma that is attached to them.

It is alright for your dh to tell you not to do this and that but you are the one who's trying to hold it all together while he is burying his head in the sand and taking his frustrations out on you. That in itself is massively increasing the pressure on YOU.

And bless you, you're just worried about it all going wrong. Please protect your sanity here because if you go to pot it all collapses. Contact the relevant people on Monday.

And if you do decide to part ways please make sure that your dh has those children over night to give you a rest.

Also check for special needs groups I. Your area.

Your a very strong woman. I can tell that from what you have posted. Stay strong.

"I can literally count on one hand the times that DP has taken the kids out by himself, but I feel as though I am not allowed to do anything that makes my life any easier, such as applying for school transport for DS in September because DP doesn't trust a taxi driver to look after DS properly. Or apply for any respite care from social services because they might think we can't cope".

Has he directly told you not to apply for any of the above?. What on earth is your man on about?. It says an awful lot about him doesn't it?. How dare he do this to you and you have another child on the way.
You are soldiering on but struggling without outside support; you do not have to live like this.

Do you claim DLA for your son; if not that benefit needs to be applied for and now. Talk also to the National Autistic Society.

I would also post on the Special Needs: Childrens forum of this particular website as the posters on there could perhaps advise you further with regards to transport issues and respite care.

life would be easier for your dp if you weren't together that's for sure and maybe that's why he's pushing you like this? don't make the decision for him - if he wants to walk out on his responsibilities (and he's already majorly abdicating them by the sounds of it) then at least he can be man enough to say that and do it rather than try and push you to do it for him so he doesn't even have to admit that's what he is doing.

do what you need to do (re: transport, ss etc) to cope. hiding in his bedroom then shouting at you for not magicking the problem away is beyond not on and if that is the support he offers he has no right on earth to question you seeking support where you can get it.

i really feel for you. you are carrying so much and yet feeling sorry for him and trying to make his life easier. short of actually giving him permission to completely leave you you can't make it any easier than you already do.

Thank you everyone for your kindness, reading your responses had made me cry!

We do get highest rate DLA and all the trimmings for DS, that was one area where the professionals were very helpful. I also get carer's allowance so we are ok financially.

DP thought I was mad when I said I wanted to apply for transport, I have recently learned to drive and he assumed I would just do the school run twice a day even though the school is in a different town. He hadn't even considered how I would manage two school runs in a couple of years when DS2 starts school.

I said I was concerned about having to deal with three kids on a school run when DS1 has no fear of roads, DS2 is a toddler on reins and DS3 will be a babe in arms. He thinks I will get to school, park up, get the pram out, put it all up, strap in the two smallest, walk to the school, drop DS1 off and then do it all in reverse, twice a day. He thinks that is no big deal, but that's only because he will never ever have to do it. He thought I was being selfish doing it for my convenience when we didn't know if DS would cope with the taxi. Which is true, we don't know, and he might hate it, but I thought we might at least give it a try.

I have no idea what he thinks we will do when I am laid up after having DC3. If I have to have a cs I won't even be allowed to drive, will I. For weeks. There is no way he will cut his working day short enough to do two school runs. He's not even planning to take time off as he is self employed.

It sounds awful, but I am so regretting having another baby on the way. I thought it would be something nice to look forward to, we used to love parenthood and instead it's broken us both. My DP used to be so kind and caring and I thought he would do anything for me, but now he just resents having to think of me. He thinks I am so weak and pathetic and doesn't believe that I can possibly be unhappy or depressed when I'm not the one who has to work all week and then be beaten up all weekend.

i'm so sorry. it totally sounds to me as if he wants to run for the hills but can't own that so is pushing you to the limit to do it for him or trying to check out and demonise you to feel 'entitled' to leave. i would ask him outright, "you're acting like you want to destroy this relationship. are you trying to find a way to leave us?" and watch his response.

i'm also going to ask, though no one ever does and god knows what falls on your head if you do ask, would you consider residential care for your son?

I agree with expat. Life sounds a misery for you both. You need help from outside services.

It's time for you to say, 'tough shit, this is what I need to do re school transport etc and if you don't like it then YOU do the school runs!'

It's about time he learnt that although he's struggling, you're not coping and things are able to get a whole heap harder with the baby.

My advice therefore is not to debate, dictate what your needs are whilst you are parenting and try to make him see sense before you give up on the marriage. Also he is being grossly unfair getting so much leisure time whilst you have none. You need to change that, again by dictating not debating.

I'm sorry op to say this, but tough shit to your DP!. Having a child with autism is hard. Things like transport, respite, DLA are thereto help parents. Having them are not saying "we are not coping"!. Your DP really does not help at all, but is the one saying what you can or cannot do!. It also seems that your DS is picking up the vibe from your DP, I think that's why your DS is acting the way he is with your DP.

You sound like a wonderful mummy who is really stressed and needs help. Get everything you can to help and support your family. Perhaps some time apart would be good, maybe even get your DP head from being stuck in the ground. He really needs to get a grip. My STBXH was the same with my DS. Couldn't handle what having children and one with autism was like. Displayed some shocking behaviour, that's why he is now a exh.

I hope it gets better for you soon op.

It sounds like he just doesn't have the mettle to deal with the hand that life has dealt him. He runs off to his bands and blames you, rather than actually engaging with what needs to be done, and understanding how to interact with DS1. (Fancy trying to argue with an autistic child.)

I hope he pulls himself together, but if not, you just need to go ahead to make the choices you know need to be made, regardless.

It can get better. It really really can. DS was horrifically violent at that age, the violence is a symptom of their anxiety, not nastiness

Once DS had the right support, the violence completely stopped, just like someone had flipped a switch, gone. I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't have seen it myself. The problem was the mainstream school he was in, and then a very inexperienced TA in the special school.

It's all gone now. It's still hard work, but the violence has gone.

Apply for transport,

Apply for direct payments.

I'm (sort of) with your DH on not trusting the taxi drivers thing but I'm the one who drives miles a day because of my mistrust, and I only have my DS to think about, you have to make the decision that is best for your entire family, and that includes you.

But the taxi driver isn't just going to be any old bloke from the local taxi rank, is he? It'll be someone your son will get to know over the years and yes, it will be difficult at first but it will always be difficult at first so it might as well be done now.

Frankly, your husband's attitude is appalling. I can see that he would struggle - anyone would - but to deny you (and only you) the chance to make things a bit better by having respite and a taxi is really awful. He helps himself, doesn't he? He has his work and his nights out, which help him stay sane. Nobody else is allowed that, though, are they?

I also think your other children have the right to some time alone with you in a stress free environment. Respite is for them as well. Your younger son needs to go to school quietly and calmly, with you there by his side. Of course if that wasn't possible, then it couldn't be done, but it is possible and your husband is denying your younger son the right to that. It would be lovely for you to be able to take your younger son to school and back, to chat to him about his day - he deserves that time with you.

I would also say that your younger son should be taken out by his dad for a few hours on one weekend day and by you on another, while the remaining parent cares for your elder son.

It sounds so stressful; you really need to do everything you can to reduce that stress for everyone's sake.