Getting over it

[BestestBrownies]

I split with my husband almost two years ago. It was my decision to leave, and once out the door I didn't look back. Through reading a lot of self-help books (and the wise advice on MN on these boards of course), I realised my EXH was emotionally abusive and controlling. The twelve years we were together turned me into a shadow of my former self and I have relished my freedom.

So why have I allowed Mr Rebound to treat me even worse? What the hell is wrong with me? I thought I'd come so far with regard to my self confidence, self esteem, etc, but clearly I haven't done anywhere near enough work yet.

How do I fix this?

I'm sorry no one wiser than me has responded yet, so I can only respond from my own experience which is this.

When someone that is supposed to love you treats you like complete shit, it can make you feel in some way like you deserve no better. Your standards and expectations can drop.

For me, since I went through a bad experience I no longer trust the voice in my head which used to guide me. I no longer "read" people easily. I am just a little bit messed up. But I am fighting my way through it.

You have to find a way to know that what happened wasn't down to you, and that you deserve to be with someone lovely. And so do I

Not sure I'm any wiser! From a similar situation I have found, what I believe to be, a wonderful relationship, but it know that my boundaries are still a bit woolly and I am constantly checking on here and with RL friends in case i am I am missing something important as I don't trust my own judgment any more.

After accepting being treated poorly for so long it is no wonder that you aren't clear about what constitutes a normal relationship.

Have you looked into the Freedom Programme. I know a couple of people who have really benefitted from this. I don't know much about it personally but I'm sure that's what the wise ones will come along and recommend.

It's unlikely that you would walk into a relationship with Mr Right straight away so don't berate yourself for not getting it right this time. Learn from it, work on your self esteem and next time hopefully you will spot the problems sooner.

How long have you been (hopefully, were you) seeing Mr Rebound? Not sure I like that term to be fair either due to being one for 3 years.

If you haven't already done so, you know you have to dump Mr R. Just do it.

Then stay single for a while, join things, get involved in stuff, build up that self esteem, Freedom programme?.

Don't berate yourself - many of us, including myself, have done the same.

Thank you all for your kind replies. I'm not in the UK at the moment, so can't access the Freedom Program. I have seen it mentioned on here and wondered if it might be a good idea.

Does anyone have a link?

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Thank you polo

Hi I am in exactly the same place. 2 years split from an abusive 20 year marriage, met a lovely guy been seeing him 8 months and he's gone AWOL - I'm devastated but trying really hard not to be. I think why it's so hard is I don't have any thing to hate him for where as with my exh I had loads of things to moan about but our relationship was really good. I give up x

I honestly thought I 'm the ony one going through this. Everyday I thank God I joined Mumsnet. It can also be very difficult if you are far away from your family- which is the case with me.