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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH being thoughtless.

25 replies

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 20/06/2014 11:16

This is probably an AIBU but I'm a bit scared to post there about something seemingly trivial. Thing is, DH being thoughtless is a pretty regular occurrence so to me it doesn't feel trivial anymore IYSWIM.

Tonight my DH and I are off to see a show. I bought the overpriced tickets for DH and I to go as his Christmas present, so he has known about it for ages and we've been excited all week.

We finish work at 5 but DH has never left on time in 3 years of working there, so he will be out at 5.15 at the earliest and our train leaves at 5:35. Cutting it fairly fine. So we agreed that the best plan was that DH would drop me at work (we only have 1 car), pick me up again after work and we'd go straight to the station which is closest to my office. The roads around my office are always clear and we can leave the car at the station. Simple.

However this morning I was half awoken by his sleep cycle alarm on his phone at 5am, I thought it was odd but just went back to sleep. Then when I woke up again he was gone - He'd gone to the gym. Obviously completely forgot (or chose to disregard) the plan we'd discussed the night before.

People forget stuff I suppose, but what has annoyed me really is that he didn't bother to pick up the tickets for tonight, feed the cat or take any of our provisions for the show (picnic beforehand) with him, he just buggered off and assumed I would remember/sort/bring everything.

Now I will have to pick him up from his work where there is usually one way, stationary traffic for a mile due to roadworks on the way there, then go back on myself again to the station, where we still need to buy our tickets, all in rush hour. If we make it, it will be by the skin of our teeth, and if we miss the train at 5:35, we officially will not make it to the city in time for the show as the next one gets in too late.

I've made my feelings known but DH has replied nastily that we have plenty of time, I'm being melodramatic and that I should've reminded him to take time off / leave early if I'd wanted him to. He said that it was always the plan to go after work and now I've 'for some reason decided we don't have time'. It's so bloody frustrating that he doesn't see that we had plenty of time with the original plan, and he is the one that has changed that by being thoughtless and doing whatever suits him! He also said it's "easily sorted out". Yes, as always sorted out by me! Angry

Am I overreacting here? I've always hated being late for things / feeling rushed, but it's more that I just feel a) that he never really cares whether we make it on time to things I plan for us or not, and b) that he always assumes I will just sort everything out.

Just feels so uneven all the time. Sad

OP posts:
TiffanyAtBreakfast · 20/06/2014 11:16

Sorry that was waffly!

OP posts:
TeaJunky · 20/06/2014 11:20

I would take my time, don't rush myself, and be late. Actually, be late on purpose. Make him wait around for you. When he complains, say it was the roadworks , and had he stuck to the original plan, it would be plain sailing now. Refuse to let it upset you.

mrsspagbol · 20/06/2014 11:23

I agree. Don't fix it. Get there late. It's a shame but it's on him. I don't think he will learn otherwise. And if he organises something - do the same until he gets the message. Stop running around like a blue arse fly - just don't do it. He won't learn otherwise.

mynameisred · 20/06/2014 11:23

Why don't you just suggest that he makes his own way to the station and that you meet there (or not) ?
That way you're sure to catch the show and he will be the only one to suffer if he is late.

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 20/06/2014 11:24

Thanks TeaJunky, I'm going to make a cup of tea in the minute and try to simmer down!

Thing is, I spent a lot of money and waited online at 9am for ages to get the tickets, so if I deliberately take my time we'll miss the concert and I will have wasted my own money. So alas I don't think I can use this as a lesson for DH.

Maybe next time we are visiting his friends in London though...

OP posts:
mrsspagbol · 20/06/2014 11:24

Oh what my name said is even better.

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 20/06/2014 11:25

mynameisred we only have one car and it would be about an hour's walk to the station so unfortunately that idea wouldn't work, but thanks for the thought.

OP posts:
TiffanyAtBreakfast · 20/06/2014 11:27

I'm pissed off by his reaction. I thought he would be apologetic and feel guilty, not go on the defensive and be a general tosser about it all.

OP posts:
Letsgoforawalk · 20/06/2014 11:28

Oh how frustrating.. You have thought everything through carefully. Put a plan in place to make sure you get your nice night out (which you have already 'invested' a lot into with it being expensive and a Christmas present etc) with the minimum of stress and risk.

I know what you mean about the traffic and train catching. I get almost irrationally scared of missing planned trains and usually try to allow more time than I need. It is just more comfortable mentally. Had you posted in AIBU I would be saying YADNBU Wink

I totally sympathise with the "assumes I will sort everything out" feeling. No advice I'm afraid, I just know where you are with that.

It will all probably be fine, I really hope it is.

coppertop · 20/06/2014 11:31

That would be the last time I organised anything special for him.

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 20/06/2014 11:31

Thanks letsgoforawalk, your post made me feel a lot better!

OP posts:
mynameisred · 20/06/2014 11:32

but you have the car, right? I really hope you do.

If you do, I'd just proceed to the station and get on the train, and tell him that you'll meet him there (on the train). He changed the plan, let him work out how to get there in time.

Letsgoforawalk · 20/06/2014 11:32

I like the meet at the station plan. You have both tickets and the car.. You won't miss anything apart from his company if he can't get there.

He could get a taxi?
Loads of cross posts while I was writing my essay!

ChooChooLaverne · 20/06/2014 11:32

Next time go with your friends.

Letsgoforawalk · 20/06/2014 11:33

Good! That was my intention Smile

Lovingfreedom · 20/06/2014 11:34

Get a taxi to the station and meet him there. It's up to him if he misses the show.

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 20/06/2014 11:56

Just messaged him and told him to get a taxi!

Thanks for the replies, anyone elses DH as clueless as mine?! Sigh.

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 20/06/2014 12:01

Oh even better! Well done. Now get there in plenty of time and enjoy the show (and your picnic) Grin

mynameisred · 20/06/2014 12:03

Well done! Now make sure that you ENJOY your evening (with or without him).

holeinmyheart · 20/06/2014 12:09

Hi, I am a self confessed semi - reformed control freak, married to DH who is last minute.com . For years I acted as my DH's mother, telling him what to do,where to go, buying Christmas cards and Birthday cards and presents for his family and then I saw the light. You have got yourself into a state because of his behaviour and in my opinion you need to stop being his Mother. You don't actually have to pick him up or miss the show yourself. I know it is a pain leaving him to get on with it and just seeing the show by yourself, but it might make him more aware and be less annoying for you in the future. He will turn up at the theatre eventually. You do need to lighten up though for your own sake and stress levels. I very rarely enjoyed any visitors or my children when they were young and messy as I was so intent on being the perfect Mother and SIL and DIL. and having a perfect home. It was stressful for me and people around me. I am not totally reformed as I am always two hours on the platform before the train comes, but before I reformed it could be three hours. Xx hope you enjoy the theatre, get yourself a nice cream and enjoy the moment.

wallypops · 20/06/2014 12:32

And you can sell his "overpriced" ticket if he isn't there on time.

kaykayblue · 20/06/2014 12:46

Yeah, but if he complains about having to get a taxi you need to try and avoid rubbing his face in it, as otherwise you're just going to not enjoy the show.

Tell him that because of the roadworks/whatever, you are really worried about you getting to his office in time when you leave the office, so it makes more sense for him to book a cab for a certain time and to let them know about the roadworks. The taxi company can take into account the extra time required and leave earlier, which obviously you can't do.

And this way you can both relax!

At least that's the reason you should tell him!

Agree that you'll text each other once you're on the train and then you can find one another. Else you'll be hanging around outside the station until the very last second and making a sprint for it. Also that way if he doesn't make it you will have an excuse to still see the show!

magoria · 20/06/2014 13:08

Don't wait at the station and miss the train. Go and enjoy the show.

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 20/06/2014 13:55

Thanks for all the comments - DH just turned up to my office in a taxi to collect our car, with a salad and a coffee peace offering. He apologised and (annoyingly) got me out of my grump in a few seconds flat. Blush Still won't be booking any trips for him again any time soon...

holeinmyheart wow, well done for being reformed. I'm by no means at the stage you found yourself. I was just brought up in a family of people who liked to be very prompt for things in general, so I get frustrated when others are more relaxed and are late for things. To me it's a bit disrespectful to whoever is waiting for you.

In hindsight my anger was less about the possibility of being late and more about him being blasé about the plans we made and not bothering to be responsible for anything we needed, which is a bit of a pattern for him recently. I definitely don't want to sound like his mother bossing him about, but if things need to be done or if we need to be somewhere, I'd rather say something than it not get done iyswim. Something I need to work on maybe.

Definitely going to experiment for a while with not doing the 'remembering' of things, see whether we keep any of the arrangements we have for the next week or so! Grin

OP posts:
holeinmyheart · 20/06/2014 21:43

Well I am not sure that I am totally reformed. I am always on time. I had a bit of a wobble last night and I was just embarking on ' if I was you I would' when I stopped myself. I had an abusive bullying control freak Father and an enabling Mother, so when I married I subconsciously looked for someone who would do as i told them. It took counselling and a lot of self awareness to stop me from making my DH's life miserable. No one should seek to control another person. I actually hate anyone saying to me ' if I was you I would etc., because they are clearly not me. Also trying to control another person is exhausting. Glad things worked out for you and I hope you enjoyed the play.

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