If we are all supposed to be cool about porn, why can't I be?

[Bogeyface]

H was looking up something on his phone that we were talking about from a TV program, he passed the phone to me and I hit what I thought was the back button (I was sure I was right and need proof!) but it was the "screens" button. Or something, not sure, he has a fancy schmancy android jobby that I dont understand. Anyway, it came up with a list of screens he has open on his Chrome brower, 7 screens of which at least 4 were pornography.

I just said "Well, I was wrong about X, but you should try to hide your porn better". He knows how I feel about it especially as he has had a sexting affair and would have had a physical affair with an ex if I hadnt found the texts about an hour before he was due to meet her. I only stayed because our baby was 5 weeks old :(

Our sex life is non existant, see above.

Fuck.

This isnt about porn is it? I can see that now just from writing this down.

Sorry, back to the point.

We have a good and strong friendship, marriage?......not so sure, but we get on, we are good parents and I thought we were finally moving on, our sex life had been getting better very slowly. But then I saw that and now I am being very pass agg. I am not speaking to him because I cant bear to. I know that sulking/stropping/not speaking is childish and pointless but I just dont want to have anything to do with him.

It feels to me like another example of him looking outside the marriage.

I know that people say "Oh men look at porn, it doesnt mean anything" so why am I so pissed off? Why cant I be cool about and think, at worst, he is a bit of a saddo for having a wank over a pair of plastic tits on a screen instead of feeling betrayed, again?

For major health issues, LTB is not an option at the moment, it really isnt so please dont try to give me suggestions about how I could, because I cant.

Sorry but NO you don't have to be 'cool' about porn at all, particularly if he is choosing to wank over it rather than have sex with you.

I was in a similar situation and told my DH that if he preferred porn to me then he could fuck off be single and wank himself silly in a bedsit somewhere and that if he wanted a wife and a real loving sexual partner then he had a choice to make.

He chose to give up the porn and stay married and our sex life improved dramatically once he stopped watching it.

Part of the problem is feminism, I cant be sympathetic to any man who watches porn because I know what the women go through.

He knows this, yet he would still rather watch a watch a damaged and abused woman being treated like a piece of meat than make love with me.

We had the "porn or me" convo a few years back. That worked. Not.

don't blame you for being pissed off and please don't question yourself over why you should be cool about it? Why should you? No reason.

So, ok, LTB isn't an option at the moment but....is it something you can plan for the future? In the meantime, I wouldn't be in a hurry to speak to him either but sulking/stropping is not the answer. This is clearly about trust issues, he let you down by inappropriate behaviour with his ex - sexting and almost physical affair.

I think you need to put yourself first, think longer term and take actions now that will help you get to where you need to be. Staying with someone you cannot trust, who chooses porn over a sex life, its agony. Easier said than done (I know) but could you try to practice indifference whilst you work out how to get to where you need to be?

I do try indifference, but it always comes out as the silent treatment. I dont mean to, I really dont but the problem is that I cant bear to speak to him. I dont want to be near him, I have nothing I want to say to him.

So it does come out at sulking or the cold shoulder.

Bogey hiya xxx

You are right this isn't about porn.

It's not about feminist issues or anything big picture like that. It's about you and him and you still don't feel listened to, valued or treated with respect.

I dunno what you do, rocket up his arse? You would be fine alone if it came to that. I know you would even if you don't,

But, it's only you that should set the boundaries. You don't need to put up with anything beyond your acceptable limits and it doesn't matter what a hone else has as theirs.

It sounds like he had done things to make you have trust issues . The fact that he almost had a physical affair when you had just had a baby ... For me almost impossible to forgive once I had got my mojo back after having the baby.

I don't like my husband wanking over porn but I accept that he does it sometimes as I do too ??.
If my emotional or sex life was not great it would cause the same reaction as you have had .
Really not on .

I have nothing I want to say to him. Actually that isnt true but what I want to say would end up being yelled at several thousand decibels, which would be counter productive!

Hey RHonda :)

Thanks Xotic

I am off to bed now but will be back tomorrow morning.

You are both right, it is all about respect and trust. I think that my personal feelings about the women in porn that he knows about just add to the feelings of betrayal.

There is no trust, none at all.

I hope you get a decent sleep . Feel for you

I don't like porn, and don't see why I should be cool about it.

This isn't about porn, it's about boundaries and your right to set the boundaries as you want them and expect them to be be adhered to. If he doesn't, then his attitude is that your needs are less important than his wants and that tells you all you need to know.

and I write that as someone who isn't anti porn btw

I am not too sure why you cant just yell at him and tell him what you think? Sorrt if that is bad advice but if my partner had set up a sex date 5 WEEKS after i had a baby, my voice would be heard from space.

You need to tell him EXACTLY how you feel not bottle it all up. Including that it makes you not want to be near to or speak to him at all.

You don't say why your sex life is non existent... Is it because of the porn or something else?

Although you don't like him using porn I'm not sure you can stop him - it would seem your views are at odds with each other over this - are your views any more valid than his though?

I think you're right, the porn is only a symptom of the problem. You want him to make to make you feel desirable and loved. Did he ever try and make up for what he did or put any effort back into the relationship? As to be honest, it doesn't sound like it tbh. My partner is one of the few that isn't really bothered by porn. TBH I watch it more than him. But the fact is what makes you happy as a couple. He is putting his needs before yours. Remember communication is the key. If you can't say it without an argument, write how you're feeling in a letter and you can choose whether to give it to him or not xxx

There's no trust.

There's no love.

There's no friendship.

He IS, just IS, a cheat - fundamentally unfaithful to you and the marriage and your children (no, you don't have a strong friendship/marriage- he has no an ounce of respect for you) - even if he hasn't physically cheated yet, he will.

You can and should move on. Don't waste your life with a third-rate guy like this.

you don't have to be 'cool' about porn. no-one does.

leave him, cherub. he's not faithful to you and it hurts your feelings.

I have some experience of something similar. If it was just he was watching porn, the issue might be different. But the fact is that he clearly still interested in sex, but if your sex life is not great and he's replacing intimacy with you, with porn, it seems like there are some underlying issues with him.

He could be an asshole for all I know, but assuming he genuinely loves you, I really don't think any man is going to prefer porn over the real thing.

I wouldn't say he's a cheat (going on what you've said), for all you know he might never have gone through with the meetup, obviously I've no idea what was going on his mind and I don't know either of you, but there are always two sides to the story and I think it's worth looking at the deeper issues if you're willing to try. Personally, I think the best thing to do when you're feeling calm, is approach him with how upset you are, and give him the opportunity to be completely honest about what's really going on.

Sit down with him and let him talk, tell him you promise you won't get angry or even respond. Let him talk, and then leave (because you might feel defensive or upset with his side of things, and responding in that state of mind is never good). Go think about what he's said and take it from there.

If he's not willing to do that, well then I don't know. You can only try if he is willing to try too.

Doesn't matter what anyone else accepts. This is your life and you are the only one who has to live it.

I think you are strong but you need to be stronger. Love yourself and then decide if you still love who he is.

There's no reason why you should have to be cool about it at all. He's getting off on women (mostly) being treated like shit.