truth or lies, dsis is confusing me -sorry long-

[theenforcer]

first of all I will say I love my dsis dearly.-she is 6 years younger- both the other side of 50!

we have never had cross words, always there for each other through the many ups and downs of our lives.

dsis lives abroad (reluctantly), and has spent many years crying on the phone to me, totally distraught, desperate to come "home".

I would like to visit her, but the long haul flight now only is it expensive but I have mobility issues.

she says she looks on rightmove all the time, often saying she has found the perfect place to move to, close to me.

last week, I had another 3 hours of her crying, distraught, desperate.

her dil- 4 children- is a manipulative and narcissistic bully, she readily admits that fact to whoever cares to listen.

my dsis works full time and has a illness, controlled by medication.

dsis is physically and mentally exhausted by not only the demands of work, but also by dil sending her children to dsis when she knows dsis isn't working.

I read a similar thread recently re a dsis desperate to come home, but is between a rock and hard place.
i read the many helpful replies, and wondered how I could help my dsis, if I can at all.

the problem is that whenever I speak to dn-dsis son- he says everything is perfect for dsis.

the last few years have been a living hell for dsis, she is constantly berating her dil , their relationship is one of mutual hate, and dsis says amidst the tearful phone calls, "she can't stand it anymore" and must leave to find peace by coming home.

there is always a major issue that dsis is in the middle of.

yesterday DN rang- we have a great relationship- .
having just got off the phone( 2 hours and counting) with dsis, I finally told him how his DM is and has been for years.

he relied "she is always fine when he sees her"?

dsis has told me she has the same illness our sister died of, ( which upset me tremendously)but was in a state asking me if I told her son that?-

I hadn't-.......she doesn't want anyone to say anything, yet is me receiving these calls day in and day out.
Her day to day life on the surface seems fine to everyone, nice little house, job, a few quid in the bank.

yet it's like she is Jekyll &hyde to me.

but, my question is this.......

is dsis exaggerating everything,
offloading on me,
yet has no intention of coming home,
yet putting me through the emotional ringer each time she calls in a horrendous state?

and more to the point, WHY does she do this.

*dsis wants to come home, hates where she is living.
*dsis is seriously ill
*dsis is hated by her dil
*dsis hates her life

*yet I am the only one she paints such a dark picture of her life to.
she says she isn't at all depressed, just hates her awful life.
but her DS says she is fine?
please someone help me to make sense of this.

I think the

Only way you will find out is to go over there yourself. Then I think you will see who is truly trying to fool you! Ask your sister for help towards your flight cost. Plus they do offer assistance on flights to those with mobility issues!

It's hard to say if she does have a real issue living there or is just a drama llama who feels life is lacking if she isn't stirring up trouble. Maybe DSIL really is an absolutely atrocious human being, or maybe your sister is martyrish. Who can say?

What do you think would happen if you limited the amount of time you spent on the phone to her?

It sounds as though you need another "witness". Both your DSis and her son could have a reason to lie about her state, but not both of them. Is DN married to the "DIL" mentioned?

Who else is there in the family? Any chance you could make vontact with any of her co-workers, e.g. through mutual friends?

The same illness your sister died from is another possible means of getting at "the truth", if you can talk to her more about that, see if she offers any backup materual, e.g. pictures of prescription medicines?

Sorry you are facing this. It is horrible not to kniw whom to trust...

Another thought does occur with the way you say she is Jekyll and Hydish - could she have a substance abuse problem? Eg, when she's sober she's reasonably happy but when she's drunk/stoned/whatever she gets maudlin and homesick so bends your ear for hours on end?

ah, I must say the drama llama point might be nearer the truth.

(again dsis always has been a bit martyish I must admit,..."I am broke", then it comes out she has taken so and so on holiday ,for meals out, or paid for so and so.)

as far as limiting phone time, I find it so hard when she rings and I say, hi, how are you, she will say fine then ask how I am.
but before I know it, an hour has passed relating who did what to her and why.

maybe I need to zone out a bit?

DN was surprised when I told him today about the state my dsis is/has been in for so long.
he said she is always fine when he sees her weekly.

dsis has a best friend but I don't have her contact details.

dsis was "told" that she "could" have the same illness , as our dear sister, but the way I was told was that it was impending.

but she was quite concerned that I might have mentioned to her DS- which of course I didn't, as it's not up to me-but I wonder if that is quite what is seems?

awful to say, but perhaps she was not being quite truthful with me.
a few years ago she frightened me by saying she could"drop dead" anytime as she had a thrombosis, but nothing came of it.

no, dsis definitely hasn't got a drink/drugs issue.

it's just she will ring, say she is exhausted from work, can't carry on, then her GC turn up and I hear her laughing and saying to come in.

it's just like she is two people.
one who feels like she can't carry on anymore, and one, the face to the world which is bright and happy?
????????

IRealistically, she's either deeply unhappy but refusing to do anything to change her situation or she's hamming it up to you and wasting your time and emotional energy.

I wouldn't zone out while she's on the phone as that would just reinforce the idea that you're willing to spend hours on the phone to her. I'd start making myself a little less available by letting her calls go through to the answering machine 50% of the time and for the rest that you do answer say that while you'd love to chat you're going out in half an hour so can't talk for long.

just an update here, I originally messaged using the tag..theenforcer...

regarding my dsis who had confused and distressed me for many years, by frequent hours of distressed phone calls.

originally I asked how could I help/advise my dsis who "desperately want to come home".

I must repeat that she has spent almost three decades crying to me that she wants to "come home"

well, the strangest thing has happened since I spoke to her ds (33) a couple of weeks ago.. where he was astonished that dsis was feeling like that.

since then, I received another phone call from dsis, which I listened to in total disbelief.

she happily asked how I was, what the weather was like, had I been watching the tennis and so on.
she said she had been enjoying the sun, had a good week.
.and was getting ready for gs's birthday party.

so absolutely like any phone call I had received for years..
then I heard her ds on the other phone.

so...is this the true dsis, or the pretend dsis?

is she really quite happy in her life, with her family around?
or is she living a life of pretence?

If I have understood correctly that your DN/ her DS was on the extension, or nearby on another phone call, all this shows is that he is unaware of her "hidden" life. She still might have a "hidden" life, but just be unwilling to reveal it in front of him.

I don't like the practice of "internet diagnosis", but could she be bipolar, meaning that both modes are equally "true" in her life?

thank you,
he is apparently unaware of her "hidden life" meaning that he believes that everything is lovely in the garden, by the way dsis behaves when family are there..

but I hear the side that dsis hides from everyone.

maybe, yes, both sides of her life are true, depending on the person she has daily contact with.
it just depresses me so much, only hearing the sad and depressing side, never the happy side.

dsis was definitely being bright and cheery when she spoke to me, with her ds next to her, almost as if to say to him that she was fine and I was exaggerating her phone calls to me for so long.

I don't think you are going to get to the bottom of this without going out there, however logistically difficult.
a) your Dsis is basically happy but likes to have a good moan to you and get sympathy
b) your Dsis is basically very unhappy but doesn't want her DS/DIL to know that she has been complaining about them
c) a bit of both but you always get the drama llama complaints and not the positive stuff

think kamer is right.

If its wearing you down - and damn, after years of this it must have weighed heavy on you a long time - then maybe saying 'ok what are you going to do about it' will help you. And keeping saying it when she comes up with reasons she can't do anything. In the end, she will probably start complaining less. It does sound to me as if she either needs to get out, or to stop complaining, no matter how hard getting out is.

Yes, I can see quite a lot of things she can do about her situation. Refuse to look after the grandchildren for a start and if she wants to move home, she can do that too.

I don't think it's fair on you to offload all this stuff, even if it is true, without moving one little finger to help herself.

wow, it just keeps on coming.

dsis rang to say she wants to come home- again- I replied "come home then"
she replied, but I can't leave ds -adult 33- as he lives with me and will have nowhere to live if she sells up and leaves!

dn has already told me a while ago, that it wouldn't be a problem for him at all if his mother leaves, he also said she doesn't want to leave anyway.

I repeated this to dsis that her ds said it wouldn't bother him if she left, he would be okay, but dsis kept saying that she had to stay.

he also told me that he had told dsis that he would "always look after her" if she needed him.

it just goes on and on.

maybe they just need each other, yet aren't happy with the status quo as it is, but both afraid to change it.
I told dsis directly, unless things change, they will stay the same, but she simply said, she has had a horrible life and it won't get any better.

Is she getting lots of attention from you when you think she's upset? Does she think she should WANT to come home and therefore makes a big issue of wanting to but doesn't really?

Call her a drama llama and see what happens.

She's lying to SOMEONE, does it matter who? She should just grow up and either enjoy her life there, or come back here.

I think I've read and understood all this. OP have you spoken to her really clearly about the double message you're receiving and how it effects you?
I think that's the next step, apologies if you've already done this.

FWIW I have an aunt and uncle who separately claim to hate each other and must leave but when together seem content and happy. They've been together 40 years. It's just the way the are, the habit they've got into. Neither has any intention of actually doing it!

I think haydayqueen has it exactly right there. Does she feel guilt about not seeing you and so claims she wants to come home but can't. Is this about her not being able to take responsibility for her decision to stay there?

merdealor,
yes, I have spoken honestly to dsis , actually explained re the double message she is giving me...even using the phrase..jeckl&hyde...

her honest response was simply, she wants to come home, but knows she can't.
when I asked why not, she said because ds (33) lives with her.

I truthfully told her that I am left so sad after the phone calls, even saying wish I had a magic wand so she can come home - if that is what she wants.

I am pretty sure that she isn't feeling guilty about not seeing me, as dsis has a married daughter and gc in the uk, (who she has a great relationship with )who she "wishes she could see more often"

for so many years, there is/was a "reason" why she couldn't make the decision, I have never even attempted to influence anything dsis does or wants.

maybe, she is simply scared and worn out, and can't face making any decisions, so it's easier to stay where she is forever.

maybe, she is simply scared and worn out, and can't face making any decisions, so it's easier to stay where she is forever.

Flowers, realistically this sounds like the reason. She can't face making the decision but confides her sadness in you. I'm sure her life is a mixture is a good and bad parts - as everyone's is but you only get one side of it from her.

Thing is, where do you go from here?

this could be a little harsh but could she be actually enjoying moaning? she could leave her son - he's said so outright!-

the thing about telling you she has the same disease that your other sister died of - has that been confirmed? this could be utterly paranoid thinking but it has been known for people who are habitually unhappy to, well, exaggerate health conditions into something rather bigger and lifethreatening. If that's completely unfair to her then I'm sorry for suggesting it!

Your love for her is clear but there is nothing, nothing you can do if she won't help herself and her reasons for not helping herself are pretty odd. Is it possible to gently detach a bit? I know with a highly complaining female relative of mine who was dramatic, in the end the only way to handle it was to listen, but to step back mentally and not get emotionally involved. Your situation might be very different, just a suggestion.

dsis has lupus, diagnosed,
but she relayed to me "confidentially" that the specialist told her it could lead to leukaemia later.

I tried to check the truth on the internet but couldn't find a link at all.

...pretty odd... yes, that is how I feel about it, as she can easily afford to sell up and come home, but each year invents yet another reason why she stays there.

her dd begs her to come home now she has a young baby herself.
I think that all I can do now, is to listen to her, but basically take it with a pinch of salt for my own sanity.

the emotional issue is that I still have, in my minds eye, the little girl who was orphaned at a young age, who I became guardian of- even though I was young myself.

so, as she says constantly, "I don't want to die here", only time will tell the eventual outcome of my dsis's life.
certainly is a journey.

I disagree. You shouldn't just listen to her. She's wallowing in it and you're enabling it. If you could just listen to her and it not affect you, fine. But it does affect you. It leaves YOU depressed. It's like she transfers all of her sadness onto you. She then feels fine and you are left feeling down and out or sorts.

You have to stop her in her tracks. Just say:

'I can't listen to all of this anymore. It's just too depressing. If you want help in making changes I will do everything I can. But if all you want to do is moan and complain about something you have no intention of changing then I'm sorry, but I just can't listen to it anymore.'

oh flowers, you were her guardian and you only had each other? I see now why you feel responsible for her happiness ...

you will always have that bond but she has grown up and beyond that now, what with a daughter -and grandaughter!- of her own and a son. It sounds like she's fallen into a pattern of unloading all her woes onto you but actually, she doesnt really want to move at all. There is a remote chance taht something else is going on that she wont/cant talk about - you never know- but in the end there is nothing more you can do and it is unfairly draining on you to listen to all this. She has to help herself (and her daughter!) now

This sounds a difficult situation. It's not the same at all, but it is reminding me a bit of my Grandma, who died a couple of years ago.

The day after my parents married she and my grandfather moved to America and lived there for 40+ years. He died and she lived there alone for a while. In her old age she began to get very unhappy with living in America, it was vastly inferior to England, lots of things were wrong with it and her life there, and she very much wanted to move back to England to be near her family.

Eventually the decision was made and she did move back here. But after a while, it became how lovely America was and how she missed it, she had no friends here and all her friends were in America (in fact, most of her friends had died by this point!), she was miserable here and she wanted to move back.

Now my Grandma was in her 90s and in the early stages of dementia - not the same situation as your sister. But I think there might be an element of 'the grass is always greener' here. She is remembering all the good things about where you live and picturing it as a perfect place to live. Do you think it's possible that if she moved back, she would soon begin to miss her home and her son, and feel she wanted to move back again?

thank you all...

it is possible that she believes the grass is greener here, that's something important I can say to her the next time we speak.

in fact, after so many long and exhausting phone calls, maybe that simple statement....THE GRASS IS GREENER....could end the constant wish/dream/hope that in fact dsis will stay in the home she has lived in for over 30 years now.

I think the penny has finally dropped for me, and maybe for dsis too.