My lifeline and only means of support please come along and help me

[lifelinenamechange]

Right all I have name changed. I am a regularly "lifer" penis beaker etc.

Oh, DH and I have been together for 10 years, we have one DD6. and things were good for a while!

Since dd has been born I have been in hell and things have been getting progressively worse.

For the last two years DH has done nothing I MEAN NOTHING; I have run my self into exhaustion, Everyone has been worried about me huge amount of weight loss no ability to really hold a conversation etc.

About a month ago things got really really bad I kept crying all the time for no reason. Felt awful and really physically ill.

I ended up at the doctors early Monday morning (9th) I was diagnosed with exhaustion, and serve stress which had made me very badly anxious not depressed. I was put on an anti depressant to help level me out, and a tablet for the "bad" days. Within about 48 hours I started to feel better. Like I could breath again, the palpitation that I didn´t realise had been there had gone, the constant feelings of stress, anxiety, fear and being helpless had gone. the head ache that I had had for months disappeared and I got my first decent nights sleep in YEARS.
Even better over the next few days the "fog" and knots in my head started to clear.

Monday this week I asked DH to move out for a bit so I could clear my head and work out what I want to do. I asked for Space and Peace, he moved in with MY PARENTS: since then things have gone from bad to worse.

I have been treated to the 1001 reason you DH is SOOOO wonderful by my mother, the extended disco chorus of how much he loves me, I´ve been told that DH is faultless and this is all my fault by my parents. Its been awful. So bad that last night I am ashamed to admit after hanging up on my mother mid your DH is distraught you are being so nasty to him that I pulled the phone out of the wall and sat on the floor and cried for hours.

My parents have very clearly thrown their support behind DH and I have no one, to help me do what I want to do.

I begged for space last night, and I have been told I can´t have it (what my dad actually said is so horrid I don´t want to type it) so I have been forced to meeting with DH sooner than I feel able to, and I don´t want to because he will just brow beat me again and make me feel like total and absolute shit.

I don´t know what to do.

I´m in Spain.

Not sure if there is an equivalent of WA here, wouldn´t have a clue where to look to be honest.

Parents are in a few miles down the road.

My parents have made it very clear that they with DH on this subject and really don´t seem to give a shit about how I am or what I want etc.

Í saw a solicitor a month or so back, have that side of things sorted more or less. Wanted to know about the legal side of things etc in one of my clear moments.

In which case fuck him and fuck your parents.

I am going to PM you.

Ok kaykayblue, thanks

Live - information on WA in Spain along with contact numbers is available online at:
{{http://www.tumbit.com/how-to-guides/articles/154-help-for-victims-of-domestic-violence-in-spain.html}}
I hope I linked successfully. The website is in English so if you don't speak Spanish they might be able to assist you.

Stay calm, you can deal with this!

Pat45 I have found lots of stuff about domestic VIOLENCE, but the OP hasn't mentioned physical violence, it seems to be more around emotional abuse.

It would be helpful if the OP could confirm - I'm sorry to have to ask you such an awkward question.

Thanks for that PAT.

Just reading, why didn´t I think to google!

My Spanish is pretty good.

Kaykayblue - no hes not physically hurt me, got close the other day which tipped me over the edge. eg. smashed a few things up etc. He´s got quite a physical presence though occasionally he has pushed me or I think he has he says he hasn´t.

Domestic violence is taken very seriously by the police over here. Actually I suppose I could call and ask them, if there is any help available. What do you think?

I think it is definitely better than nothing. I'm not sure what they consider the threshold for domestic violence over there, and I would worry that it might hurt your case if you go down the domestic violence route and it is disproved. I don't want them to take away your credibility.

Their domestic violence section might be able to help you, but you need to be clear about what the situation is.

It might be better to say that you are being harrassed and you would like a restraining order?

Well I can phone the local police which is more like an information service than the actual police.

I could also phone the church, they might know something.

I think that's an absolutely fantastic idea for the local police. If it doesn't work, don't worry, we can find something else.

The church....is your call. I personally wouldn't trust the church to help a woman in need, but that's my view.

Spanish love their titles.

We have the local police - deal with things like traffic warden, information, school crossing guards etc but don´t really have power of arrest.

The Guardia Civil - the "normal" police
The national Police - Large city police and things like murder squad, etc
Seprona - environmental police.

The list goes on!

The church might not but the nuns would they run an agency over here for things like food banks, clothing banks etc. They would know I would think.

Say no and keep saying no, consistently. Your parents don't control you. It's your life, and you know what you need. Take the power back. Sounds really tough. Good luck

You are getting so much good advice and I am sat here cheering you on.

I am glad you have already got legal advice, might be a good idea to go and and have a chat and tell them about his intimidation and the possibility that you may have trouble getting your daughter home.

Good luck.

In the UK that crosses the threshold for DV but there is also what the police consider DA. In Spain it may be different but as you say the best thing is to ask them.

I can feel your fear of not doing what you are told and can totally relate to it. But...think it through.

If you refuse to speak to him and them, realistically what can they do (that isn't illegal). Not much.

If they do do anything illegal or it looks like they might, report them.

Don't give in because they make ypu feel like you should.
Fuck 'em. Fuck the lot of them. You do what you want.

And I know this sounds a bit bonkers in a crisis but can you get yourself some flowers or similar? I do and when I feel myself waver i say I bought these flowers my self because I can and because I deserve them. It helps remind me my freedom is my choice if that makes any sense at all.

It is a small symbol but it might help bolster your resolve. And it sounds like you really do deserve them.

Can you ring the solicitor you saw before and explain your situation and ask what support agencies might be able to help you? And ask what you can do to prevent them harassing you further. Tell him/her you are worried about your child's wellbeing and that he has been violent.

Stay strong you can definitely get through this.

Ok, spoken to the police, who said yes they would classify it as DV, if I want to make a statement they can send an officer out of me this evening or over the weekend or at a later date. Yes I could request a 72 hour restraining order if needed but only Monday - Friday as it would need to go before a judge.

I´m not sure I want to go down that line, it seems to detracted from "proper" domestic violence. But it is good to have the information.

Also told me to call them if needed at any time, which is nice! They can also force hand over for DD if there is any problem but as the school have agreed to help I think I will go down that route as it will be best for DD.

Can´t speak with my solicitor until Monday, they are only open in the mornings! But I have sent an email bringing her up to date.

Feel calmer, I´ve ignored the calls and they seem to have stopped for now which is helping.

Oh my love, please please don't think about distracting from "proper" dv. The police have confirmed that they classify your case as domestic violence. That's all you need to know. Domestic violence is domestic violence - there is no point trying to differentiate between lesserr and greater. It is what it is.

Please do consider taking them up on the offer of making a statement this evening. It will get the ball rolling and it will feel like a weight off your mind.

Bravo lifeline. It's great that you've spoken to police, and they've been helpful.
Do think about taking them up on making a statement.

Are there any friends or family you can talk to, perhaps people you've lost touch with, but you trust.

This sounds just awful for you.
Ignore ignore ignore, all of them.
I cannot believe your parents are backing this abusive, cocklodging, arsehole.
I do wonder if you were brought up in an abusive environment without realising it at the time?
Do not give in the them.
Keep strong and keep his away from you.
You deserve so much better than this.

Do you have friends in the UK? Could you move here (if you are originally from here)

Well done Live. Now you are making the decisions, I am delighted to see how you are dealing with things.