bullying parent

[pennypitstoppe]

Hello. I've name changed to protect identity. My dm has lived with a very controlling and ea husband (my father) for thirty years. My siblings and I have all tried to persuade her away from him and offered accommodation, financial and emotional support over the years but she won't leave him.

Recently dm and 'd'f invited my two young dc and I to stay for a few days as they live in a remote location by the coast, so it would be a bit of a holiday for us as dh needs to work so no holiday this year. Today, our last day, 'd'f decided to be rude to me, he was being patronising and when I said 'dont speak to me like that' he stomped off, while I took dc for lunch in our annexe.

I went to try to smooth it over for the sake of dm (for whom this type of thing is a regular occurrence) and df turned nasty, said he wanted nothing more to do with me, said I'd always been rude and am a malicious person, wants nothing more to do with me etc. I know that this is classic controlling and bullying behaviour, he reduced me to tears and I walked away from apologising for something he should have been apologising to me for

Tomorrow dh is collecting me from the station but I have to wait until then...should I never speak to df again? but I want to support dm, though I doubt she'll ever leave him.

Hello
Many members of my family are bullying and controlling in a very similar way to this.
I found a website called www.bpdfamily.com to be extremely helpful. It's a resource for people who have a family member with borderline personality disorder, and as BPD folks are often bullying and controlling, it's actually a very good site for those of us trying to manage life with a 'difficult' person.
Saved my sanity when I was getting divorced from a bullying control freak.
I wish you all the best going forward, this is such a difficult situation for you. x

People with BPD are no more bullying or controlling than people without the BPD. Please don't blanket everyone who might be controlling/bullying as having BPD, that's one of the reasons why mental health gets such a bad name, because misinformed people without the knowledge or experience brandish these diagnosis' around without a thought.

As you can't get the kids into a car with your DH then go back and tell your 'D' F that his behaviour has cemented in your mind the fact that he is a controlling bully and that you will never ever put yourself or your kids in a position where he has the power to be rude and make you cry again, you will just have to write it all down.

Write and tell him plainly that you are granting him his wish, are doing as he insists, you are complying with his demand. Tell him that he has made you cry and apologise for something he has done for the last time. That youhave seen the true error of your ways and realise that he had one thing right, that he does not need to see you again.

In another letter tell your mum you love her but are unable to continue trying to please your dad.

You may never post either letter, but do take a bit of time and write them. You will feel much better, promise.

Then, letters posted or not, live your live, let your mum live hers and forget trying to please a man whose joy comes from bullying!

Thank you, this is really helpful :-)

Nomama I will definitely do as you suggest, I'm really surprised that he was as unpleasant and cruel in what he said to me. It's very hard as I want to support dm, but as she refuses to leave him then it means I have to see him a bit...however I will write the letters. Thanks again.