Help :-(

[Lonelymummy14]

Good Morning All,

I would love some advice.

My ex partner left us in March, we tried making another go of it but it seems he always messes up and feels he isn't good enough for me/daughter. He hasn't had a great upbringing and never had to deal with any problems/conflict in life so he runs.

Anyway we are trying to arrange access so he can see our daughter as much as possible. I won't allow him to have her overnight or where he lives due to the enviroment. I don't trust the people he lives with. I have said he is more than welcome to have her at mine and I will go out, he can take her out for food, park, soft play etc. She is 18 months.

We met last night, we decided to talk every sunday regarding when to see her the following week depending on his work that week and my plans. He said he wants to see her as much as possible, i said every day is too much as we still love one another and are both equally struggling. So after this talk he then had our daughter until 6.30 (about 2 hours) whilst I popped out (I had to make plans purposely because I don't want to see him really). Anyway we then agreed he will see her tomorrow for few hours too. So off he goes.....then by 9pm I get a text from him asking how she is? Now I know he misses her but he has just left her and is seeing her tomorrow. How will we ever move on from one another if we end up talking all day and night? :-( I don't want to be harsh and tell him he can't msg me but it just upsets me so much. It kills me saying bye to him and watching our daughter. I know it kills him too but this is 90% his choice to walk away.

Any advice would be greatful xxx

Tell him to get a house that is not a danger to your child and let him see her there.

BUT to me it looks like there are still unresolved issues between you that yous are using your daughter as some sort of excuse to contact each other. If you sort that out. Everything else would be much easier!

Why did you split up

It might be easier to stop talking to him and make your arrangements by text/email but also tell him you will only contact him on x day and don't respond to messages until that time.

He can't get a house, he can't even manage bills!

I asked him if he can see me (not our daughter) never being part of his future in a romantic/physical way and he said he couldn't answer that?!?!

The long and short of it is he always lets me down, he makes bad decisions that upset me. He tends not to tell me things which I then find out and feel hurt he hasn't. He said he wlays makes the wrong choices and doubts in his head that he will never not let me down. But he loves and misses me and is finding it very hard being apart.

ChooChooLaverne- this is all over text/email. How often should I talk to him regarding her? I don't know whats fair and where to draw the line? I sometimes reply literally, a yes or no regarding a question relating to our daughter and then he replies- are you ok? Please don't be like this with me? I want you to be ok and not upset, I still love and care about you. ARGH xx

I think you need to decide how often you can cope with talking to him and make a decision that you stick to. You are either in a relationship or not. If you're not then it would make life easier to act accordingly and not let him keep you dangling just in case he decides to take you back at some point in the future.

It's not fair all this mixed messages stuff when it's his decision to leave. He doesn't want you to be upset - tough. It's not fair of him to send you messages like that. He doesn't get you to be ok and not upset when he's decided to leave you.

I would try and treat him in a business like manner just to make arrangements about him seeing your DD and ignore anything else. Easier said than done I know.

Your last comment suggests that he's contacting you to get a reaction/attention from you. Him asking about DD is just an opening to get what he wants which is your attention.

You can't stop him trying to do that as you can't control someone else. What you can do is control your own reactions. You can ignore any text/email from him that does not concern your daughter. Yes, it's hard to get out of the habit of immediately responding but in the long run it's the only way you'll get to create some separation from him.

Difficult, especially if you still love each other. My husband and I fell out of love with each other, tbh I think he would have ended it months ago but chose to be apathetic and defeatist until it got to the point where I kicked him out.

I think that you need to both impose a 3 month period where you only see each other for hand over and nothing else. Tell him that you will contact him if there is a change in agreed arrangements and that you will give him a note if there is anything he needs to know about.

That way you should give each other enough space to properly move on.

What kind of bad decisions does he make?

So much easier said than done, especially when I love and miss him. Today is a new day. I'm waiting for his message today (he works nights) and I am just going to tell him how she is and thats it, oh and make arrangements for tomorrow.

I'd like not to talk to him at all. Thats how I've dealt in a previous relationship. But we didn't have a child together. I would love to change my number, block him out :-(

Urm well from the start of our relationship he has had problems telling the truth. Sometimes silly things about where he is but other more important things like a gambling issue he never told me about and it resurfaced just after our baby was born and he stole 1000 out of our savings, we worked on that and he went to GA meetings. He has a crazy ex gf (he now has another ha). If she ever got in touch he wouldn't tell me and I don't believe for one second anything went on but he always hid it until I found out and then went mad. He just said he assumed she would go away or get the hint etc and didn't want me upset or stressed. When we first split up (back in March) he just didn't come home, me and my baby were waiting for him :-( he had relapsed with his gambling, only a small bet but i found out and he didn't want to confront me or the issue. I don't believe he is gambling at the minute as he has no money, he is having to be an adult and pay his own bills and not have me to fall back on until his next pay day. xx

I think you really need to limit how much contact you have with him.

You should set aside some time on sunday to agree when he will see her during the week. When that's decided the only texts that you will accept should be about either confirming times, or to change if something has come up that he can't get out of.

He doesn't need to text you every day for this to happen. If he wants to know how his child is doing every second of the day..well, that's really sad and I can understand that, but you can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't leave a family, and still be in it at the same time.

You need to put your foot down - if he says "please don't be like that with me" just reply "it's over between us. I have no obligation to pander to your half assed emotions to me. I want to be polite, but there is no relationship between us now". Do that once and then simply ignore any other pleading texts he sends.

It does sound like he genuinely cares about his daughter, but he is also using her as an excuse to try and keep one foot in the door with you, which is atrocious.

Try to focus your love and kindness towards your daughter. Your ex has far too many issues that you can't solve for him. He's never going to be a great parent. You are going to fill that role though. Please don't waste your time, energy and goodwill on him. He will never change.

I don't think you need to contact him every day to arrange contact, I think you need to arrange a long-term (3 months) contact arrangement and stick to it. The only time you need to contact each other is to change the pre-arranged contact in an emergency/in case of illness.

How comes you say 3 months? xx

long enough to 'deal' with your feels and short enough that the girls needs won't change dramatically.

ok thank you. I'm yet to hear from him but I just know I will today. All I'm going to reply is that she is fine (because she is) and the arrangements for tomorrow and THAT IS IT!

Cool, but you thinking about him texting is still him in your life. You need to move on from him and if you're committed to doing that you need to take some steps.

Well I didn't want him out of my life :'( thats the sad thing so its like I'm forcing myself but I will get there somehow. He can't win at the minute because I am like a rollercoaster with emotions, hurt, anger etc xx

And let him know that of course she is fine, that if ever she isn't fine you will let him know, but that he doesn't need to text you asking about her well being, especially if he has just seen her or is going to see her shortly. You can answer the question about contact without having to tell him that she is fine, he will see that she is ok tomorrow.

A text- asking how the baby is and how am i!!!!!!!!!! I told him last night to not ask how I am etc grrrr x

Its good that you still want to keep him actively in DDs life. But you are right; you are not a couple anymore and need to thing about putting reasonable distance between yourselves- particularly if you are struggling with calls etc. This means establishing rules about contact - physical, phone, e-mail and so forth.

What's wrong with saying you will have contact every (state a standard pattern). It will be the same each (week/month) and his work can fit round that. That way you will all know when contact will happen - particularly important for your DD. And there will be no awkwardness over when he will ring/how long you will need to talk to him for/about what. The only call you will then get will be in there is a change in the standard routine.

You need to thing about what you and your DD want now. 'Grey areas' in contact further down the line may lead to problems.

Get a cheap pay as you go phone. He contacts you to arrange contact on that. He can text when he likes but you turn it on, on Sundays for a few hours and an hour before contact on the days its arranged (in case he cancels). I've seen this suggested on here before and I think it's a good idea. Let him know the new phone rules so that he doesn't bother extra texting because he knows you won't read it that day anyway.

If he is having a house share why can't he take your daughter there? Are the folk dangerous?

I told him last night to not ask how I am

He's not respected your boundaries up to now so it's pointless to expect him to magically start respecting them now. Nevertheless you do have the right to simply not answer. Tell him how DD is and leave it at that. Anything that subsequently comes from him that's asking if you're in a mood with him - ie, anything that isn't about DD - should be ignored. Not answered, not argued about how you've already told him not to ask, not attempting to justify why you are being the way you are; just ignore.