Finding new love as a single mum

[kikewblue]

Hi,

I know this might sound a bit silly but I've got a friend who recently separated from her husband and she's got two kids. We were having a conversation today where I think I may (maybe with good reasoning) put my foot in.

Ever since she left her DP she's been complaining that no one will ever want her now because she is a single mum. I then went on to say, that she will but it will take some time and most single men w/o kids don't really want to date anyone with kids. Is this right or wrong?

Also, I think that men tend to find single mums as an "easy target" and therefore you can get a lot of losers come your way. I'd like to know, does it matter to men whether a woman has kids or not as long as he loves her and then the children come as a package. Personally, if I ever got divorced I wouldn't care whether I had one child or 10 kids because bottom line is your children are your blood. Men will come and go but your kids will never leave you, so why care if someone accepts you or not...you already have the most precious gift in the world.

Any one found love after having 2,3,4....kids?

I get the impression you backtracked at 20.50

Yes I did. It seems as if people were misunderstanding the point of this thread and reading into things completely wrong. I got the impression, I hit a few nerves.

I don't agree that children put men off. Maybe young men who want to live a spontaneous life, but men my age (34), in my experience, are wanting to settle down. And a woman with children is already there. Perhaps you mean taking on the father role scares people away, which I have no experience of because my children know their dad.

Most men my age also have children of their own who they see regularly. I personally wouldn't date someone unless he has kids, I don't think someone can ever really understand the love you have for the kids.

kikewblue I would suggest that if "people were misunderstanding the point of this thread and reading into things completely wrong" that the failure lay in your communcation, not in everyone else's understanding of it...

Unlike, Scary, after meeting a couple of men with children, I have realised that I would only be happy dating men without children. I have no issue at all with the idea of being a stepmum, but I find I rarely meet other people whose parenting approach is one I could live with. So perhaps someone whose children are much older...

My boyfriend is 7 years older than me (late 40s), has never been married and doesn't have any children. That suits me perfectly! The reality of my children has only been an issue for one man, and that's fine, that was his choice. Most men I've met/dated haven't been bothered either way.

FolkGirl this is the internet and it's in plain text. So regardless of how I would like it to come across, people can still misinterpret whatever is written in their own way. Having said that, I do agree with you about rather dating men without children. I once separated from my dh for over a year. During that time I dated two men (one with kids and the other without) and my preference also would lie with men without kids. This might sound selfish and slightly egotistical but I found the one without children was more willing to learn, get involved and most of all he didn't have any other "love priority", so he absolutely adored my ds. Unfortunately, after 4/5 months of dating I decided he wasn't for me (lacking ambition, drive and just all round complacent in his career) plus dh was doing everything for us to get back together.

Thanks ladies for sharing your opinions and experiences. My underlying question has been answered and now how do I delete this thread?

You can report it, but MNHQ will usually only delete a whole thread if someone's anonymity has been compromised.

I just think that if everyone has misinterpreted it, then there might be an alternative explanation...

Actually, I'm surprised that by 4/5 months your new boyfriend had met your son. Especially when your husband was "doing everything" to get you back together.

It's one thing to have a brief fling yourself in that time - it's a funny old time immediately post seperation when you don't know what's coming next! But I'm not sure there was any wisdom in introducing your child into the mix, especially as you ended up splitting up and back with his dad.

Your son must have spent a lot of time with him for him to "absolutely adore" your son, too.

I think this is where relationships between single parents and new partners/girlfriends/boyfriends occurs; when the adults are only thinking about their needs and what they want and not considering the needs of the children. Mature, emotionally intelligent adults who realise that these situations will impact on their children negatively if not handled correctly tend to make the right decisions.

Funny how people without knowing the full story are always quick to jump assumptions about people they don't even know.

In 4/5 months he met my son on 4 occasions, and yes we dated for 4/5 months but have known each other since we were 18. So it's not someone I met and just off the back we got together! So please, in the future because you JUMP to conclusions about a person maybe ASKING a few questions first might be advisable..?

I'm not going to get into the details of my marriage and frankly I don't see a reason as to why I should explain myself anyway.

Seems as if this thing is FULL of internet trolls.

And FolkGirl HOW DARE YOU imply that for any moment I was considering my feelings and needs before my son! I was with him because I needed someone to console me and have an emotional connection with! Nothing sexual or the sort!! NOT THAT IT IS ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS ANYWAY!!!!

FYI your finishing statement would had had volumes if the scenario was that my son was at a age where he could understand that me and this guy were "seeing each other", but that was not the case. My son wasn't even two and as far as he was concerned this was just mummy's friend. It was never in an "intimate" setting more social settings, so explain to me if you will, how would that have an effect on my son????

Also a man in his late 40s and not having kids...odd!

Well this has taken a turn for the worse...

For the record, you did ask if anyone had found love after having 2, 3, 4 kids...as in your opening post.

And now you've found out what happens when people only have what you've said to go on.

If this has upset you, can I suggest you steer clear of AIBU?

X-posted. Why is a man in his late 40s with no kids odd? Just wondering...

drivenbyyou it sure has. That is what happens when people start making personal interpretations about people they DONT EVEN KNOW! I had a question and wanted to hear peoples EXPERIENCES! It wasn't a personal attack against anyone! How can it be?!

All of a sudden, people want to pick out and steer things in a completely different direction! Through this whole thread I haven't made any negative interpretation of ANYONE but if someone wants to go in that direction about me and start jumping to negative assumptions I WILL PUT YOU RIGHT BACK ON THE TRACK!

I'm not a saint and of course who is. As parents we have all made none the wise decisions, so WHO are we to judge anyone!

drivenbyyou Well she FolkGirl wants to make personal digs, so I will fully express my opinions too. In my culture (black/Latino) it is VERY rare to find a man in his late 40s without kids. In fact, I only know of three and all three of the are gay! So for me it's odd. I would be more concerned with keeping my eyes open on his movements instead of making personal digs at someone who don't even know!

I couldn't think of anything more damaging and detrimental to a child than finding out that your step dad is a closeted gay or worst way someone with peadophilic tendencies!

Calm down. I mean that without malice.

Kikewblue - I know there are some spikey characters on here and some are very quick to judge. Folkgirl isn't one of those and she wouldn't have meant any malice or disrespect.

Your last paragraph is a bit random.

OP you seem to be making lots of sweeping generalisations about people imo.
Also, ime a lot of people may think they wouldn't date someone with children but when they actually meet someone they like with children they change their mind.

Well FWIW, he just hasn't ever met anyone he wanted to marry and have children with, so he didn't. That's all. Why? Are you suggesting that he might be gay or a paedophile..? I thought it was quite responsible of him, to be honest.

I didn't mean any malice or disrespect, OP, but part of my job involves helping children manage the way they feel when parents seperate and introduce new partners and then that goes wrong and so on... It does raise my hackles a little when I hear of 4 month relationships where children have been introduced and the new partner loves them... And it doesn't matter whether the parent is seeking emotional comfort or sex. The impact on the child is no different.

I do disagree with much of what you have said, and the way in which you have expressed yourself. I have also formed opinions based the things you have said and you may not agree with these. That doesn't mean they're a 'personal dig' and I have expressed my thoughts respectfully.

To be fair, you said this man "absolutely adored" your son. That does suggest he met him on more than 4 occasions. I would have to meet someone much more often than that to feel that I "absolutely adored" them.

holdyourown actually, I think you might have a point. I don't think I'd have a relationship with someone with children because a few men I've met/dated have had children and I knew that our parenting approaches were just incompatible. I suppose if I was single and met someone whose parenting approach was compatible with mine, it could be different.

OP I do agree with what you said in one of your posts that your friend is not going to meet a decent man or find 'love' if she is just meeting random men off the internet and bringing them to her house for a 'leg over'. To be honest, that's quite a risky situation for both herself and the children.

But it is possible to meet someone who isn't put off by a woman who has children.

Oh and one more thing, for the sake of clarity!

I've been seeing my boyfriend for nearly 8 months. He's met my children once, at their request, because we went on overseas on holiday together and they felt more comfortable knowing the man I was going to be with.

They both liked him and felt reassured that he was a decent sort of a chap... but they don't need a relationship with him. There is nothing to be gained by anyone by doing so.

How old are your children Folkgirl-?

I agree with much of what you have posted but my mum died when I was 16. My dad had three relationships thereafter and kept my brother and I entirely separate to his partners - to be honest it was hugely damaging to our relationship as we felt quite divorced and isolated from his life.

I was in a position where he died quite suddenly and I met his partners daughters for the first time at the funeral which was horrible.

I hadn't thought about it like that mytwo...

The eldest is 15 and the youngest is 7.

I suppose I've made my decisions based on my own experiences. My parents seperated when I was 18 and my brother was 15. My dad had one relationship thereafter (with the OW) until his death 18 months ago. They had two further children. We haven't seen her (or my half siblings) since the funeral. She has ignored all invitations, texts, emails... Although my dad did manage the situation reasonably well, but it still wasn't great.

My mother, on the other hand, had a series of boyfriends/partners/another husband, each of whom was less desirable than the last and who seemed to just be slotted into the 'stepdad' shaped hole that permanently accompanied her. She was no longer our mother, but half of FG'smum and . We were denied a relationship with her independent of her latest man.

I talk about him with them. But after 7.5/8 months (I'm not really counting tbh!) I don't feel that there is enough of a commitment/plan for the future for him to be involved in their lives.

Blimey! Glad that the OP seems to have a bit of spirit here

FWIW my son is now 16 and yes Ive had a few boyfriends along the way that met him far sooner than the apparently safe period of 6 months. He's neither damaged nor unhinged about this.

A girls allowed to have a "male" friend surely

I think it's just however you feel Folkgirl: my dad really did rush into relationships, and they got very intense (moving in together) after a period of weeks. Obviously you're not doing that! But I suppose that if in the future things were to be serious, the two of you would have a long period of intimacy not shared by your DCs and that might make things difficult for you as well as them.

Some single people, as I was, didn't have every other weekend off. My sons dad lived miles away. Like I said, I had boyfriends, son was introduced to a few of them very early on. They were great with him and guess what, he's not scarred by any of this.

Ha well! Seems you have to write you entire life history and thought process with a hundred disclaimers in an OP these days or else get snipped, fired at, and generally have your credentials as a human being (mother) undermined.