Oh bugger...

[march74]

I get obsessive crushes now and again that go on for about 6 months. I had a very abusive childhood, have had a LOT of counselling and think it's not helping me this time - so putting this out to real people for some perspective.

I am happily married so try really hard to limit crushes as much as possible but have learnt over the years the best thing is to let them play out in my head and fizzle out. I really do try to keep them secret, I am a shy person anyway and don't really know how to flirt!

Latest crush (who is a couple of years younger then me) bloody well noticed and started smirking at me when I talk to him at work. I feel crushed. The worst I've done is act nervous when talking to him and got caught looking over at him once - I looked away immediately and when I looked back he was still looking. Next time I saw him, the smirking started. Now I just avoid him altogether and am very business like if have to interact. He is classically attractive so not short of female attention, he is also a bit aloof.

I know normal people would laugh it off and possibly say he is being a dick but it has made me feel like this and I can't shake myself out of it...

Feel that at 39 I am washed up, ugly (used to get told I was pretty when I was younger), worthless, ruined body after 2 DC, stupid for being shy at my age. Feel like he must be thinking 'who is she to think I might be interested in her?' Feel like he thinks I'm a stalker for looking at him. I now hate looking in the mirror because it reminds me what an idiot I am for having a crush on someone attractive. Feel ashamed this is going on in my head when I have a DH who loves me. Feel ridiculous someone knows I have a crush on them at my age.

DH is complimentary and tries hard to make me feel good but he's not one for passionate declarations of desire and I do feel I am missing that feeling of being sexually desired from my youth (the whole 'I really want you thing') but I'm realistic life/marriages can't go on like that for ever.

Do any of you still feel attractive in your late 30s onwards? Would you react like this?

Sorry this is a load of waffle, just needed to get it out my head as driving me mad.

I'm not a terribly shy person but quiet ish all the same, I am nearly 38 I have 6 kids and yes a feel attractive in fact I am a goddess in my eyes. The hubby isn't a big romance live declaration phwoar type person either but it's probably more about confidence than anything else. Little secret crushes are fine in your head but keep them for film stars or the like and then you won't have any probs. By the way the bloke is probably wondering why a gorgeous woman like you is interested ( even though you're not interested really!)

Stop trying to second guess what he's thinking it doesn't matter as its not real or relevant and give your hubby a big hug .

Too many errors to apologise for but on tiny phone with giant fingers

Thanks Foo, I love that you feel a goddess - what is your secret?

I think I want to stop second guessing what he's thinking but feel so embarrassed he's clearly worked out my crush.

Hi i have had a crush for a while now i think as long as you stick to your boundaries and keep things professoonal then you will be fine. Please dont think so little of yourself though.
i find i feel more attractive in my 30's feel more confident notice the odd guy looking lol. ;) but still fancy dh's socks off

Oops sorry for typing error :O

He probably hasn't you know, I have no secrets ha ha, I have wobbly bits galore, stretch marks and all that stuff, but being attractive and sexy isn't about that it's the confidence, you a married to a nice guy right? That's because you're an attractive person. Smile and hold your head up it works wonders

I think constantly being told as a child how unattractive I was (I wasn't) and various other physical/sexual abuse has left this massive irritating lack of confidence and I have fought hard to get to some sort of normality.

This man's reaction has really knocked me back - realistically I know it is MY reaction that is the problem. I just don't know why he is smirking - could be he is flattered, equally could be he thinks I'm ridiculous.

I want to move on from putting all my self worth in someone else's hands. Easy to say, hard to do.

It's reassuring that women my age still see themselves as attractive - almost gives me permission to think that I might still be. Agree there is nothing more unattractive than someone with low confidence esp at our age. Just can't f'ing move on.

But you have moved in a lot, I've been through a lot of crap ( now is not the time) and I think you need to be kinder to yourself. He may not even be smirking, maybe he's got a weird smile or is trying not to fart, whatever his reaction if he'd have thrown himself at you would you have run into the sunset with him and abandoned your life/husband/ work etc?
Didn't think so,
It's not easy sometimes but look at what you have, does your hubby know you need a boost every now and then? Do you tell him he's sexy/gorgeous whatever? Try it and see how it feels.

Thanks foo - made me laugh!

I really want to be kinder. It isn't really about this man it's about not being able to control what other people think of you. Need to put that bit of me to rest. It does help getting it all out of my head.

You can't control other people only your actions and reactions.

If this is a seriously good looking man then he'll have just added you to the list of people who he knows has noticed he's good looking. And of course he's flattered and enjoys it - but I really doubt he's judging you for it.

You seem very self-aware, and that's a good thing. I think you'll find your self-confidence will come naturally from that and you'll be OK.

My first thought was, I wonder if the smirking is flirting, or just being friendly.

You are not an idiot or ridiculous for having a crush. I went through a phase of having crushes, infact through most of my 30s, largely I think as a result of childhood issues. It is painful, but it doesn't make you an idiot. There is so much criticism of yourself in your first post, and it seems like shame and lack of self-esteem s a big issue for you. Have you ever got any help with that or tried some self-help? Can I suggest this book and/or this website
Please tell yourself, it is natural an normal to be attracted to other people, yes even though you are married, and it is certainly not idiotic or ridiculous. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

In answer to your question, yes, I can still feel attractive even though I have never been particularly pretty and I know my body is shot after 3 DC.

It's normal to have "crushes" on others when in a long term relationship, just important to not act on them - seems like you have no interest in that. Fine to play it out in your head.

I think you're reading too much into the smirking. I doubt he's noticed and interpreted it as a crush. It might be a friendly thing. Perhaps he noticed your shyness, and is simply trying to be an approachable colleague. Or he might think you're attractive and is trying to be flirtatious.

I would never smirk at someone who had a crush on me that I didn't find attractive. What would he gain? Why would he be actively antagonistic in the workplace, if that's what he's doing? It doesn't make sense; obviously if you found his behavior bullying you could report him.

He may not be as aware as you feel and he may not be smirking he may be being friendly. Try and not waste any time on reading/misreading his body language. FWIW I am now 54 and am attractive 39is a baby so enjoy what you look like now - it will get worse- but agree its feeling good that counts , someone told me to look in the mirror every day and say Morning gorgeous and you will start to believe it!!

Thanks everyone, it is really helpful to get perspective on what the smirking means. You're right that you wouldn't necessarily invite any more attention from someone you didn't think was 'worth' it. I suppose I've got myself in a position where I think I am assuming he is thinking I am def not worth it. That is what has started all this overthink and being annoyed about caring way too much what other people think of me instead of just moving on.

He seems quite a complicated character so I am just acting professional around him now.

Like being called a baby at 39!

I am self aware which is what is so damn frustrating about falling into this thinking at my age. On some level I want him to come out and say 'hey you fancy me that's ok I think you are alright too let's forget it' but that's not going to happen so got to give my self that approval but find it so hard. Part of my brain defaults to remembering that most people think I'm shit (childhood) and so need to assume that position so I can stay safe

remember it was a only horrid people who thought you were worthless.Its not the truth and those people have had too much of you life already. Every time you think that challenge the thought - Where does it come from and do you need it now. if DP is allowing those thoughts to stay then challenge every time it crosses your mind. Its hard work and tiring at first but you'll get to remember its not true quite quickly.

Thanks again everyone I have taken everything on board. I was at a very low point when I posted.

Majestic - your comments about shame really resonated with me. No therapist has ever explored this (usually so many other things to deal with - my life/family has been v screwed up with a series of seemingly never ending traumatic events) but the reading I am doing is making sense.

Using feelings of shame to control what others think of me makes a lot of sense. Realising I can't control what other people think of me is utterly terrifying. Ensuring that I always think they are thinking the absolute worst is a form of control - it is a crutch in a weird way. I would like to let go and let people get on with their thoughts and feelings and concentrate a lot more on myself - I think this has always felt self-indulgent in the past but it has now reached crisis point and I need to look after myself so that I can be there for my kids and DH and myself.

I bet he hasn't noticed you know, he is probably just smiling at you. Crushes are perfectly normal, I'm in a happy marriage and would never ever cheat. That doesn't mean I haven't been looking forward to my builder coming back this morning!