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Original poster

moving too fast?

17 replies

Sassy777 · 21/06/2014 07:48

Met a lovely guy a couple of weeks ago and have seen him a few times since. He's quite full on saying how much he misses me and can't wait to see me again. This isn't putting me off btw.

But I was talking to a friend last night and she warned me not to take things too fast in case he changes his mind in a few weeks time and I get hurt. I'm not sure what to think now! Can anyone give me some advice? We get on really well and have lots in common... He's already talked about the future briefly and says he wishes he met me years ago.

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 21/06/2014 07:58

DH and I met when we were 30 and we both knew really quickly that this was 'it', but we took it slowly and got to know each other and gave each other space by not seeing each other every day and not talking about the future for a while.
However, I had a previous relationship that sounds exactly like what you are describing. I tried to tell him that it was too much too soon but he insisted it was how he felt. Exactly what your friend said happened and I was devastated because I had believed him.
I decided to have some time to myself and spent 6+ months not dating at all. Then I met DH.
I would be cautious and protect yourself. It is very early days.

WildBillfemale · 21/06/2014 08:00

Slow right down!

If he brings up the future just say Whoa! it's far too soon to talk about stuff in the future.

Actions Actions, not words are what you need to judge by, it's very easy to throw words out....

wintervixen · 21/06/2014 08:03

It sounds like you're possible holding back and have your guard up, possibly because you've been hurt before, and so not looking to move things at a fast past. It also sounds like he likes you and sees that you're holding back, so coming on stronger and stronger to coax you out of your shell and break down the wall. He's using a sledge hammer to break that wall and you want him to use a chisel. You're holding back in case he leaves and you get hurt as a result, but by holding back, you'll be fullfilling this fear. The key here is communication. Let him know how much you like him, but why and that you want to take things slow. It will calm him down, whilst simultainuously letting feel like you're letting him in. He'll either get the hint, but may come on stronger if he reads it as you're backing off, be reassuring that you're not. However, if the way he is is putting you off, you may just not be ready for a relationship, or a relationship with him. Can you see yourself with this person in one, two, three years time? Do you 'want' to invest your time in the person?

Frogisatwat · 21/06/2014 08:40

Wishes he met you years ago...
massive massive red flag. Look up the future faking on the baggage reclaim website on phone but will try and do a link.

polomintchampion · 21/06/2014 08:46

Slow it down -don't be swept away with what he wants (even if it sounds inviting).

Get to know him over months, not hours, or it may end in tears.

Original poster
Sassy777 · 21/06/2014 08:52

I suppose I am holding back a little just because I really like him and don't want it to go wrong... He lives about 20 mins drive away, I'm the next town along. I have kids so can't see each other every day. I really like him!

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 21/06/2014 08:53

I agree with your friend.

A lot of people who are "full on" at the start, do that to hook you in quickly, so when their behaviour starts to change, later on, you over look it because you already have so much invested in the relationship, emotionally.

You don't know each other after a couple of weeks and realistically anyone over 22 (ish), should have the emotional intelligence to understand that you cannot say whether you have a future, yet.

It is very rare that as an adult you can make the decision that you want a relationship with a person that you have known for a couple of weeks, without it all going horribly wrong when you realise that they are not the person you thought they were, later on.

It's fine to make the decision that you are exclusive and want to build things up, but two weeks in, you don't know each other, at all.

ivykaty44 · 21/06/2014 08:56

If if talks about the future - say we have so much time lets enjoy the hear and now and getting to know each other

there is no rush if things are right we can take our time as we have found each other

if he still persists ask him what the rush is?

Birdsgottafly · 21/06/2014 08:57

"I really like him!"

I'm in my 40's, my answer would be that you need to find out if what he is showing you is really "him" and how does that cross over to being a long term partner (and possibly step dad).

As a LP, you should be holding back and enjoy dating, for a few months, at least. You have children that need your emotional investment and time, is he respecting that?

Original poster
Sassy777 · 21/06/2014 09:00

He hasn't spoken about the future as in moving in together or getting married etc. Just hoping it'll still be like this this time next year really.

Wish I could remember what my ex was like at the start as I think he was similar and we lasted nearly 12 years!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sassy777 · 21/06/2014 09:02

He has children too and understands my situation. He knows I won't be introducing them for quite some time and is happy with that.

OP posts:
Frogisatwat · 21/06/2014 09:10

I want to try and find out why 'wishes he met you years ago' is a red flag to back up my earlier statement! Its something my narc ex said and it turned into a living hell. He really was a classic narcissist not a term I use willy nilly.
So I am possibly projecting..
I think the fact you are posting here shows you are more grounded than I was!
How does he speak of his exes? I know early in a relationship its not good etiquette to talk of exes but as you both have children it must have briefly been mentioned? Are they amicable?

Frogisatwat · 21/06/2014 09:11

My future faking narc didn't talk of marriage or moving in.. it was 'we will go to Paris' 'I will take you to London' all bullshit.

Original poster
Sassy777 · 21/06/2014 09:16

His current ex he gets on with fine. They split up after growing apart after about 7 years. Previous one still hates him for leaving her by the sounds of things and is quite obstructive re their daughter...

OP posts:
Frogisatwat · 21/06/2014 09:22

Well that's a plus that he gets on with the latest. Though I am always Hmm with the ones where they 'hate them for leaving' enjoy the romance but just keep one eye open!

Birdsgottafly · 21/06/2014 09:51

"Just hoping it'll still be like this this time next year really."

But anyone whose had a relationship and has children, knows that once RL takes over, things change and we all have ups and downs.

Long term, things will change, especially when you have greater expectations of each other, as you should do with a long term partner, likewise you have a commitment to your OH.

That statement would make me wonder how he handles the not so great times and how committed to his partner he thinks he has to be, or if they have to put on a front to keep him happy/not to bother him with their problems etc.

There could be red flags there, already.

MyDHhasnomemory · 21/06/2014 10:09

Poor guy is probably just happy and excited IMO! Nothing wrong in showing this at the beginning of a relationship. But be cautious by all means, nothing wrong in that.

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